Struggling again

[Patches63]

New to the forums and Beyond Blue but not to mental health issues.  About 15 years ago I learnt that I have struggled on and off with mental health issues since I was 9yo, I was mid 40’s at that stage.  I had been my mums carer for approx 6months.  Couple days prior to Christmas my mum had heart attack in my arms and was rushed to local hospital.  She passed away before I got to say Goodbye.  Not long after I had suicidal thoughts, was referred to psychologist who diagnosed depression and separation anxiety.  About 11 years ago met the man who I married few years later.  Just over 3 years ago he passed away following 6mth battle with cancer.  Since then been various ‘unpleasant’ or distressing things that happened that have been gradually wearing me down mentally.  I’m now having unwanted daytime flashbacks, panic attacks and wanting to withdraw from everyone.  

[Patches63]

I have appointment with local gp next week to discuss referral for professional help.  Have spoken to oncall BB counselling line who has sent me some information about different types of assistance.  

[indigo22]

Hi Patches63,

Welcome and thank you for sharing, I a sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time at the moment. I can relate to a number of things you mentioned. I was diagnosed in my 40s but have been dealing with dysthymia and major depression since about the age of 12. I also cared for my father, brother and mother who all had cancer. Life can feel brutal when we go through so much pain and heartache and I am so sorry for your losses.

I am glad to see by your second post that you are arranging to get some help, just remember you are welcome to come back to the forums anytime you need to talk to people who understand and feel supported. Take care and let us know how things are going.

indigo22

[sbella02]

Patches63,

Thank you for finding the courage to post here, we warmly welcome you to the forums. 

Losing anybody close to you is difficult, particularly if you've lost two people who were close to you in a short space of time. It's very important that you allow yourself adequate time and space to grieve in the ways that you feel are necessary. Grief is not linear, and everybody grieves differently. It's also very normal to still feel the pain years after losing somebody. Sometimes it'll feel like it gets easier and sometimes it'll feel worse, and that's okay. 

Have you spoken to a professional recently about how you're feeling? They may be able to help you through the grieving process and offer some professional coping strategies. 

As somebody who also suffers from panic attacks, I may be able to offer some advice on how to deal with these specifically. Breathing doesn't always help, but sometimes allowing yourself to focus on "smelling the roses and blowing out the candles" can be a good technique to use for calming yourself down. Movement also helps, I'll usually get up from where I am and go for a bit of a walk around the space, or engage in some kind of short-term physical exercise.

I hope this is helpful advice, and please feel free to chat some more with us, we'd love to hear more from you if you're willing to share.

Take care, SB

[Patches63]

Hi Indigo22,

sorry to hear about your losses and things life has thrown your way.  This afternoon had a read through the information provided.  Information on website from professional fairly local to me spoke to my heart.  I have reached out to her via email and will follow up with phone call if hear nothing back day prior to seeing local gp.  I’m moving to a new home in 3 months and am looking forward to feeling happier within myself than currently are so I can enjoy my new home with my 2 cats

Patches

[indigo22]

That's really good to hear Patches, I hope the person you contacted turns out to be the right one for you. We have something else in common, cats. They are so comforting when you are feeling low, my little one has managed to keep my heart open through it all with her unconditional love, she is almost 15. I moved to a small seaside location after the losses and have not regretted it since the first morning when I woke to the sound of birds singing. I was in Melbourne but could not bear the rat race any longer, since being where I am now, the stress has reduced significantly. I hope your move will do the same for you. Please let me know how things are going moving forward.

indigo22

[Patches63]

Thanks Sbella. Current panic attacks are happening when I’m driving or in traffic.  I try to focus on my breathing but doesn’t always help.  Panic attacks are connected to traumatic car accident from few years ago during period of time my stress levels were quite high already.  I received grief counselling about 15 years ago but have never had professional help to assist with healing from multiple trauma.  
im an animal lover, have always had pets plus inherited my maternal grandfathers love of and for draft horses.  Reading through different programs for assisting healing with trauma I was provided via BB this morning I have reached out via email to professional fairly close to me who uses Equine Therapy.  Animals have an amazing way of healing on so many aspects, Im hoping to hear back from her to discuss me possible starting my healing with help of natures creatures.  I have another appointment with local gp this coming week to discuss my mental health and to have mental health plan prepared.  Hoping to hear back regarding the SE Equine Therapy prior to seeing local gp.

Patches

[Patches63]

Indigo22 I am an animal lover and have no fear of almost any land animal. I was welcomed home from hospital as a baby by cocker spaniel and a tortoise cat who came running any time I would make any noise.  I was given my first pet, a puppy when I was a toddler and have almost always shared my life with pets ….. Dogs, cats, poultry, rabbits, buggies, canaries.  Trust and letting people get close to me are areas I struggle with.  Pets have an amazing way of sensing things and responding to us.  As an adult I am wary of approaching animals I do not know but have no fear of land animals.  I’ve mentioned in other chats, I am drawn to draught horses.  Magnificent animals who are gentle giants.  I have learnt a lot from animals over the decades especially one cat in particular who was living in bushes near area where people fish and, same as others in same area, living of whatever food people threw them.  I managed to rescue him, took many months for him to feel safe but in return I received unconditional love from him.

Your words of rat race hit a chord with me.  I was working and living in western suburb of Melbourne when my mum died and knew I had to come home.  I live in suburban area but more than 1hr drive away from Melbourne. I grew up in different suburb that had a semi country feel to it, where if not home parents knew to start going to neighbours houses up to 4 and 5 houses either side.  I’m going to be moving to lifestyle village in nearby area which still has relaxed, semi country feel to it.  Area where going for walks in nearly plant nursery, parklands or beside creek is common past time for lots of people.  Started the process of getting ready to sell my house late last year during which there was some hiccups plus have been some hiccups and multiple changes to which house I am buying at lifestyle village that, at times I’m expecting some thing else to go wrong.  People ask me am I excited about moving …. It still doesn’t feel real.  My head knows the advantages plus reasons I chose to move, my heart will catch up at some stage.

Patches

[indigo22]

Hi again Patches,

Equine therapy sounds wonderful, I had a horse when I was between the ages of 8-12 and although he was a bugger to ride (only ran when his head was pointing toward home), I have many fond memories of that time.

I feel more comfortable around animals than people, I think that it's because they never judge you like humans can and do. I also lived in the western suburbs for most of my life, spent some time in the north but returned home when my father was ill and stayed until they all passed then moved to where I am now. As far as the hiccups with the move are concerned, you have already lived through the worst that life can throw at you and you survived (albeit with some healing needed), so you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. My philosophy is "if I managed to survive all that, everything else is just a bump in the road in comparison".

Keep in touch,

indigo22

[Patches63]

Indigo22, I’ve never had a fear of any land animal which as a child got me into trouble few times.  Have lost count number of times I was bitten or scratched by dog or cat who didn’t know me.  The joys of being young with not a care in the world.  Growing up I was happiest when I was with my pets, relatives pets or watching shows on TV about animals.  Mid primary and I knew I wanted to be a vet …. major problem when mid teens and brain can’t process or understand chemistry.  Youngest child of wonderful couple who were my neighbours for many years had grown up in Moe area and had her own horse, beautiful chestnut filly who had such a placid nature.  She is 4years older than me and was always happy for me to tag along when she spent time with her horse.  When she was late high school, once when she broke her leg plus in her 20’s she moved interstate I took over feeding and grooming the filly plus her last foal, he was unbroken and left bruise and teeth impression on my arm once. Nice colt with so much energy.

thanks for the encouragement regarding the move.  Saying I like which I’m trying to hang onto is “ you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think and loved more than you know”

Patches