Unsure about how I am feeling - Sad or Stupid
After feeling a strong need to talk to someone but scrolling though my Facebook friends list, realising I have no one I can turn to I have decided to try the anonymity of a forum.
For the last 2 months I have been experiencing a lot of low moments, emotionally. I find myself crying a lot over various things.
I have a high stress job which until recently I have enjoyed however since accepting the position a year ago I have had a general unease in regards to feeling safe and secure in the position, if anything goes wrong I have a fear of being fired.
I am actively involved in a lot of theatre, it was my escape and favourite thing to do but recently have lost my passion and no longer find it enjoyable. I am just going through the motions but am afraid to quit because then all I will be left with is my job.
I currently am single and find it very hard to connect with anyone and build a long lasting relationship. I have been dating but have come to the realisation I don’t necessarily want a romantic relationship so much as I want companionship.
Because of everything compounding over the last few months I have been feeling very worthless and have had thoughts about disappearing. Not necessarily ending my life but just ceasing to exist. I’m not sure if my feelings are valid or if I am just being stupid.
Because I don’t want to waste anyone’s time I haven’t sought out professional help so that’s why I have come here, to see if anyone else has experienced something similar.
A warm welcome to you Nutmeg0301
I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time. It always leads me to feel sorrow when I hear someone is struggling so much.
You mention 'Because of everything compounding over the last few months I have been feeling very worthless and have had thoughts about disappearing. Not necessarily ending my life but just ceasing to exist. I’m not sure if my feelings are valid or if I am just being stupid.' First I just want to mention that there is nothing 'stupid' about this way of thinking, if anything it's highly significant and deeply thoughtful. I hope you don't mind me rephrasing what you've mentioned:
- Because of the stress and lack of safety and security over the last few months, I have been feeling like I am worth less than my true self (that self that thrives on a sense of freedom, evolution, adventure, joy and so on). I have had thoughts about my current self disappearing. I don't want to end my life, I just don't want to exist in this lifestyle or lie-style (not being true to my most authentic intuitive soulful sense of self)
Taking a different perhaps more relateable angle, I'll approach it from the acting side of things:
- I give myself a part to play. It appears exciting and fulfilling and is also very demanding. Enter stage right... Here I am, with my will, my passion and focus. The role is exhilarating at first until the demands begin to wear me down, day after day. These acting demands spill into other aspects of my life: I find I don't have the energy and passion 'off stage' in other areas. Eventually, I decide to leave the part behind because it no longer serves a positive purpose. Now, I move onto a new more fulfilling role, where the passion reignites my soul. I become a new character.
Unfortunately we're typically not taught a lot of skills when it comes to how to change characters in life. Bit of a weird thought but what if life as you know it now is one in a long line of stages (actual theater stages). If you were to leave the current stage and walk onto the next one beside it, what would that stage look like? Who would be the characters, what would the environment look like and so on? Would it look completely different from where you currently are? Perhaps it appears as a holiday and the stage after that is a different working environment.
There is nothing wrong with dis-appointing our self from a role of sufferance. Such disappointment can be liberating, leading us to a new stage in life.
I can say that I know how you feel and that you’re probably not alone. The people around you that you find it hard to talk to, are probably feeling the same in some way, or have done before. I find myself checking into these forums sometimes when I feel at my lowest and it helps knowing that others are struggling, and that you can say something to help them. Weirdly enough it is easier to tell someone else it’s going to be okay, rather than believing it yourself.
What I’ve recently done is told a friend about how I feel and she said she is the exact same, and it’s great to be able to talk about the weird unexplainable lows with someone else.
In regards to your job/carrier situation, it sounds like you really care about where you’re going in life and that’s a big positive. I think you’re ready for a transition into something new and that’s probably why you’re so low. Because same haha but anyway, go for whatever it is that has been crossing your mind and give it a try, learning a new skill set and meeting fresher faces will help you re-ignite that fire inside.
hope this has helped, I hope to hear some progress from you on here ☺️