My husband went to a brothel

[Laurie_M]

Hi all.

Yesterday my husband told me that he visited a brothel just before we met. He didn't have penetration sex but he received oral sex. He told me that he felt nothing and stopped. He went there only because he was drunk with his friend and this specific friend loves visiting brothels. It was a huge disappointment to learn this even though it happened before me. However, he admitted that he went to brothels three more times during our relationship before we got married. He only went there for oral sex but couldn't do it. So nothing actually physically happened. He gets influenced easily. It is just the way he was raised by his parents. Some of his friends are really weird. I believe him that nothing happened because I am good at detecting his lies. I was suspicious that he visited a brothel before but couldn't get the confession until yesterday. We've been together for 5 years and married almost for 2 years. I don't know what to think. I find it disgusting but on the other hand, nothing happened. Nevertheless, it upsets me and I don't know whether I can trust him. He says he is loyal. He registered on some forums since 2017 and talked to others to seek help. He wants to see a psychologist too. I don't know whether I should give him a chance. I don't even know how I can get intimate with him anymore knowing this.

Do you have any suggestions for me?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Your husband was under no obligation to tell you this truth imo. Yet he has.

My view is that if you were seeking a partner without a skeleton in his cupboard, you'd be waiting a long time.

Just my views, others might think differently and that's ok.

I hope you're ok
TonyWK

[smallwolf]

hi and welcome to the forums.

there are many reasons why a man might decide to visit a brothel. And reasons why he might not tell you as well. You will also find similar stories on the forums here. If you do a search for ...

beyond blue partner visited brothel

Ideally it would have been better if he had not. Except he did and that part cannot be undone. So I guess the question would be - where to from here?

perhaps you could tell me about some of his positive features?

I can understand how you would be hurt by his actions. Or what possessed him to go. And now that you have fond out, can you see a time when you can forgive him and move forward? (I take it from your post that he has not gone back since you and he married.)

What do you want to do.

Tim

[ecomama]

Hi Laurie_M

Welcome to the forums.

I hope you gain some CLARITY about your H and your situation.

It seems you're confused.
Your H has betrayed you & lied to you repeatedly so your reaction is true to form.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour... so just saying "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me".

H didn't come to you immediately and confess... you said "I was suspicious that he visited a brothel before but couldn't get the confession until yesterday"

Sounds like alot of angst to drag a confession out of a person who's supposed to be committed by fidelity in marriage. Well done you!

Your instincts are firing and you should listen to them...
"I don't know whether I can trust him" - he's SHOWN by his ACTIONS that you can't trust him.

You thought you married a DIFFERENT man.
The one he pretended to be.
In situations like this there should be an annulment option IMHO.
Perhaps you thought you were marrying a man who could be faithful, honest and have a back bone to stand up to his friends?
Act like a grown up?

I would be extremely careful NOT to be dragged into the inevitable place he wants you!
That is to believe the bs... and enable him, which is already happening by you saying...
~ "because he was drunk with his friend"
~ "this specific friend loves visiting brothels" (ahem so does H clearly, he's been 4 x)
~ "He gets influenced easily."
~ "It is just the way he was raised by his parents."
~ "Some of his friends are really weird."
etc.. not your fault btw that you're enabling H and wanting to blame everyone else including his parents!

We only know what we know until we know differently.

H is not a donkey on a lead.

H has sweet words but the worst of actions.
Pay attention to ACTIONS.
Words are cheap in this area.

Perhaps your confusion is because you now KNOW & have been "smoke screened", had H do "rug sweeping", lying, "love bombing" etc etc... there are about 8 characteristics, manipulation tricks of a cheat.
But this was for your WHOLE relationship. (Your lie detector was a bit askew to begin with).
This treatment leaves the betrayed spouse confused at least.

I don't blame you ONE IOTA for not wanting to sleep with H!
Heavens I'd expect H to get a full screen STD / STI check regardless.

Sorry I don't believe for 1 nanosecond he visited 4x and got nothing.
Why would he keep returning to pay for nothing?
No need to answer that.

Best wishes
Love EM

[amberlite]

Hi and this is my suggestion, you and hubby need to leave his perverted friends behind and make a fresh start somewhere new, alternatively you should make the brake, for your self respect and your future. The relationship is toxic and this will drag you down, if you try and make the best. Red Flags don't come any louder or larger.