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Joining the chorus

AbsoluteAe
Community Member

Hello,

 

I haven't posted on here in years, I've somehow grown older yet still in the same place.

 

Recently I had a go at online dating, which seems to have triggered all sorts of negative feels to resurface, desperation and loneliness are not attractive aspects to share and even after getting to know people I struggle to keep things down and conversely online chat can be horrible to get to know people even after meeting in person, detached and asynchronous.  I don't think I want to go into details but I've messed up with two people in particular, I'm trying not to beat myself up over it but it's reminded me of drowning and that need to latch onto anything around me just to stay afloat.

 

Work: I'm doing reasonable well

Social: I work from home full time so my social circles have shrunk as I don't go out as much naturally and rely on either suggestions or reaching out to people which takes a bit out of me

Love: Nothing of note

 

I've scheduled a GP visit for next week and will likely go back on meds + seek counselling but I really don't want to go through them again but I'm failing to see options, I can't work or pay myself out of this hole and just need to work towards change.

 

Thanks for reading.

9 Replies 9

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hi AbsoluteAE, Welcome back to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing here. We hope you find some comfort in sharing here, and in hearing from the lovely community members, many of whom will be able to relate to what you’ve been through.   If you ever want to talk this through with one of the Beyond Blue counsellors, feel free to give us a call on 1300 22 4636, or reach out through Online Chat here.   Thank you for sharing this and giving this community a chance to offer you their understanding and advice. We’re here to listen and offer support, and you never know how your story might help someone else.   Kind regards,   Sophie M 

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello AbsoluteAE, online dating can be very tricky, especially if it doesn't work out and sometimes we blame ourselves but we forget it might be the other person's fault for not wanting to be with us, so blaming ourselves could mean that you're not quite ready to face a relationship, and again, especially if you work from home.

Going back onto medication is not a sign of being a failure at all, it's only there to stabilise our mind and should not be regarded as anything else and by talking with a counsellor will enable you to virtually discuss different situations that will happen when you finally meet someone else.

Geoff.

Life Member.

AbsoluteAe
Community Member

Cheers Geoff, the working from home thing has really thrown me for a loop with regard to online dating, I'm now always available digitally as every conversation I have throughout the day is through chat programs and video calls yet every conversation feels so hollow including with people I've been talking to daily for more than a year.

 

Agreed meds is not a sign of failure, I just was hoping I was just a little bit further along the track to somewhere.

 

Meeting new people has always been hard but this new way of life is feeling far more distant and I'm trying to stay busy but it's hard.  I've found I'm not the most awkward person to meet but that hasn't brought me much solace.

 

Just reaching out rather than letting dams break, need to let things settle and ride out the wave.

Just another update to get a small part of my brain.  Met someone for a coffee which was good but conversations dried up since then, just feels uphill and a bit one sided so yeah...  Had lunch with a group of mates and hopefully organising something for next weekend.

 

Back on anti-depressants along with some meds to help me sleep if needs be.  Starting to feel even more distant but impulse control is improving, if only slightly.

Having another bad day, empty and alone with that elephant on my chest.  I need to get out but there’s nowhere meaningful to go.  I need to reach out but there’s no-one nearby when I'm feeling drawn under, I don’t like only being asked if I’m ok.

 

Breathe, get up, have a coffee, watch some youtube, go out for a walk, do anything to pass this time…

New follow up, some things went well then a week later they went down hill...and further down hill to the point I'm now in a very bad situation.  I've reached out to someone and also had an emergency psychologist appointment on short notice as I was in very bad shape after the event...which I now get to wait nearly 2 months to get any kind of resolution.

 

Holding on the best I can but I've lost a lot of trust in people and really not sure what to do next except wait things out and prepare the best I can.  I can't talk to anyone about this except a psychologist as it's a long short story but it's really rattled me to my foundations.

JHT
Community Member

Hi mate I can say that ive read everything and have struggled with everything you just described your not alone there

AbsoluteAe
Community Member

Thanks JHT, 

 

I had lunch today with friends and told two that showed up early a bit of the nightmare thats going on, very embarrassing and easy to be judged harshly for what happened.  No-one was hurt but lines were crossed in a developing friendship I was enjoying, more than I’ve had in a very long time.

 

Now I’ve lost that “friend”, she has strongly highlighted she wants nothing to do with me and I’m struggling to get my head around things.  Psych has gave me an autism spectrum test and meh at having more labels I can use or context on struggles feeling different.


I don’t understand myself or others, I’ve never been able to just cut ties with someone that remotely matters to me without it messing me up for months.

 

Feeling tired, empty and that little hope that I desperately held on to is gone, like I ever wanted more than just friends.

 

Frustrated with the meaningless.  I have a single voice message from her saved stating she loved the space we shared, thanked me for letting her in and giving her a safe space.  The message haunts me and I can’t get rid of it, I can never reply to it and it means nothing to her anymore yet there’s something in that message that made me feel awake after years of being on autopilot, even in relationships and even a week on my brain is still trying to work things out.  Not a broken heart as there was care but not love, a broken mind where I’m stuck with pieces missing and no closure beyond a hard end.

Time, room, trust, rest, meaningless, acceptance.  Too many thoughts, too much talking

 

I need to vent a little more, I’ll find other ways soon.

 

I just want to get some closure even if its to empty air and without context.

  • I didn’t give you room out of fear of the growing distance I feel
  • I heard the most of the words but didn’t listen
  • I lost your trust with my selfish actions and talk, thinking in words without perspective thought
  • With trust lost, the safety felt was ruined so was any chance of comfort
  • In my confusion and anxiety, I offered what little I could which made things worse
  • things were over before I got the signs as I was blinded by my arrogance

In the end with too many words said, I failed you and that budding friendship that gave me the only sense of relief I’ve felt in too long.  No excuses left, you’ve moved on, I’ll stay here looking at the bridge that was burnt down, contemplating the haunting loss and my mistakes I cannot make amends for despite willing to pay any price.

 

- A