No future vision

[Amber_23]

Ive been married for 5 years to my husband we dated for 7 years prior. 2 years ago he quit his job to pursue a career at home. It didnt work out so now he is trying another job from home, he does not earn any money as yet. We were on the road to buying a house and having kids. Now he says he just wants to finish his work and hopefully never go back to a proper job again. He has not made any money in these 2 years. I have been patient letting him do this because i believe in having no regrets in life. Now i am 30 and we rent living week to week on my income. He has no vision of where we will be in a year and a child is nowhere in it anymore. I feel the pressure to have a child because of my age and because i want to have a family with him i believed he was my soul mate but now my vision of our future is blurry and he doesnt have any regular income. Am i crazy to stick with him even though he is so focused on himself now? We hardly have intimacy, he is always in the computer room. I dont know what to do please help me, i need guidance.

[Croix]

Dear Amber 23~

Welcome here to the Forum, a new experience for you, and that first post may not have been easy, however it is most appropriate under the circumstances, you are not a servant..

As I'm sure you know a partnership is just that , each person sharing the load and most importantly, wanting the best for their partner, easing their problems and giving them happiness -in short love.

There has to be some sort of balance, that does not mean each shares every task equally, you don't both have to mow the lawn etc, however each should feel they are a cherished equal.

From what you have said there does not seem to be any balance, you both initially wanted a house and to have children - and both worked.

Quitting his job and trying a home-based career can be OK, provided it is a mutual agreement, practical, and has some limits. 2 years seems to be to me an awful long time for you to carry the load of the whole household. If it was part of an agreed plan and you had both set a target date, that might have been ok, always provided it was a realistic goal.

This does not seem to be the case here, it sounds much more like your husband has become content to let things go on as they are, and in the process has spent more and more time on the commuter and less with you. Maybe the computer has taken over more of his life than either of you anticipated. Now it would seem he wants nothing else

Can I ask if in fact there was an initial agreement between you, including a time-scaled business plan with a contingency if things did not go well?

Even if there was, it is very much time to have an earnest discussion with your husband and for you to lay out the burden and effort you have put in, plus the dreams you (quite rightly) have and see if you can come up with some sort of agreement you both can live with - maybe involving him working part time, maybe his admitting the home business is not going to work, I don't know

What would you think is reasonable for your relationship to get back in balance without your having to keep on being the only support?

Might I suggest it could be easier if you worked this out in front of a family councilor (Relationships Australia - 1300 364 277 have one such service). Taking such a step may well make him realize how serious the situation has become.

Apart from this do you have anyone you can lean on at this time, a family member or friend perhaps? Trying to cope all by yourself is very hard

You are always welcome here

Croix

[missep123]

Hi Amber 23,

I hear you, that must be a really challenging situation to be in. It sounds like you know what you would like and your goals and priorities and right now it may be clear that they are different to your partner's. That can be very difficult and frustrating especially when you love someone.

Croix mentioned Relationships Australia, relationship counselling may be beneficial as it can help to facilitate conversation between you two and find out where the differences are and see if an agreement or compromise can be made.

Here for you 🙂