Strained mother-daughter relationship

[kn94]

Hi everyone, 

I am having a lot of anxiety lately regarding my strained relationship with my mum.  I am a 29 year old female, an only child and still living with my Vietnamese immigrant parents.  I was born and raised in Sydney by parents who showered me with lots of love and affection. 

My relationship with my parents was strong throughout my childhood and I used to share everything about my life with them.  I would always please my parents and do what I was told.  However as I am getting older, I have noticed that their over-protectiveness, especially from my mother, is becoming almost unbearable.  My social life is great, I am in a relationship and have lots of friends I like to catch-up with on a regular basis.  I have hobbies I like to maintain like running, cycling, and hanging out with my boyfriend and friends improves my mental health.  However, my mum doesn't like this, and would often guilt-trip me into staying home to cook and clean after work everyday.  She says if her and dad do household chores all the time, they will pass away sooner.  For context, my parents are in their early 60s with no major health conditions and can manage daily chores well.  I feel like they have been very difficult and are extremely co-dependent on me.  I can't go out now and enjoy my time thinking I would come home to a lecture or an awkward sex ed talk from my mum at the end of the night.  

We can't have a normal conversation now without arguing as out of nowhere she starts to make critical comments about my weight, criticizing most of my life decisions and giving me unsolicited advice about my job, finances, and relationship choices.  I used to be reserved and listen to what she says during arguments, however, now I am needing to stand up for myself and arguing back when I disagree.  When this happens, she tells me that I am a disrespectful daughter, I love my friends more than my family and it seems like I wouldn't care if her and dad passed away.  It is honestly really hard and hurtful to hear, and makes me very sad. With this, I have become more private and selective with what I disclose to my parents, feeling I need to protect my life decisions and not share with them what is happening in my life to avoid the criticism I receive from them.  I feel very sad our relationship has got to this stage as it wasn't this turbulent compared to what it used to be. 

I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts on this, and if you have any advice you could share x

[Croix]

Dear Kn94~

Welcome here to the Forum, where I suspect you may well find others with the same problem. You might find some in the Multicultural Experiences area.

It is very sad when relationships with parents who used to be so loving become soured.

When you were little, as you say yourself, you tried ot please your parents all the time, and everything was good.

Now you are a 29 y.o. female wiht a job, boyfriend and very full life. In a way that means as you grew up you parted company wiht the social standards your parents were used to. You naturally expect to live a normal Australian life.

Unfortunatly your parents do not seem to have grown in the new culture and cling to the one they may have been born into.  As  a result their inappropriate (in our culture) expectations are not being met. This in turn leads them to try to get you to conform by emotional blackmail and criticism -both things destructive to the relationship.

I would expect it is only normal you would chafe under restrictions they would like to impose and are now old enough and confident enough to set out your own views. Even the fact you try not to express them at times so as to keep the peace must be frustrating -and just as importantly diminish your parents in your eyes. They are not the wise elders you accepted as a child.

So what to do? What do you think is a reasonable course of action that preserves your happiness and hopefully does not mean you and your parents totally separate? Also what does your boyfriend feel? After all it will affect him too. I hope you are able to look to him for understanding and support.

It would be great if you come back and we can talk about this very difficult situation again

Croix

[Maxiebon]

Hi! While I sadly don't have much advice, I'm just coming to say that you're not alone! I'm in pretty much the same situation! My family is of Greek descent and I live with my mum and my grandma. They criticise every move I make and give me unsolicited advice. And they get angry at me when I don't listen to them. They also say that I love my friends more than them (although this is becoming true with how they treat me—my friends don't do that) because I spend more time with my friends, and that I wouldn't care if my mum and grandma passed away (which is very much not true).

It's so hard to hear, and I'm so sorry you're also going through this. I do want to say that, no matter what they might try and make you think, your feelings are ALWAYS VALID. You are allowed to have a life! You are entitled to stand up for yourself, even if ethnic parents see it as disrespect... they don't realise that they're disrespecting you by not respecting your wishes to end the conversation. Families are supposed to be loving and accepting and free of judgement and shame. They do it because they think it's a form of love, but it's so hard to feel it when they make you feel so horrible. Don't let the people who are supposed to make you feel safe, end up making you feel like you can't be yourself anymore. If you can't move out (neither can I), just make sure you remember who you are in your mind and don't ever let go of it.

[kn94]

Hello Croix,

Thank you for your reply, this is much appreciated.  I have been busy in the past week with work so only had the chance to see your response now.

I think the next steps for me is to move out of home in the new year.  I believe some distance will be healthy where we can still maintain a relationship with weekly visits etc.  The difficult part would be discussing this, as they may not be on the same page.  It is a tricky situation as my boyfriend and I would like to move in together and progress the relationship.  I have seen some of my friends in similar situations to me whereby they haven’t discussed the matter with their parents and have bought a place/rented/moved in together, causing lots of conflict. 

Luckily, my boyfriend is understanding and doesn’t want to cause drama, so believes moving out together doesn’t have to be immediate.  I’d want to avoid the drama as much as possible and am planning what to say and how to approach this tactfully.  Just don’t know how yet.

[kn94]

Thank you Maxiebon for your response, this means a lot.  Sorry to hear you’re in this situation, I feel comforted to know someone is in a similar boat as me and I really hope your situation improves.  You make very valid points - I agree, while ethnic parents think criticising is to show that they care and love, it is detrimental to their child’s self worth and esteem.  I need to not let their comments affect me and am trying to learn to stand up for myself more, so I can be free and live my life. 

[Jjdajetplane]

This reminds me a bit of my mom, she is an immigrant as well and had that same kind of hold over me and my siblings. I'm sorry you are having a hard time of it. It sounds like your mom might have her own issues to deal with. We can't control other people (even those we love)  and how they react to our decisions, but I hope that you keep doing what is best for you. In my mom's case, a lot of change happened over time and exposure. Do you feel comfortable bringing your friends or boyfriend into your house? I find that if they are in the home, and open to being helpful - like clean up after dinner with you or something , it could help soften your relationship with your parents. 

Best of luck!

[kn94]

Thank you, Jjdajetplane for your reply - truly appreciate it.  I do bring my friends and boyfriend over sometimes, though not always as my parents don't speak English well, and understandably, feel self-conscious around them.  My Vietnamese is also not great, and translating can be a bit difficult.  But you are correct in saying it does take time and exposure for my parents to learn and adjust to these changes, we will wait and see.