This is my first time here. I have anxiety, sometimes I don't know the trigger, it could be making a mistake, or talking, I have zero belief in myself and usually think I'm bad.
At work, I apologize too much and always think (or perhaps I do) say stupid things (well the sarcastic comments tell me it is) and I feel pathetic for being too sensitive.
Recently I'm gotten so upset that I cry, mainly from frustration, which isn't right, I shouldn't because it's a minor thing, especially with the world Iike it is, but there it is.
I have been trying meditation and all that but still the negative thoughts come, sometimes my thoughts go to the negative about work people which I am horrified by, they haven't done anything.
I am trying to be grateful and when my mind goes to the negative I feel bad because I'm complaining and so the cycle goes around.
I'm nearly 38 and I have everything you need to be happy but I'm not.
I have thought about suicide, I feel like a waste of a person on this earth, I don't do anything.
Also too I feel like a drama queen for overreacting over small things which shouldn't matter, especially when others have had it worse, why do I feel like this, I've had a good lucky life!!!
Thanks for reading this,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story. We are so sorry to hear you are in such a dark place at the moment and can hear how difficult the anxiety and negative thoughts are for you. Please know you are not alone in all this. Our valued online forums community is here to give you as much support, advice and conversation as you need. This is a safe and non-judgmental place.
It's a big step that you've taken in reaching out here to the forums and we understand how much courage this can take. Please know that there is always help available to you, and we have also sent you a private message to offer some additional support.
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We hope that you keep checking back in with our community to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.
I do the same, get lot's of negative thoughts and then feel really guilty for having them. Maybe you're having negative thoughts about people at work due to something that's happened at work, maybe the sarcasm? Maybe there is a reason behind it.
For me a lot of anxiety, angst and negativity that I get from work is due to a lack of assertiveness and a fear of confrontation. I find it difficult to speak my mind, be firm and assertive in a respectful and friendly way. I usually let people get the better of me and I struggle with confidence in the workplace so I know how you feel.
I don't know if it would help but maybe try reflecting or thinking about what you think is causing the negative thoughts and everything.
It has taken me a long time with and sessions with my psychologist to get to a point where I am starting to cope. In your final post you mentioned "trivial things". For myself it could be argued I'm similar. There were things that happened in highschool that were not pleasant, issues with parents during teen years. I am a bit of a perfectionist. When I came to the cognitive distortions I ticked all the boxes. There came a point when all the trivial things made me think of suicide as well.
I would describe it as my soul having a shield. Some might use a bucket filling with water. Anyway, each time something happened, the shield takes a hit. It can get repaired but not quite the same as before - a little weaker. Over our life the shield gets hits more and more and weakens slightly each time. Until one time when what is seemingly a small hit does a great deal of damage.
There are many thing that I had to do ... from what to do before sleep, to not drinking coffee after 4, challenging my thoughts plus many other things.
You might feel you are a waste but remember that is mind being cruel to you. I am sure you have many talents - the negative thoughts crush these - at least that is how it felt for me.
Thanks for that, I liked the bit about the soul being a shield, each time your hit, it weakens a bit.
I am still learning what I have to do, sometimes I feel like I need to go through the anxiety until I'm exhausted by it than it goes away.
Your post was helpful.
Thanks for your kind words. I have said to my psychologist that my problems were "first world problems" for many reason and it was seemingly nothing on the surface to account for my thoughts and feelings. Yet for me there were things that happened in high school, family, leaving home that chip away at how we see ourselves. So it was a slow burn for me until recently - the last shot that went through.
do you have any distractions and coping mechanisms?
I've been trying to list all the things I'm grateful for and I also tell my negative thoughts to go away (in private of course).
At times I do feel like it's "first world problems", there are people who are worse and I'm clogging up the system!
At work they probably think I'm pathetic, I've recently found out a colleague's daughter has depression, which makes me worse, she's seen some horrible stuff. I have told someone at work but they seem like they don't believe me and I wish I never mentioned it.
I'm trying to distract myself with stuff but sometimes just going through it till I'm tired or venting it is good.
But thanks for your kind thoughts too.