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Recently separated and lost

RAADC
Community Member

Hi there?

I need some help, my partner recently decided after 20 years that she would leave me. It’s a long and detailed story but my problem is that it’s been three months and I’m still hurting like hell and I’m lonely. I even feel rejected by my 12y/o daughter although I know she has withdrawn and is suffering herself and tea’s worse.

4 Replies 4

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

Had 3 long term 7+years relationships then 11 years happily married. My second relationship was my 1st marriage 11 years long 2 kids 7&4yo. Ended up in a caravan park in a 11ft caravan at 40yo. Now 66yo. When I moved into caravan park like you, lost, sad, lost so much- full time parenthood, neighbours, dog, home, my town.

So took up walking nightly and glanced at a real estate shop front and there was my future- a block of land. Suddenly I was energised, a kit home, clear the house site, erect a garage etc.

Distraction accompanied by motivation can be life changing. Even dating for company and friendship.

I've compiled a list of threads that you can benefit from. Simply read the first post of each.

Use Google

Beyondblue distraction and variety

Beyondblue the best praise you'll ever get

Beyondblue worry worry worry

Beyondblue 30 minutes can change your life

Beyondblue meditation- he helped me for 25 years- maharaji

(The last one has Web site suggestions worth watching)

I hope I've helped. Repost anytime

TonyWK

Thanks, but can you tell me, should I still be grieving the loss? I mean I am back at work, self employed, started a Diploma to advance in career, I can’t talk to my family because they were too close and are badly hurt. I now know that my partner who has been on anti depressants for a long time became addicted to opioids and it changed her gradually and she would not let me help. Denial, Denial, Denial, then bang. So I understand, I still love her enough to care too much so I’m struggling to let go. We still talk, we share a child, she has a professional job. Should I still care?

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

"Should I still care"?

- if you feel the desire to care then yes. If you feel you can be friends then be friends, the rules with ex partners is- there are no rules only the restrictions she puts on you.

"should I still be grieving the loss?"

- grief, intensity and length is a personal issue. How long love for her lingers is the same. My first relationship of 7 years ended 1983, I still have love for her. These feelings are normal for you, allow it, try not to feel bad or guilty over what is normal.

"Denial, Denial, Denial". We often get that here. Be it stubbornness, pride, whatever, but as frustrating as it is this is common and not your fault.

"so I’m struggling to let go"

- sometimes time is the only remedy. As above distraction helps

"we share a child"

- that child can be your main focus.

Consider this- her initiating the separation might not be any reflection on you in any way. There can be many reasons for this. What is essential is for you to know from others that have been in your position that life does work out and it has more chance of working out eventually with determination and acceptance of the situation.

Humans often change over time. Some don't communicate effectively to put estranged partners at ease or blame them when they have most of the issues. After months of trying to make sense of my 1st wife's actions I convinced myself she had big issues. I'd say myself "silly woman". Then 3 years post divorce her 2nd husband approached me revealing he had the same problems with her narcissistic ways.!! Then our oldest daughter at 12yo left home to live with me as she was treated as bad as I was treated. Message is, build your confidence back up, allow much more time to heal, focus on your fatherhood and keep busy.

A GAPING HOLE

My home a shed, a bath a pail

But it not matter

silence so noisy

Silent nights, no pitter patter

Discarded, alone and dazed

A contrast oh heck

Miss the memories, the warmth

Wrapped around my neck

Then I wrote down my care

it was plain to see

That real love only exists

If she equally loved me

At a time when logic flies away

And I look for all to see

I search for for my only mirror

To rediscover me....

I trek to collect my little one

Keep my tears at bay

If you needed me in London

I'd swim, if I could not pay

The silence of no pitter patter

My life a gaping hole

But it no longer matters

If it out of my control...

TonyWK

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello RAADC, Tony has provided you with a great deal of informaton.

Feeling like this and being self employed can make the situation worse, because you have to go searching for work or if it's given to you, then you have to try and accomplish the work, that's what I found very difficult, although my wife as still living with me.

As your partner was addicted to opioids then this needed to be monitored by her doctor and by leaving you could have meant she needed to move elsewhere to obtain these opioids.

Having any addiction could be for reasons that we don't know about and it's their way of trying to cope, unfortunately it's only a temporary measure that does need to be addressed professionally, especially as she as also taking AD's.

The love for her could have been before all of this started, however, problems developed and may have also been affecting your daughter, and that's why she may be rejecting you, unsure of here she stands.

You can't chase someone who has an addiction and not ready to get any help because you'll be back to square one, it's only possible if she wants you to help her and that has to be her decision.

It's not easy after 20 years but at the moment she has chosen her own direction away from her family and to chase her would not be helpful until she decides to change.

You can still love the person she was many years ago, but now she is different and really hope you can finish your Diploma and make friends again with your daughter.

Best wishes.

Geoff.