struggling and dont want to uplug

[Blueillusion]

I have spent the whole day trying to fill out a form to try to get a fair go and to get assistance and help in making these payments fair but it is sending me into the red and is hurting my head. Just when I feel like I am making headway, something brings me down. I am trying really hard to not be a paranoid person but I have a very creative mind and tend to believe that my intuition is true and correct. I am burning out and hurting my partner which I love more than anything In the world, she is always supportive and has stuck by me in the toughest of times. Although I am aware of my shortcomings they always get the best of me and I struggle to trust everyone, I struggle to trust the government, I struggle to trust the system, I hate the fact that I am human, I hate the fact the I am a part of society, feel like the only way to beat the system is to “unplug” from the system and this is where I focus on suicidal ideology. I don’t want to end my life, I love my daughter and she keeps me alive. The struggle is real and I hate the struggle.


I have taken a mental health day off work today to try to sort out a CS1970 child support form but just had a headache all day trying to fill out this form, buying a printer, no stock anywhere fir printer cartridges within a 5km radius, although I have tried to get the forms filled by lunchtime It had taken me from morning until noon which had left me with no time to study for the next online assessment that is due next Sunday. I had seen the dr today because I needed a mental health day to try to clear my head and work on layering my issues and dealing with them one by one as opposed to viewing all the issues I have as one huge dilemma.

Life isn’t going as planned and covid, a toxic work environment which results in under appreciation of my work ethic, my study pressure and desire to achieve higher than standard results, stress I create in my relationship due to ptsd is killing my ability to connect on a healthy level with my partner.

I struggle seeing people happy when there is nothing to be happy about, we are living in a world of government agenda and complete control and I feel powerless, I view tax as theft, I feel government is stripping our lives of our ability be to be live the human life as it should be and the way we live in society is completely manipulated and controlled by government policy.
I am not a political person I actually have no desire in understanding politics, I just see politics and governments policies a form of stripping us as human beings.

Im sorry for ranting on but I jest need to get it out there because all aspects of life at the moment for me feel like a pressure cooker ready to explode. Please do not go hard on me here as I am just trying to reach out and gain some perspective and support, I have suffered depression before and have been on anti depressants and I do not want to go down that path again, although it helped me I believe the solution to my issues is tackling them one by one and layering these issues and dealing with them one by one.I can identify my problems and fixing these but I am just at a low point at the moment and I feel that surrounding myself with experienced, supporting, understanding like minded people here that have experience in mental health is a positive start. My underlying issues are trust in relationships with my own relationship, stresses related to part time university obligations and a collapsing and non supportive toxic work environment. I don’t want to end my life but the allure of unplugging is strong and I need help and advise and some positive assuremen regarding a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel a huge disconnect with my loved one and I feel My emotional state is effecting the relationship beyond return and it seems to be a vicious cycle.

Thank you for taking the time to read try story, I really appreciate it.

Please help me be the best I can be mentally because I am at tipping point at the moment and I am scared not for me but for the people around me who love me the most and really wish not to destroy my loved one and cause trauma the would last a lifetime for them.

Tim

[Sophie_M]

Welcome to the forums, Blueillusion

We're so grateful that you have reached out to our community tonight, we know that it is not an easy thing to do and you have shown a lot of strength in sharing your story. We're also really sorry to hear how difficult things are for you right now and how you've been impacted by this pandemic. We hope you know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk about your thoughts and feelings, and our wonderful community is here to help support you.

If you feel up to it, we'd also really recommend reaching out to our Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service. This website is regularly updated with information, advice and strategies to help you manage your wellbeing and mental health during this time. You can also call our dedicated support line, staffed by mental health professionals, which is available 24/7 on 1800 512 348.

Please know that help is always available to you, and we would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), who are there to help support you, 24/7. 

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

[Birdy77]

Hey there Tim,

You did a good thing posting here, it's a healthy thing to do, and hopefully you might get to nut out your problems a little with folk who get it and understand how overwhelming it can all be.

It sounds actually like you have a pretty good grasp of how you might like to tackle the pressures in your life. You mention layering and dealing with things one at a time, which i reckon seems like pretty sound problem-solving.

You mentioned 3 things that are bothering you greatly at the moment: 1. Trust in your relationship, 2. Uni obligations, 3. Toxic work environment.

If you would like to air out any ideas or thoughts or worries about these, you go ahead, we are here listening and supporting you, and you can use this as a brainstorming space perhaps.

The urge to unplug is understandable, and i think when we feel totally overwhelmed with life, with The System, with obligations and pressures ... it is heslthy to take a break - for a short time. Unplug from social medua ir from your phone or from emails . .. a time just to be, be with your daughter doing something to connect with her, or spending quality time doing something unusal with your partner maybe?

We are here listening to you and you are welcone to brainstorm some ideas for how to get through this time ... and there is light at the end of this tunnel ... let's think of some ways to get out of that vicious cycle and back onto an even keel.

You are amongst friends here Tim.

Warm thoughts to you,

birdy

[Blueillusion]

Wow thank you, I am reading through my message and in retrospect I was in such a bad place yesterday. I was not at all succinct too... I am feeling better today, I had a good run at work and avoided people that bother me and the underlying toxic culture that exists there.

I have had time to think about my situation, I know that the toxic environment i work in, the unfair inaccurate child-support payments based on a pre covid tax year, my ex wife being angry at me, covid, my insecurities, my paranoia and fear of being hurt, part time university study and overall relationship problems DO NOT need to be dealt with all at once...

I recognise that feeling the way i did yesterday is dangerous to my mental health and I will seek some physiological help to better manage my stresses. I have been is this state of mind before and Im sure I'll alright, ignorance is bliss sometimes.

Im not sure where to start when searching for the right help for me though, I have seen two psychologists in the past to deal with insecurity related paranoia and once been on medication for depression 15 or more years ago. I would rather steer clear of anti depressants because of the side affects and I don't feel like that is the solution.

I still do feel the same way about the issues I raised in my original post but I am coping with it better today I guess. I do need professional help, but I often feel like psychologists cant help, I feel that I am just wired this way.

If anyone could share with me some recommendations Id be grateful.

Ps. I did not mean to say "destroy my loved one" in the original post btw, what I meant to say was something along the lines of "emotionally destroy my loved one's"... You know how it is when your mind is emotionally exhausted and you just need to get everything out.

[Blueillusion]

I feel as though the anxiety is causing me to feel depressed. I also tick every box on the anxiety checklist on this website. I do not know a lot about anxiety but reading about it resonates with me a lot.