Unsure if I still have any fight left in me.
Can I start by saying, I understand that there is people out there with way bigger ploblems both psyhically and mentally than myself.
I've struggled with alcoholism my whole adult life, and as much as it affectd my life, I never did anything about it. This year it's all come crashing down as I knew it would. I've lost my wife and my beautiful kids because they had, had enough and last weekend I finally got caught Drink Driving. A few other things have gone south for me as well in the last few years which I tend to ignore or drink away.
I understand I have been caught in a depessive cycle which I have hid from everyone for as long as I can remember. I wanted to give up this morning but thought I would reached out to a friend. They were too busy and to be honest, I don't blame them, It's an uncomfortable situation for most people and I haven't been a great friend.
So here I am, fighting my mental demons, trying to find reason for anything good - then I found this forum and I've being doing a lot of reading. I've decided that my kids are worth more to me than alcohol. I truely hope I have the strength because one thing I know about acoholics we promise the world and deliver missery. The alternate is a extreme dark and closed off place and it's time I left that environment or I'm dead anyway.
Sorry for the rant, I didn't know where to go and it's help me by writing this down.
Thank you for reply, Roshelle.
My kids have no control over what I do, that's all on me. They are giving me a chance to see them again, which I'm so looking to. As much as I need to be there for them, I can't help them as much as I would love until I seek help and fix myself.
Self-pity aside, it's time to act before it's too late.
The title of your post caught my attention. I don't have a problem with alcohol but I have felt the despair that came with that exact thought. I agree that it's good to let it all out. Air the problems and face the demons. I have an addictive personality and I can understand partly what you are going through. But I know I can never fully understand because I know no one will fully understand my problems either.
That being said, I know that despair. It haunted me a couple years back and rendered me to a sobbing mess, bed ridden for weeks. It's a dark place and it wasn't fun to be there. I desperately wanted to feel better, to feel hope but the darkness was overwhelming. And a vicious cycle began where I feel more frustrated with myself for not feeling better. I reached out to anyone I could back then, hoping someone would pull me out. I did find professional help which I highly recommend. There are people trained to deal with such issues, much more experienced than I could ever be. Let them help you.
I am much better now. Two things I remember throughout all this to keep me going were: I have a duty to myself, to my family, to those who love me, to live a better life. We only live once, for good or bad, let's make it count. And that I know someday, when I'm out of valley, out of this darkness, I will look back and reflect on it. I don't know when, but I know I will, somehow, get out of it.
I hope this helps in whatever way it can. Best of luck.
Thank you for reading and replying LLB.
I've been active in seeking help. It's been hard, especially with the alcohole, but every new day brings new hope. I'm getting assistance and it has made the world of difference; Just knowing there's help out there and walking through that door and execpting that help, has and will go a long way to making me feel better again, I have no doubt.
Thank you to all that have taken the time to read and reply to my post, it's been one of the most important/correct decisions I've made in a long time.
I am glad you are getting assistance. I feel that life isn't meant to easy, but it isn't meant to be that hard either.
Grab onto that hope, without hope, we are nothing. Keep going and keep fighting. You have everything to fight for and one day, it will get easier and easier.
My thoughts will be with you.
It's been almost a year now since you started this thread. Just wondering how you are going? Maybe you haven't been back here to Beyond Blue, and found some other support? Maybe you're living your best life ever? Or maybe things have gotten worse?
Anyway, whatever is happening for you, I do hope you are well and that things have improved, at least a little.
Take care. Regards, Mel. xo