Is there still a forum for people who were cheated on?

[leapfrog]

I found this resource through an internet site. I did notice that the last post was in 2017 but I'm hoping that there is still a forum that helps people move forward from a cheating partner (he's also an alcoholic).

I want to heal me. I want to trust people again and not enter a new relationship one day thinking that all men are going to cheat. This has really thrown me and I want help.

Is there anything available?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Yes, this forum caters for any topic that affects people emotionally like cheating partners.

I assume from your post that you have made the break and are alone now but you have trouble coping and trusting. I hope I can help.

I've had many jobs in my 66 years of life that involved working with men, security, armed services etc. I am not overall impressed with many of them that openly brag they cheat on their wives and that is those that admit it!. So as a male it is disheartening that we can be tarred with the same brush. Yes, you are entitled to real love and devotion and you can find it but there is easier ways to do it than you think.

Firstly the alcohol issue. My last relationship of 10 years duration found my partner was a closet alcoholic. She blamed my bipolar for her becoming one and she refused to address the addiction. Once she mistreated my then teenage girls that was the end. So I do understand. So here is my views on trusting again-

• Date for longer periods of time before committing regardless of your temptations
• Settle for nothing but the best
• Beware step parent situations unless you love all children and are the nurturing type
• Question if a potential partner is secretive at all like hiding phone screens and texts
• If suspicious - nip the topic in the bud, even hire a PI to confirm deny your thoughts
• Dont be afraid of dating more than one guy at a time
• Self praise, yes you are worthy
• Talk away here. Each thread we contribute to has a little black guy on the thread topic that tells us there is a new reply. So we can reply again.

A couple of threads below can help. Just need to read the first post of each.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-best-praise-you'll-ever-get

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/who-cries-over-spilt-milk-

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/confidence--how-do-you-get-it

Looking forward to hearing from you.

TonyWK

[leapfrog]

He'll never stop cheating on me or lying to me - how do I move on?

I’ve been in a relationship for 3.5years. He cheated from day 1. I found out by accident when he sent me dozens of porno images of them. When I confronted him, he looked in my eyes and said “absolutely nothing happened.” There are big age differences between him and his previous partners. He used one young woman for 3months and then blocked her. There was another partner (found out about her this week)!

It wasn’t just her - at least 30 times in three years. We lived together. He’d have a tantrum, leave, go to his parents, cheat, come back. My friends have seen his online profiles, saying things like he likes it rough in the bedroom. It took a while for me to find out - I guessed it one day. He told me it was the "consequence" of me getting angry.

We split for 3months. I met someone. I left this kind man to try again. Of course it backfired. He was still "talking" to his married girlfriend. I remember finding out - he said something vague - I wanted to get out of his apartment. It was late. I was out the front door and he physically assaulted me as I left. I got away, went home, blocked his messages.

He said he was going to go to AA and clean himself up. It was good for a bit. Then I asked him to take a picture of another man's Porsche off the Alexa (he'd used it on his Tinder profile). He blew up and left.

A month later he blew up because I wanted him to put his phone away/watch a movie with me. He left, put himself on Bumble, had unprotected sex with a stranger. He didn't disclose this when he came back.

On Thurs I walked into the home office; he quickly hid what was on his screen. I know he’s cheating. He went nuts. Said that he slept with that other woman because I "goaded" him into it. Then he left me again.

He always blames me. “I didn’t text him enough,” “it’s the consequence of me getting angry?” etc.

This week I found out he was writing to an 18 year old when we first got together, exchanging pictures. It makes me ill. His daughter turns 18 this year.
I’m seeing a counsellor today again. I need help.

I must realise that there is no chance he can change. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why do I keep taking him back?

I was a strong, independent woman. None of my friends know the full story. I'm ashamed. My ex-husband said something recently. I didn't know he knew - I'm most ashamed that he knows.

I'm even upset with his family for their lack of support. I feel alone.

[leapfrog]

Thanks Tony.

The damage that's done by cheating is immense. I'm definitely not the same person I was at the beginning of all this. I used to be fun, young at heart, carefree. Just before I met him I went to Europe on my own for a month and just had a wonderful time.

I spoke with a counsellor today. I'm so glad I did. I want to break the cycle. I've been referred to a clinician. I'm going to use this forum and anything else to help me be strong and not go back.

I made an observation that I've known for ages. I've desperately wanted him to say sorry and mean it. Unfortunately all I hear is "sorry but ..." I've desperately wanted him to genuinely understand what he did and fix it. But I do know that I'm not going to get these things and it's time for me to say I don't need these things any more.

I'm angry at his sister and father. He admitted the cheating to his dad and he didn't have an issue with it. His sister would never tell him his behaviour is inappropriate. I always expected they'd be shocked/upset with him; talk to him (still loving him and showing him compassion) but I know they won't. Blood is thicker than water and all that.

There's just one point you make that I disagree with - I will never date more than one person at once. It's not fair to them. It will also prevent them from being their true selves with me. Anyone that would be okay with me dating more than one person isn't for me. I wouldn't want it in return and I don't want to be that person. I am okay alone. I don't need someone - I want someone. I want happy times and memories together. I want it to happen when I'm better. I'm sadly a bit of a train wreck at the moment. I don't imagine I'm much fun to be with either. But I will be.

Thanks for the resources.

[Sophie_M]

Hi leapfrog,

We can hear this person has caused you a lot of pain. Thank you so much for your openness and strength in sharing this here. It sounds like there is a lot going on, and we’re really glad you could reach out to the forums.

In a relationship, you should always be communicated with and treated with respect, and no one should ever use violence against you. If you'd like to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect about everything that's been going on for you, they're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here: https://chat.1800respect.org.au/#/welcome

It sounds like it's really having a huge impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online, here. 

It can be really helpful to practice self-care after experiences like this. We know it's not always easy when you're going through it, but it could be helpful to think of a few things you enjoy doing and scheduling them in. There's some ideas here, on a lovely thread named "Three self-care things you did today".

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. If you’d like to share a bit more here about how you’ve been feeling, our kind community will be here to offer their support and understanding.  

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear leapfrog,

I am really so sorry that you are going this that....you don’t deserve this at all....He has physically assaulted you and that is a criminal offence...not only that, if he thinks he got away with it...he might just try that again...and I’m really concerned about your safety....I’m praying that he doesn’t and that you keep yourself safe....and if at all possible away from him...

He sounds like a very greedy person....sorry for being judgmental towards him...it’s just that I’ve been through domestic violence for 38 years and know how they can manipulate you into thinking that you are the blame for their actions....You are not...he knows what he is doing is wrong and how it’s hurting you...yet he continues...You are so right in saying he will never change....because how he is now....is exactly how he always has been, is now and will continue to be...

You are very important, you need to keep yourself safe...care for yourself and do what you need to do to protect yourself...

Our lovely Sophie has given you some really helpful contacts...Please Dear leapfrog, don’t hesitate to use those contacts if you need to...

My kindest thoughts with my care lovely lady..

Grandy...l

[leapfrog]

Thanks Sophie.

The counsellor told me similar things - specifically about 1800 Respect.

It felt so good to tell her what was happening and how I was feeling. I've been bottling it up because there was no one to tell. I don't want to tell my friends - for two reason - first, he and I have had time apart (usually a week) and then he'd come back, so I didn't want my friends to treat him badly and second, I do feel ashamed of how he's treated me - how do you tell your friends that your boyfriend of three years has cheated on you more than 30 times and he down plays it and blames me for it?

He hates me using the word "blame" - he feels it's too black and white. If I'd resolved our conflicts better he wouldn't leave and cheat. If I didn't get angry he'd feel safe enough to stay.

Our conflicts are always about me not coping. There's never been a three month period in our relationship where he hasn't cheated. As it nears the three month mark, I start to freak out - why is he on his phone so much? Why is there a password on his computer? Why does he hide what's on his screen?

At the beginning I trusted and look where it got me. He was in a relationship with a young woman and now it looks like there was more than one.

Something always cuts me - it was about two months into our relationship. He came over to see me at home at lunchtime (I was working from home). We were intimate and he looked into my eyes and said "I'm starting to fall in love with you." That same day, only hours later, he went home and was intimate with another person. I still cry when I think of it. I feel pain just writing this. I feel sick in the tummy. How messed up is this?

There are many memories that are tainted. Him texting her while we were on a date.

He was dating someone else not long before that and he couldn't let her go either. He still had her pics on tap.

I've always said that regardless of whether he stays or leaves he has to choose to be committed to this relationship. That's what will never change. He's not committed to me.

He finds it easier to leave and use other women for a few days before coming back. He's a user. I do know this.

Sadly, I think deep down he knows he uses them. He lies to himself probably as much as he lies to me. He certainly is lying to his friends. He attends AA meetings and then goes back to his parents home (where he's staying) and drinks.

Lying is so common it happens naturally.

I feel ashamed writing this and that's good.

[leapfrog]

Thank you so much.

I honestly think that what I really need for the time being is a distraction. I know that's not a solution but I need time away from the routine of him in my life. He left on Thursday and I've had very little contact with him since that time. He asked me to leave a belt in the letterbox and I've done so. Next weekend he will collect all his things and that, I hope, is the last of it.

Six days of him being gone isn't enough distance but six more days, then six weeks and I'll be okay. I just have to know that picking up my phone or responding to his messages resolves nothing and simply prolongs the conflict. I need to move forward without him. I need to grieve the relationship, knowing it's not good for either of us.

I know the assault was criminal - I know. I am in no way excusing it. I will say that he's not typically violent. He doesn't cope with life and he treats people disgustingly at times but he's not a typically violent individual. I am safe and he won't assault me again.

There's a good chance I won't be in a room alone with him again in any event. I'm definitely safe. Thank you.

He is definitely greedy. I've said to him before that we don't have necessary balance - I give and he takes, in all aspects. He's incredibly selfish but more than that he lacks the ability to take responsibility for his actions. Blaming me for his cheating is just ridiculous. It's funny - he once said to me that no matter what he does, if I get angry that's on me - I can control that. But he can't keep his pants on!

As crazy as this sounds, I'll still love him just a little - but I want to do that from a distance.

I think that's what I need help with for now - remaining at a distance.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear leapfrog,

Thank you so much for letting me know you’re safe and not in his company anymore...

It doesn’t sound crazy at all...you still loving him...I survived 38 years of hell.....yet I cried so hard when he passed away...I never stopped loving him....and never will....and at times miss him (his rare good self) so much..

i really do hope so much you can move forward...you are a beautiful person that has struggled with so much heartache and hurt...He didn’t change that part of you....You are an inspiration to a lot of people listening in to your story...

Here anytime you need to talk, sometimes just talking and getting it all out of your head and knowing we are not alone does help us with our recovery...You are not alone lovely leapfrog...We are all here to help you the best we can..,

My kindest thoughts with my care...

Grandy..

[white knight]

Honestly, I could never date more than one person at a time when I did date.

I'm pleased you're seeing a counsellor.

There is plenty of support here.

Google- beyondblue topic distraction and variety

TonyWK