Just can't seem to get through this tunnel
I am so inspired by the posts of everyone and thank you all for sharing your stories and journeys. I loved the stories of those of you who have made it through to the other side of this darkness. I hope I can get there too.
I have some wonderful things in my life to be grateful for but feel so lonely and in such a dark place. This has gone on for many years on and off and I can remember these feelings when I was younger too. I have managed to get through them with keeping busy I guess; and had always prided myself of seeing the positives in any situation. I am struggling to do this for myself though at the moment emotionally. I now have a chronic illness which means I can't work and can't over exert physically. This has impacted greatly on my mental health and I struggle with this daily.
I am feeling more and more often that I would prefer not to be here. I know many of you understand this feeling. I have a daughter and feel confident that I wouldn't take action on these thoughts but they are consuming me more and more. A more general feeling that if I was to die that I would be ok with that. I know this would cause her great trauma and I would never want to do this but the feelings are still there and very strong. I know others would be sad for my passing but they would move on as we all do.
I have been through trauma and illness and all of this has impacted on my current mental health. I feel like my spirit has been broken. So many of us are born with such love and kindness and through years of unkindness and abuse this dwindles into nothingness. I guess this is where I am at the moment. I have an overwhelming sense of nothingness.
I have a good medical team, some good friends, a great brother and cousin and have just joined a wonderful group of women for support. I have had to let go of people who I thought were friends but turned out not to be which was painful, have a strained relationship with my sister who was once one of my closest people and have been single for over 10 years because single parenting and supporting family has consumed my world.
I miss being in a relationship.
I would love to see more sunshine rather than darkness.
Thank you for reading through this if you have made it to here. 🙂
Before I comment on your situation let me tell you a short story.
In the 1990's I was unhappily married with 2 young kids. At that time I didnt know my family and I had bipolar. My father told me "better to be a part time dad than no dad at all". 2 years later as my attempt was under way I remembered those words. I stopped, got help and one week later after yet more abuse from my wife- I left the family home. I then built my own home and paid all the child support and was the best part time dad I could be.
20 years later my daughter was about to enter the church to get married. She knew the story, in fact had come to live with me from 12yo onwards. "Thanks for making it here dad". I knew what she meant, I then walked her down the aisle, the most satisfying moment of my life. I made it.
Your daughter wont get over it. My brother and uncle both took their lives. I know.
So onto you. You sound articulate and caring. You seem to "have it all" but I know that doesnt mean a lot when talking about the dark side.
Do you have a passion, hobby, sport, interest? I'd be very interested if you do.?
A relationship? Well that could be the key. Have you tried online dating? My daughter found her terrific hubby that way.
Fun, imagine laughing until your sides ached. That is achievable and would offset a lot of the depression you feel. The world has many activities that you might not have thought of like scuba diving, fun parks (yes adults do laugh while there) a short cruise, hiking, camping and my favourite- caravanning. In fact I built our own caravan and love it to bits. We also tow it with a vintage car. The more active the less negative thinking. I've been here for many years now as a community champion and it fills up those minutes that cause me harm with boredom- and to boot I get to help others, a satisfying feeling.
We all nee a purpose. We all deserve fun. I hope you get the help you need and reply anytime here.
Thank you for such a sensitive and personal post. It is great to hear that you have found hope from the posts on these pages - it can be so helpful to read the stories and experiences of others. I would really encourage you to hold onto that hope that you are feeling if you can - even make a list of what gives you hope so that you can look to it when things feel meaningless and when you feel you don't know if/why you keep going.
I am sorry to hear that you have found yourself in such a dark place. It sounds like things are feeling really difficult. Has there been anything that has helped in the past when you have felt like this?
It's great that you've been able to identify the strengths in your life, and it is so important to keep these in mind. But please know finding the positive in every possible situation and having this expectation of yourself to do that constantly can be very draining, it's okay to just let yourself feel whatever you do about what is happening in that moment without the pressure to shut those emotions down and bury them. Expressing what you are feeling and what you need is important. Writing can be a great way of doing this and you are very articulate, would you be open to writing? It can be helpful in externalising what you are feeling/experiencing, writing makes you organise your thoughts and get them onto the page. It can also help you see your thoughts from a different perspective.
I cannot imagine how much more difficult chronic illness must make getting through each day, I am really sorry that it is having such a debilitating effect on your mental health. Have you been able to talk to anyone about this and get support for it?
I can relate to feelings of not wanting to be around anymore - please know that you are not alone in experiencing this. They can be very overwhelming and confronting thoughts. There is help available when you are feeling on edge or at a crisis point - please do not hesitate to contact Lifelife (13 11 14) or Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636).
You can reach out on the forums at any time, whenever you feel up to it. We are here to listen. Take care.
Thank you so much Sunnyl20,
Your words do mean a lot. It is such a crippling place at times as you know. After posting on the forum I took my dog for a walk and took in some sun I was still very shaky and low but wanted to move the feelings. A very good friend then called out of the blue and dropped in. This helped so much.
I have finished the day in a much better place than I was this morning and have been for the past few days which is such a relief.
I know this is part of my journey and I just need to keep remembering the feelings pass - as big and overwhelming as they may be at the time.
I am so glad I put my feelings down in the forum this morning. It helped so much to be able to voice them to others that understand - as you probably know - not everyone does.
I think I will be here on an ongoing basis from now on.
Kindest wishes. 🙂
Thank you Sunnyl20,
That is such great advice. We often try to 'make things better' - look for the positive and it is sometimes much more effective to let the feelings we have wash through us. Acknowledge and accept these rather than pushing them away or holding them in.
It is wonderful to be in a forum with others who understand. I think this is what I needed today. I have tried to talk to other people about this, professionals, friends, family but it is different. Unless you have felt these kinds of feelings, had these thoughts I think it must be very difficult to understand. Truely understand.
Thank you again for your wonderful advice.
I wish to start by saying what an inspiring person you are. To seek to find the good in the bad, to seek reason to live, to seek difference when the sameness is challenging and some meaning within what feels like nothingness makes you a seeker not a settler.
Having lived both inside and now outside of depression, I can understand why it can be so difficult to feel gratitude at times while facing the challenges of depression. While a lot of our emotions can be linked to the influence of our chemistry, I've come to realise for myself that the feeling called 'gratitude' is naturally not a basic feeling. I won't always feel it unless there is great meaning behind it. To some it may sound terrible but with depression as a factor at the time, I could not feel much gratitude or love when both my babies were born, these things I now feel deeply. My bubs are now 18 and 15 by the way. I did feel deep gratitude in being given the gift of my daughter every time she lovingly held and comforted me in my darker days, anchoring me to life. I felt grateful for the gift of my son leading me to PND group therapy, which ended my 15 or so year battle with depression. On a material side, every time I got a new car I was basically grateful but never really felt it. Every time those cars took me to places that made a difference to me, I felt deep gratitude. I think we really feel gratitude when it connects us to something deeper. It's an incredible feeling. Of course, we can feel the lacking too, sometimes a challenging feeling to manage. Until we manage to find deeper meaning, what we can be left feeling is nothing but the challenge. Challenge is filled with so many feelings, as I'm sure you well know.
I have found the mantra 'I am not who I think I am' to be significant. It sounds like you have often been challenged to reform yourself, graduating to being someone different, someone new. Each time we think we know exactly who we are, we are at some point proven wrong. 'I am someone who cannot make it through this or that challenge', wrong. Challenge met. 'I'm someone who can't work out what or who is bringing me down in this case', wrong. Challenge met. 'I'm someone who's too scared to burn bridges', wrong. Challenge met. Challenges take us far from who we used to be, as we slowly graduate. Things can be so painfully slow at times.
As someone who's seeking the people who'll help raise you, this tells you that you are someone who can't settle for not being raised.
Oh my goodness therising's,
This is an amazing post. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I will need to read it through a few times to take it all in but can definitely see some of my struggles very clearly articulated.
This morning I woke feeling 'normal' (ie: not filled with darkness) - I then felt silly perhaps a bit ashamed for thinking otherwise only yesterday and the many days before. I even struggled to imagine feeling that way at all - particularly the depths of sadness I felt. As the morning has progressed these feelings have come back and I know that are part of me at this point in my life.
I will not settle though. Thankyou. Thankyou to all of you. I jumped back on this morning to touch base and reread the previous inspirational and supportive posts and am so glad I did.
I am not in the place I was the other day but the nagging darkness is around. I will gently move through today and look after myself knowing it will pass.
I will also start to read through some of the more specific help sections on this website as I try to work out why this is happening and what I can do about it on a longer term basis.
I know this recent bout was brought on by some unresolved issues (challenges) which have triggered my sense of powerlessness. I am curious to see how I can turn these beliefs around and prove myself wrong. I want to conquer these challenges. I want to be able to say at the end that I was wrong - I could meet these challenges!!! (I feel inspired) Thanks again. I am smiling.
So happy to hear you felt inspiration. It's such a beautiful and energising feeling when it comes.
It can definitely be tough when inspiration feels more like stepping stones, with some massive gaps in between, rather than a constant. When I feel the gaps, it can be challenging to maintain the faith that the next step will naturally come. It always comes. Yes, it can take a long time coming, depending on the circumstances including the people around me. Remember, if you're sensitive to feeling inspiration, then you're sensitive to not feeling it too. While I've left depression behind me, there are the odd incredibly challenging days or sets of days here and there where not feeling inspired or raised can bring me so down that it's reminiscent of my years in depression. It can get incredibly dark at times. When this happens I try as best I can to remind myself that this is what challenges can feel like at times. To feel so deeply, to be so sensitive, comes with added challenges. I've found there are also benefits to being this sensitive. I try my hardest to manage staying out of depression through addressing some relevant questions, practicing sensitivity...
- Can you get a sense of what or who is bringing you down, as opposed to raising/inspiring you?
- Can you sense why you can't move forward?
- Can you sense if your energy levels are too low to be able to manage a challenge effectively? Am I not 'charging up' through effective sleep, constructive diet, a constructive amount of sunlight/vitamin D etc. Also, our energy or lack of it can be related to our iron levels, B12 levels, hormone levels and so on
- Can you get a sense of who or what is draining the life out of you?
Can be a long list, so I won't go on.
I've found that it's one thing to be sensitive to how I'm feeling life, it's another to be sensitive to why I'm feeling life the way I am. To 'get a sense' of why means practicing becoming more sensitive. I know, you would think the opposite would solve a myriad of issues, practicing becoming more detached. I've found healthy detachment is often the outcome of being more sensitive. Example: 'I'm starting to get a strong sense that this person is really bringing me down, through the subtle ways they degrade me. If I'm aiming to raise myself, I can't afford to be brought down, therefor I need to spend less time with them. How will I now manage that?'.
While society generally perceives sensitivity as a 'weakness', in truth it is a natural ability.