Just found out about my wife’s long term affair

[Saltyfish]

Hi there,

Not sure what to do, my life has been thrown upside down after I found out my wife has been having an affair for the last 8 years. I found out about it from my daughter who saw the messages on her computer. She has shared messages with my wife. I’ve confronted her about it and she admitted the affair. 8 years is 1/3 of my marriage. Her lovers wife doesn’t know about it. I have no idea how to broach the subject with her or if I should? I’m not the perfect husband, I have plenty of issues of my own and haven’t been the best but I have never cheated on her.
She doesn’t want to split up, nor do I particularly but I don’t trust her anymore so not sure how to move forward.

My health has taken a huge hit, have been to see my doctor for help to reduce my blood pressure which is now at dangerous levels. I have a 15 year old daughter and a 9 year old son to consider in all of this and they are my most important priority.

I haven’t told anyone about it including our families due to the embarrassment and pain this has caused me.

Devastated is an understatement.

I would appreciate some advice from the community on what to do.

[Croix]

Dear Saltyfish~
Welcome here to the Forum, it has been a shattering event and I’m sure you are completely at a loss at what to do - I certainly would be.

Nobody can tell you what’s best in your circumstances, except I’d urge you to do nothing quickly. There is a great temptation to react, and in your current mental state you might not make the best long-term decisions.

Also if it was me I’d not get involved in your wife’s lover’s family, but just concentrate on your own. There is plenty there to consider.

I’m not going to be judgmental but simply look at facts. For 16 of your 24 years together things may well have been as you imagined.

For the last eight although you might have thought everything was the same your wife did step outside the marriage, and after that long it almost seems like it was a stable situation, even if you did not know all the facts. Her reasons for doing so at his stage you have not said. Everyone has reasons for their acts

Now of course things have changed, you know, your wife realizes you know, and you daughter knows. This has to make things different for the future. So a lot of it boils down to what you want.

You’ve said neither you nor your wife wish to split up, however have not said how you would feel if the lover was still on the scene., if she did want the external relationship to continue how would - and your daughter – feel?

If she undertook to give it up it wold not be an easy path, but perhaps more possible.

A family splitting up does not end the relationship, apart from all the financial hardship it can cause and a complete dislocation of life for all the custody of underage children normally means contact has to be maintained, hopefully with understanding and reasonable give and take, if only for the children’s sake.

My first suggestion might be to see if you and you wife can work things out together with the assistance of a family councilor - how do you feel?

Croix

[missep123]

Hi Saltyfish,

I'm really sorry to hear that has happened 😞

It can be very difficult when our trust in someone is diminished or challenged. I can understand you and your partner do not particularly want to split up but you are confused currently about what to do next (and understandably so!).

I personally think that couples counselling can be very helpful. An experienced professional can help to guide conversation and help to open communication. Would you think this might be an option?

I like Croix's suggestion of not doing anything too quickly. You mentioned that your blood pressure is very high and I think taking care of yourself is a priority. How have your sleep, eating patterns etc been since you have found out?

We are here for you Saltyfish. I know this is a very challenging time but please know that you are not alone.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

You certainly can take your time deciding your family’s fate, and that’s the load on your shoulders now through no fault of your own.

What I can say is what I would do in your situation.

Yes I’d be in no great rush but I’d act within 2-3 months. I couldn’t live with her- my marriage would likely be over but there would be that 5% of doubt and that’s the purpose of the few months to consider.

Trust is the big issue. I’d be asking myself- if she knew of the consequences then why continue it for so long? Did she always believe if she was exposed that I would forgive her? If so, to me, I’d feel I am easily manipulated or she can get away with anything. Does she want the marriage to survive for the children’s sake or because she loves me? How could she love me if she did this?

Now this situation wouldn’t be such an intense issue if you yourself had felt the physical side to the Marriage was wanting and furthermore you had strong desires to also go outside the relationship to seek pleasure. But you haven’t and therein lies the stark difference that, emotionally would be impossible to fill.

That my view. I sincerely hope you weigh up all your options and reply anytime here for a response. Take care of yourself, your kids are worth it

TonyWK

[Happy_To_Help]

I agree with not reacting immediately. Since you both have stated that you want to marriage to continue, its important to discuss what that means for both of you. From your end, you need your wife to be honest with herself and you about why she did this. After 8 years, the fact that she didn't seek to end the marriage is probably an indication that she definitely wants to make the marriage work.

If candid, honest chats with each other about this don't work, then my view is that its worth seeking the help of a councellor together.

Take care.