lost sad artist

[Soba_Kinoko]

Hello

I am very new to writing on forums. I am currently out of credit on my phone and need some advice! I am a gay female identifying artist (27years), fungi and cat lover. I can see the positive side to things but have been struggling to find a new job and struggling to motivate myself to complete new projects. I am currently taking medication for generalised anxiety disorder and mild depression. At the moment I am too poor to afford the psychologist even the subsidized plan my doctor put me on. She still charges about $40 I think even with the subsidy. I can't be bothered having to go through my family history again with a new psychologist as it is too painful for me to revisit. I just want to move on with my life and focus my energy on getting better and finding suitable work.

I have good days and bad days like everyone else. I take care of my partner who has ankylosing spondilitis (chronic arthritis of the spine disease). We have a lot of fun together and have a lot in common. We have been together for nearly 2 years now and have been living together for the last 5 months, this has been a challenge for me as I want to be a supportive partner but I feel like I have run out of energy and am just cranky all the time. She is so supportive of me and has really helped me identify my anxiety and depression problems. I hate to say it but I probably wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her love. My parents are not so supportive both alcoholics and in denial of their depression/anxiety.

I feel so uninspired and lost. I just asked for some career advice on another forum and the people replied bluntly and said that I needed to figure out what it is I want to do with my life. As far as I know nobody knows this right?

I feel totally frustrated, hopeless and jobless. I don't know how to have fun anymore and am struggling to leave the house unless it is an errand or to meet a friend. I always need some purpose to go outside. I can't just go for a walk and not feel like an asteroid is going to hit me in the face.

If you have any advice I am all ears, I feel so silly for writing like this. Thank you.

[Croix]

Dear Soba Kinoko~

Welcome - and no you will not get any unfeeling advice here. All too many of us have had to face anxiety, depression and others illnesses, and can see exactly how unhelpful such advice is. Also no way you are being silly. You are in a bad place, so you come here to talk to others with the experience - is that silly? - I don't think so at all.

I"m someone who found my illness needed both medical help and the support of a loved one. I'm very pleased you have a loving partner -it's gold

Like you I doubt I'd be here without my partner. I felt at the bad times was that I was a burden, however my partner treated help as turn and turn about. Sure she looked after me. Later I looked after her - we both felt both supported and supporting. Made me feel more of a person - her too.

Being jobless - I'll leave that alone except to say it is a soul destroying position to be in. No money, no respect, no ... well at least many here will totally understand.

I'm sorry about you parents, mine too were an absolute disaster, limited, small minded and .. I'll leave that one alone too 🙂

You do mention friends. If they are friends, and not just acquaintances, they will be there for you. I've found if a person cares they don't have to exactly understand, just care plus effort means a lot.

Having art, artistic talent. What a great thing. Can you say what sort? (No pressure, only if you want). Are there bits that give you satisfaction, that you can loose yourself in? I don't just mean finishing projects, I mean doing particular satisfying sections or parts of works.

I'll come back to what I said before, I needed the medical help. So two things:

First you are on meds, but from what you say about your life and feelings perhaps they could be tweaked or adjusted - their performance improved. Could you see your GP and discuss it?

Second, if this psychologist is too expensive then you really do need another. Without both meds and a health professional I'd only have kept on going downhill. I feel what you say, the hassle and energy needed to start fresh with another is pretty daunting. Can you partner help you write it all down so you could just hand it over and answer questions?

I'd suggest you have a browse around this Forum and see how others have coped in similar situations, plus specifically how they handled anxiety and depression.

I hope oyu are going to find a place here you will be comfortable, please post agan

Croix

[Boo1986]

Hi Soba,

Don't feel silly, you are perfectly normal to me. I was going through a very similar thing a few years back. I was always jealous of my friends in high school who all knew what they wanted to be when they grew up... I was always uncertain. I think that a lot of the time it is due to self doubt... like I wish I could have said as a child "I want to be a carpenter, I want to be an event manager, I want to be a florist etc etc without worrying someone would say "That's silly" or "you wouldn't be any good" or "you won't be able to make any money". I wish we lived in a world where everyone had a sense of purpose, where their "job" was to do what they love and others would appreciate it enough to ensure that persons needs were met. I feel that some careers are 'valued' far higher than they should be... careers that are essentially destroying the world get huge pay cheques, while those of us who bring joy to others don't get paid at all. You have said you are an artist... Isn't this your purpose? Why shouldn't you be paid a decent wage for doing what you love and providing others with colour, light, music, joy or even thought provoking pieces....

Because this world kinda sucks, I get the feeling that your art has not been recognised, and you are not able to turn it into a career... for that I am sorry and wish the world were somehow different... But as I can't change the way things are, may I suggest you look into teaching? It's a pretty good career, and if you teach the art form which you love, then you could be fulfilling your purpose & passion, while still receiving a decent salary...

What do you think?

[Soba_Kinoko]

Hi Boo

Thank you so much for your kind and helpful words of wisdom.

I am a artist at heart.

I studied illustration at uni and it totally changed everything, it has been fun and also painful pursuing freelance illustration but I have turned things around in the past two years. I had two very mean and manipulative clients that had an effect on my self esteem as while starting my freelance service. I also was figuring out my mental health during those years and I felt like I wasn't really pursuing what I wanted to do. I love aspects of illustration but I think I have always just enjoyed making art for myself. I don't regret my study or my decisions I just know now I need to protect my creativity and respect it. I tried to use it to make money and had the wrong mentality. It would be amazing if we were able to make money full time from our art or music or what ever you do but that's not what I am interested in doing anymore. at the moment I am hoping to focus on my painting again while finding some work. I had a successful group show last year and sold most of my paintings which was shocking to me ha. So I would love to keep that up.

I have actually thought about teaching. Are you a teacher may I ask? I was considering a masters in teaching. I want to help children with disabilities learn and use my art knowledge as a tool to help them create too. I also love language. I would love to become fluent in Japanese again and go overseas to teach children for a year. My partner was actually helping me look into courses this past weekend. I consider myself to be a patient and understand person. I love children, sometimes I can get cranky though and I worry this would come into my work? I think I am cranky though because I am not happy being unemployed and a struggling artist.

I have a sister who has 3 little ones of her own and they are amazing kids. I have always encouraged them to do some painting or drawing. When I visit we have art days and they love it. The oldest loves to draw and come up with narratives so I have been trying to help him explore his story telling. This is rare though because they live in a different state. Hopefully I can visit more once I gain employment.

Thank you again for your response to my post 🙂

[Boo1986]

My pleasure 🙂

Yes, I'm a qualified teacher just about to get back into it after having a year off doing admin work...

A friend of mine actually teaches an art therapy class, it is so good for children who have behavioural issues and learning difficulties.. and for adults with anxiety etc. definitely look into it, I think you would be wonderful!!

Everyone has bad days and gets a little impatient at times but it is easier to keep your cook than you think 🙂 give it a shot, I think you would be very happy 🙂

[Guest_322]

Hi Soba Kinoko,

Firstly, cool name! I like it.

I always enjoy reading about people's creative passions and process. Your thread title drew me in.

Just adding to what you and Boo were chatting about...great suggestions...how about part time teaching (instead of full-time)?

The reason I'm suggesting it is you can get the best of both worlds that way; you would get to teach/help/interact with children/etc aspect but you would still have time to pursue your own art. More time than, say, if you went into teaching full-time. I'm thinking part-time would be a good way to balance the 2...teaching art and making your own art. But it's just my 2 cents. Naturally, the final decision is yours to make.

I'm a creative at heart so I do feel an affinity with artists, musicians, dancers, etc that post on BB. Music was and is a huge part of my life. Used to draw and paint a lot and dance was also once a huge part of my life...but stuff happens. Don't do much except music related stuff these days.

Dottie x