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Loss of identity, independence and withdrawn

Chunty
Community Member
Hi lovely people. I am experiencing the above title. Im wondering if this is a common feeling. I have chosen to withdraw from outsides,as it is my way of survival. Would like some thoughts and views of others who feel the same way I do. Take care lovely beings. Chunty
67 Replies 67

Chunty
Community Member
Hi Therising, Im ususally want to withdraw, but Im reaching out  because I actually feel depressed. Im in so much pain that it is draining my soul. The painkillers just take the edges off. Im stuck in a chair always having to wait when I need something and it is so frustrating. I dont know what to do. I dont particularly want to go back to hosptial as its not much fun. Being a BPD Im also battling with rejection and abandonment, so Im facing 2 challenges at once. I try to give of myself alot to others inspite of the perdicament that Im in, mainly to avoid rejection and the need to feel accepted. Actually I dont like myself. You seem to be a very unselfish person and you have alot of insight into other people,s needs and feelings. I function along those lines too. I am so knave at times that I had a cousin, who took advantage of me in my vulnerable state and was planning to cheat me. I gave her so much support with her problems and she was scheming and evil..I soon woke up to her and wiped her out of my life. Im not perfect, I can be ruthless and I have deleted people from my life who have ulterior motives. Honestly my cat gives more to me than humans and her love is unconditional. I admire you working in aged care. Its a very hard work and you sound like a compassionate kind of person. You also know what depression is all about. Il go now and I thank you very much for replying to me. Please dont think Im being manipulative, I always have this fear that I may be manipulting people. I tend to read alot into things. Well bye Dear Therising and thank you. I feel Ive had an indepth post to you:)πŸ™πŸ€—

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Chunty

You've nothing to be concerned about for in no way do I find you manipulative. You're a very open and honest person πŸ™‚ It's always refreshing to connect with people such as yourself.

Waking up to people can be a tough process at times, that's for sure. I've found it's kind of like being asleep to people and then, bamm, you get some big psychological slap and finally wake up. Then you're kind of left to wonder 'Have they always been a bit that way and I've been asleep through the whole relationship?' In some cases I've found waking up to certain people to be somewhat depressing. It can even leave you feeling a bit ripped off, 'Why do I have to do the hard work in coming to terms with such a depressing nature, in another? Why can't they do some of the hard work when it comes to being more conscious, more thoughtful?' I've found, in the quest to better understand people there can be a lot of questions. Like with yourself, it's in my nature to read into things. I find you get a lot of answers this way. Sometimes those answers involve hits and sometimes misses. Reading and mastering sensing exactly what you're reading takes practice. Don't give up practicing. Practice makes perfect πŸ™‚

Physical pain can be so mind altering, so depressing at times. My mum lives with pain every day, it's just a matter of the intensity of it. With her having a lot of specialists in her employment, there have been occasions where she's said 'I feel my whole life is about pain and appointments'. I think it's easy to lose sight of the fact that sometimes we can identify our self through our experiences. So, in her case, 'I am someone who has nothing but pain and appointments'. It's at these times where I show her who she really is. If I bestow on her the identify of 'Food critic', we go out to taste a meal, for example. Lockdowns here in Melbourne have been challenging for her, not being able to get out, to be someone different from who she sees herself as. Being at home doesn't necessarily stop us though. I may bestow on her the identify of 'Speaker of absolute nonsense'. We speak nonsense to the point where it's laughable. The world can appear far too serious and even depressing at times Chunty. One of the ways I manage my mental health is through occasionally indulging in nonsense πŸ™‚

Do you ever question the doctors who don't provide you with enough avenues regarding pain relief? Do you feel they should be better detectives, finding what would make a difference?

Chunty
Community Member
Hello Therising, How you been keeping? I hope you are feeling better than I am. Im a fed up, just existing. Stuck in a chair and dependent on others for my needs. I feel so guilty being alive and a burden to my carer and friend and to society. Sometimes I feel ok and cope and other times just plain fed up. I feel lonely as all the so call friends I have are all gone. One friend expects my carer to drive 4 25 minite trips back and forth to pick her up to come and see me.She cant ask her son to help her. I couldnt do that to a person. I have nothing to do with my brothers as they are just evil I wont go on dear one as Im not feeling very positive. I just want to let you know that Ive been thinking of you and your encouraging post. Take care and God Bless You. ChuntyπŸ™πŸ˜₯

Chunty
Community Member
Hello Petal 22. How have you been. Just been thinkig about you as I consider you as my pen friend. I dont have any friends or family support. Thank goodness for the internet and Merryweather. To be honest Im feeling abit down and fed up. I try my very best to be positive, but itis hard at times. All my so call friends are gone since Ive been sick.There is nothing much I can say except that I do think of you and hope you and your children are well.God BlessπŸ™πŸ™πŸ˜₯

Petal22
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Chunty,

Im good 😊 how are you?

I understand sometimes we get a bit fed up….. when I feel that way I try to change my mindset by thinking of all of the things I’m grateful for 😊

Meditation is great for just calming the mind… I did a nice one last night it was one about being at the beach…. I really felt like I was there… meditation is amazing 😻 maybe you could find a nice calming beach meditation or nature something you enjoy 😊

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Chunty

Wondering who else you have who comes to see you. Is there someone who comes to offer Communion? Also wondering what led you to choose Merryweather's name. I do wonder a lot πŸ™‚

Sometimes I think about that angel on one shoulder and so called 'devil' on the other scenario. I can remember some years ago seeing this brought to life in an Abbot and Costello movie. Don't know why that sticks in my head. What are some of the things you hear from the angel side? I find this side doesn't just offer all happy positive stuff. It can offer some serious challenges too. I imagine one of those challenges for you might have sounded a little like 'You need to stop being depressed by your family and instead work on having less to do with them'. I think sometimes the people closest to us can be the most depressing. As I've mentioned before, it's like one day you just wake up to certain people and become quite shocked by their behaviour, sometimes being left to think 'How did I not see that before?'.

Do you have Netflix or Foxtel or something like that? Personally, I can't tolerate free to air tv these days. I can't help but wonder whatever happened to quality entertainment. A lot of the good shows are on at some insane hour incredibly late at night, way past my bedtime πŸ™‚

I'm a big believer in us all being here for a reason. It's like we're gifted to life on earth in some way. I think we can spend a lifetime in a form of ebb and flow, knowing what our reason is (our purpose) and then at times not knowing. In and out, knowing, not knowing, constantly (unless you've got some deep sense of inner knowing that never leaves you). The not knowing times can feel so deeply challenging.

Chunty
Community Member
Hello therising. Its been a long time since I made contact. I have been having alot of stresses or challenges that confronted me which results in me feeling sick and intense pain. Somehow through Jesus,s help and mercy Im surviving. Yes I wonder why Im on this earth for too. I agree with you thecAngels tell us to keep away from people that cause depression, but I have no choice. I got no one else. I dot know what lesson I have to learn but I think I have to trust Jesus more. He has helped me though through thick and thin. I have been praying alot and that keeps me going. Im going to spend a quiet Christmas, just my carer and Merryweather. That name was given to her by the shelter we got her from. New Years Eve will be a year since we got her. She has doubled her size. She was skin and bonne with rotten teeth when we first got her . Now she is a beautful looking pussycat. I pray to Jesus to keep her in good health. I guess you will be spending Christmas with your family. I wish you and your family have a Happy and Blessed Christmas and a Happy New Year.πŸ˜ŠπŸ™πŸŽπŸπŸŒπŸ˜‹

Chunty
Community Member
Hello all you lovely people. I just want to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy and Healthy New Year.I hope that you all will have a good year.God Bless You All. ChuntyπŸ™‚πŸ™πŸŽπŸπŸŒ

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Chunty

You are so thoughtful. To you I also wish the best for Christmas and the new year ahead and I wish the same for Merryweather as well as your lovely carer. I may have mentioned how I'm led to smile when I think of Merryweather's name and the fact that she stays faithful to you in the stormy times when fair weather friends have not been so faithful during such times. It's like the powers that be have said 'I will give you merry weather for every day, no matter what, no matter how dark and stormy things get'. It sounds like you've brought a lot of sunshine and peace into her life, given what her life was like before she met you. You're her angel on earth.

When I think of prayer what comes to mind is the 'Footprints In The Sand' poem. Every time I read this it brings a tear to my eye. I imagine you've read it or heard of it. The thought that we are never alone, no matter what, is one of great consolation. One of the things I've discovered over the years is an open mind creates a channel for guidance, whereas a closed mind makes it harder for guidance to come in. It's so hard to create a constructive positive open channel when overwhelming challenge fully occupies the mind. I can relate to what you mean about trust. I've lost count of the amount of times over the years where on occasion I've lost trust, where I've felt hopeless and then some heavenly miraculous revelation comes to mind leading me to proclaim 'I'm never going to lose faith or trust again'. Then some overwhelming challenge comes up, with no immediate solution in tow and I forget to seek guidance or imagine it's just not there. I smile when I imagine some guardian angel beside me (during my faithless times) rolling their eyes, smacking their forehead and shaking their head in disbelief and frustration, before proclaiming 'You're unbelievable. Haven't you learned yet, you are always free to create a channel for guidance'. Perhaps it's a matter of practice. As they say, practice makes perfect. I suppose the lesson comes down to not just practicing 2 way channels of prayer/meditation for guidance in the good times but practicing them in the tough times too, so that they become a natural part of the tough times.

Can recall in one of my meditations for guidance something quite profound which came to mind, 'You are allowed to feel sorry/sorrow for yourself. There is nothing wrong with grieving over a lost sense of self. Just don't get stuck in that sorrow. Getting stuck is the problem' πŸ™‚

Chunty
Community Member
Hi Petal 22 Its been awhile since we,re made contact. Im not having an easy time. Besides trying to cope with my physical problems, I have to deal wth the depression as well. Im lonely, with the exception of my carer and my darling cat Merryweather whom I love dearly. How have you been keeping? and how is your family. Ive just got so much hassels going on that Im fed up and wish I did not have to depend on anyone for my needs. Its a horrible feeling of obligation and guilt. I pray alot, sometimes too much till I make myself feel sick. My Chistmas is going to be very quiet you know Petal22 some people drain me and upset me. I dont know where to reach out or who to trust. Il go now. I just want to wish you and your family a Merry Christmas and God,s blessings. My carer from Helping Hand will be here soon to change me for the night. I hope to have a longer chat with you soon. Ii have been thinking of you. God Bless ChuntyπŸ™πŸ™πŸ˜‘πŸ˜‘