Unclear of future with current partner
As much as I'd love to provide you with a world of insight, unfortunately I cannot. I can only tell you of my own experience, and perhaps therefore I may have an attitude that is a little 'jaded' or 'persuaded' by that experience.
See, my now ex husband was also unwilling to discuss money at length. He too would often answer "I don't know" or "Don't worry about it, I've got this." ...... but wouldn't actually give me details of what it was that he 'had', presumably in his mind, he had it 'under control'.
He would take out loans on top of the mortgage (and at first I agreed to these loans, but not realise myself the effect it would have on the mortgage), in order to 'work on his cars' ....... and things slowly began to spiral out of control.
I then became unemployed, at which point he began lying to me about money, saying he had none (when I asked for money for groceries or goods that we needed) but then would come home with some car part, for his club car, not the main car, that was worth hundreds. And I think too, in the whole decade plus that we were married and/or together before marriage, I think I only ever saw two pay slips. He kept those hidden.
I could tell you more about what happened, but basically we are divorced, as I said at the start; he is my ex husband, and money issues was certainly one of the main problems in our relationship. I had actually threatened to leave one time a couple of years before I left because of the financial abuse and the lies I had exposed.
Money management is a very important issue when considering moving forward in a relationship, and I would say that if you are having doubts now, then perhaps consider not moving forward any further, until or unless you can both REALLY be on the same page about money; open and transparent.
To give him the benefit of doubt, maybe he just doesn't know how to talk about money? Such as when you did the calculations without him knowing, maybe it would be better to do those calculations with him? Perhaps maths isn't his strong point, but he may be embarrassed about it?
Anyway, I don't know if that helps at all. I hope it does help at least a little. Like I said, try doing some calculations WITH him, and see how that goes.
Take care. I wish you all the best in sorting this issue out. xo
Hello Jurani, welcome and thanks for posting your comment.
I understand the dilemma you are in, but if I can give you another example might make the situation a bit clearer.
If you ask anyone with an addiction, and I'm not suggesting this at all, if they are an alcoholic or use drugs, they will say no they aren't, because they haven't come to the conclusion that the amount of alcohol they drink is alarming to them, but for others to see how much they drink they do have a problem.
If he puts a $100 bet on a horse each week or each couple of days he won't accept the fact that he's a gambler because he doesn't go to the race course every day or even gamble every day.
If he can't or won't explain why he has no savings, no matter how much you get on by living apart, if you live together then it might be in for a shock.
You're an astute person so please look after yourself.
Hi Jurani, as you left your last husband for gambling, then you will always have doubts about he does with his money, that's now but if you stay together for a longer time then your worry may only become worse.
You have to trust someone first before you make any long term commitments.
Hope to hear back from you.
In my mine and my wife's relationship, I do most of the finances, I haven't always made the best of choices, which I get constantly reminded about, but depending on the difference from what he gets, to what he spends, I can kind of understand his response.
There can always be an underlying issue which he may not feel comfortable explaining, or as said before, even know he has, but when my budget gets worked out, I see we should have about $500 a fortnight to save etc.
Some weeks however we can earn a higher wage (wages vary) and be worse off than a "tight week" it can be lots of little purchases that add up and you don't even know.
My wife will often buy clothes or toys for the kids, need new shoes for work, be tired and buy energy drinks from the servo or not have time and instead buy lunch. Doing each of those things just once in a pay period can cost you over $100, but due to smaller purchases that you don't think will add up.
We have both looked at the bank and asked the other "where has all the money gone?" Then when we add $25 For dinner and $10 on drinks, $50 on clothes for kids, it's easy to add up by numbers but not mentally.
Not trying to defend him in particular, Just my opinion from the other point of view. But still, be careful as anything could be the case.
I think it’s important to be able to manage our finance wisely especially when you are considering to be moving forward together. In my opinion it’s not too much to ask some clarification but it also gives yourself a peace of mind.
This comes to my mind and not sure if it helps. Does he use his credit card or cash to purchase? Just for your information, for our household, we use (90%) our credit card to pay most of our groceries purchase, bills etc and thus you don’t realise how much you have spent until you see the credit card statement and then you feel OMG that’s so much. Could this be a possibility that explains why he doesn’t have savings?! At times, I agree that that credit card does unconsciously increase our expenditure and as said above all little figures add up and you don’t realise!
I hope you find out the answer soon.