Keeps Coming Back: My Story

[Apparentlyhotbutnot27]

Let’s do this:

My main issue / is lack of relationships, friendships & literally no intimacy over the last 20 -25 years.

I had a horrible upbringing & probably suffered on a level that no kid should have to. I didn’t have any emotional support growing up, moved around alot. I basically educated myself on all aspects of life. which worked but didn't last long as you will read.

I remember finishing school & soon after the house of cards came falling down. I'll never forget the anxiety for as long as I live. I never told anyone for 2 years but had to, as I knew I couldn’t go on anymore.

I saw a Dr who put me on anti-depressants, which did SFA. I was too erractic to bother going back, so my condition stayed like this for another 3 years.

I just faked being happy & tried my best to please everyone, knew that part well. Soon found alcohol & drugs & proceeded to run myself into oblivion for next 5 years. 

My family & friends were worried sick, so I’d behave for a few weeks then the cycle started again. The penny dropped after writing off two cars and narrowly avoiding jail time, so I decided to get help. It was fun at the time but boy was I was pretty loose, how I made it out alive i'll never know actually.

I’ve thought about suicide a lot, still do. Something inside tells me to keep going, don’t know why but I’ve always decided to hang tough in the hope of it all being worth it someday.

I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD (3 years ago) & am on medication, which has helped stabilse my life & I’ve made some improvements.

I guess a lot of what’s driving this: Lack of intimacy. Nowhere near the amount i'd hoped & none since  ADHD diagnosis either. I’ve had women find me attractive & I’ve had opportunities to date over the years but due to my situation, couldn't act on it them which is really sad.

I've honestly tried my best but i'm ashamed, class myself as a joke.

I know alot of people who know me would be shocked & couldn't imagine this happening to someone like myself. That wasn’t meant to sound arrogant either, sorry if it did.

I've never been bitter & resentful towards others though, I’d love to use my experience to help young kids or adults dealing with whatever challenges they are facing, or may face one day. Guess it would do some good.

I apologise for upsetting anyone with what’s been written & if some doesn’t make sense. Had to fight back tears whilst writing this & it’s taken longer that I thought it would..

Big thanks for letting me share today.

JG.

[mmMekitty]

Hello JG & welcome to the forum. Thank you very much for sharing your story, so well written & thoughtful, emotional & I'm sure there are people reading who can empathise with your feelings & relate to your experiences. I can see that it was difficult to write, & took a lot of courage to finish your post. Just putting down in words some of the things you've experiences & felt, & knowing only you know how much work you have put in to getting yourself to where you are today; it must have been a rough & winding road.

I'm glad to know the meds for ADHD have helped some, but I am sure you know they will not be the entire 'cure'. If you have found someone such as a therapist, who you are able to work with, who you are confident will help you manage your moods, thoughts & relationships with others & the world in general, could that take you to a place where you could see yourself meeting more people, making more friends maybe even finding someone interested in dating & romance? It's worth some feelings of embarrassment & discomfort to let your therapist know that am intimate relationship with someone is something you want to achieve.

I applaud your attitude about how you might use your experiences to help others. That is another worthy goal.

hugzies

mmMekitty

[Apparentlyhotbutnot27]

mmMekitty,

Many thanks for taking the time to read my story, I really appreciate it.

I'm sorry for the delayed response. I meant to get back to you sooner but stumbled upon yet witches hat, so I've been busy having too much fun dealing with that.

How are things going on your end? Hoping everything is going well for you.

Again, thank you for getting back to me.

Chat soon.

JG.