The Curse of Sensitivity

[Roy_B]

I am 58 year old male. I am also an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person). Some may not appreciate the true connotation of such a label so please let me elaborate.

I grew up, raised in three countries (excluding Australia), lived in 20 homes and went to 10 schools. My parents had a propensity to keep moving hence I knew little of my wider family, and retained no long-term friends. My parents were never loving towards me. I found comfort in nature - plants and animals. I am a social misfit in many senses.

In 2018 I ended an 18 year marriage because I didn't feel loved or valued. I walked into another relationship and loved the woman dearly. I thought of her as my soul-mate. But that relationship was troubled from the outset because I was having to deal with the emotions associated with my failed marriage and I was also having to deal with a new partner (and a set of associated living conditions) who was very dominant, controlling and destructive to my self-esteem. She gas-lighted me. But I loved her more than anything.

That relationship crashed and burned at the beginning of 2020 and I walked into a relationship with a Chinese lady almost immediately. We were married in October.

I am aware of the damage that prior relationship did to me but I lament - from the heart - that it took the turn it did. I admit that I now cry every day and often feel that my life hangs on a thread; that I will never again know happiness. My new wife speaks limited English so we don't communicate as much as I want. Not a problem except for the fact that my sadness pulls me into a daily state of melancholy and I struggle to remain positive in the present. If this makes any kind of sense.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling like I'd be better off simply living under a leaf. My intentions have always been good. I rage only ever because I might have hurt others though I never intended it to be so. I feel sometimes that I am a curse.

[Guest9337]

G'day Roy B,

Welcome to the beyondblue forums, thanks for sharing your story.

I am concerned that you're crying daily that's tough to experience.

Nature, plants and animals are sweet. My wife and I have a decent backyard garden and a pair of beagle cross 11 years old dogs.

Could you learn more of your current wife's language? "Love the one you're with", is one solid meme.

I still love my ex's from before my wife, plenty of room in my heart to love people - sounds like you have a big heart too.

What helps you be energised?

[Roy_B]

Thank's for your comments and observations David! Don't worry, I am learning Mandarin as much as possible - it is a continuing challenge!

It's such a weird journey I seem to be on. That last relationship has exposed a very vulnerable side of me, one that keeps my emotions on a knife-edge. I go into a spiral at the slightest negative implication and then it becomes a battle within my mind. I know that my wife is thousands of times better than the woman who featured in my last relationship. I suspect that my current emotional status is as much a product of the fact that that important relationship failed as it is that she so undermined my self-esteem etc.

When I allow myself not to think of the past, I am in such a happy place. But - unfortunately - my overactive mind continually drags me where I shouldn't go....

[Guest9337]

I had intense emotions about a betrayal by a mentor who said good things to me face to face, but went behind my back ending the professional placement with written "bad" words.

I ruminated on that for months, let it go, came back to it, ruminated, fantasied revenge or restoration.

Eventually I wrote them a olive branch type letter and received no reply. I'm content that I reached out to my harshest critic and will just let that one go now... yet again.

Would writing a letter to someone/the ex, (don't have to deliver it) be of help for you to draw a line in the sand for your peace of mind?

[therising]

Hi Roy

I'm so glad you found your sensitive partner. This is a relationship you deserve, especially after having worked so hard to navigate life with so many insensitive people. As a mum and a sensitive gal, my heart aches for that kid in you that was dragged from pillar to post, when what he most longed for (I imagine) was stability, a sense of grounding.

I find while it can be easy to cry for a lost sense of self, it can be hard to stop the tears and pain sometimes. It's my #1 wish, with all my heart, to gift you a strong sense of self, so that you can know how truly incredible you are.

Before I go on, I'll share with you something I heard the other day: A toxic person/toxic people will train you into your power. Sounds a bit strange, I know, but I've found it to be undeniably true. I've found such people have taught me what I can't tolerate. Toxic people hold most of the traits I find intolerable. Such traits will typically bring down a sensitive person. Wondering if you can relate. They are typically closed minded, unfeeling, self serving. They shut you down in favour of what serves them. They are insensitive and narrow minded, with blinkers on. I could go on but you get the gist. I'll take each one of these and reveal what our intolerance towards them says about us, what it teaches us about our self. We are typically

• Open minded
• Deeply feeling and compassionate
• Largely selfless
• We seek to open up and explore our self
• We are deeply sensitive to many things. We are 'feelers', longing to tap into getting the best feel for life
• We seek to look at the bigger picture, without blinkers

and this is why we can't tolerate toxic people, because of who we are.

As a HSP, I bet you hold the super natural ability to sense so much. Can you easily sense the nature of someone who shuts others down, brings them down or puts them down? Can you feel/sense 'down'? Can you easily sense the nature of someone who raises people, lifts their spirits and their consciousness? Can you feel/sense 'up' or 'raising'? You could say that toxic people teach us what 'down' feels like. Without them, we simply would not be able to identify this feeling.

Imagine using your super natural ability in a challenge. Say I sent you into a room of 100 people and told you to spot the 5 who are degrading and insensitive. After speaking to everyone, would you be able to tell me who the 5 people are, even the couple who are subtle in this nature? I bet you could. Not everyone has this ability.

🙂