Introduction to the community and a little background on why I have joined

[missmay12]

I was looking through the the community thread posts and decided to join as it looks like there is a good supportive atmosphere which is difficult to find nowadays online.

Just a bit of an introduction as to what I am going through at the moment.

About 2-3 years ago, my parents separated as they could no longer be with each other. The arguing was constant and for many years prior to them separating, they lived mostly separate lives with little positive interaction. I was relieved to hear that they had made this decision at the time as I already knew that it was inevitably going to happen. I had grown tired of the arguments and tension between my parents. I told my parents that I would support them both no matter what through the process of the separation and I followed through with that promise. My brother on the other hand did not take the news so well as although my parents were inevitably going to separate no matter what, my father had also fallen in love with someone else that he met online. My brother refuses to talk to my father as well as me, and will only talk to my mother. He says that he is still hurting inside and does not want to speak to me or my father. I have reached out to him several times and he refuses to still see me. It has really impacted me emotionally as I really miss talking to my brother and I worry about his mental health. I feel like my mother and brother punish me for still living with my father and forgiving him for what has happened. My mother calls me the "golden child" and says that my father's partner will be a better mother to me then she ever will. I try to tell her that no one can replace her but she refuses to listen. She becomes enraged with me and takes out her frustration on me with what has happened in the past couple of years. Unfortunately, I wish I could just say that it was due to the circumstances but my mother has displayed this intensity of anger in the past. I wish she would seek help as I feel that our relationship is also under tension and I cannot stand how angry she gets towards me. It has made me very anxious and depressed seeing that both my mother and brother seem to not be able to move on from all this and I worry about them so much. I would really like to hear from other people who have experienced similar circumstances or even just anyone who would be able to provide a positive or insightful perspective.

Thanks 🙂

[james1]

Hi missmay,

Welcome to the forums and I'm glad you've had the courage to open up and tell us part of your story.

It sounds like you've had a really difficult family history and, from my own experience, being the emotional crutch of a breaking family hurts so much, so I really feel for you and the situation you're in.

A little bit about me: my parents divorced last year and there is not a single period of time in my 24 years where they have not been arguing. It has been terrible and even as a child, I became the emotional rock for my parents to dump their feelings on. I felt like I had to keep them together and eventually it just all fell apart, but still the emotional dumping continues.

The one thing I've learned and which my psychologist has helped me with is: you have no responsibility for them. You're family, but you're also individuals and you all have emotional needs which, because of the separation, are not being met.

If you've been on a plane before, the safety briefing tells us to first put our own oxygen mask, then attend to others. That same rule applies here. You need to take care of yourself before you take care of your brother, mother and father.

If your brother and mother reject your help, you've done all you can. Let them know you'll be there when they're ready to talk, but in the meantime, you can't let yourself be subject to their abuse (yes, it is emotional abuse).

I think you are a really caring person for wanting to help and very empathetic because it sounds like you're really feeling their hurt as well. But you only have one heart, big as it is, and that heart is not designed to handle the pressures of yourself, your father, your brother AND your mother.

The depression and anxiety are signs that your heart is struggling with everything and that you need to take time to just nurture your own emotional needs.

Can I ask if you are seeing any professional help? Even starting with the GP can be a very big and positive step.

Here are some hugs to help you along. You sound like an amazing person and I'm really glad to have you on the forums here.

James

[Zeal]

Hi Miss May,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm so sorry to hear that your Mum and brother are not allowing you to reconnect with them, and are also not speaking to your father.

I have no personal experience to draw from, but I do feel that family counselling/psychology would be the most effective way to resolve this conflict. However, it sounds as though your Mum and brother would be very resistant to this idea. Is there a family member who would be able to act as a mediator, just during the process of entering family counselling? Getting someone else involved in the conflict could backfire, but perhaps you have a family member who would be able to help with this and remain calm?

This is a tough situation. I really hope a forum member will reply with one of their own personal experiences you can relate to 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[Zeal]

Hi Miss May,

I'm glad James posted to you with great advice based on his own personal experience. Because of the forum system, I didn't see that he'd replied to you until after I sent my post!

I also advise you to see your doctor (GP) about your own personal wellbeing.

All the best,

SM

[missmay12]

Hi James,

Thank you for your reply. It looks like we have had similar experiences with family. I'm sorry to hear that your parents separated, it is such a stressful situation to be in and I hope with time that it becomes more peaceful for you. Do you have any siblings?

I have always been labelled in the family as emotionally stable and strong, mainly due to my brother having difficulties with depression and bullying at school, and my mother being unable to control her anger outbursts. I get along really well with my dad, we tend to have similar views on things and so it has created a divide between us. My mother and brother like to see it as the sane (my dad and I) vs the insane (brother and mum) and that we are so lucky we don't have any mental issues. This is far from the truth because my dad and I get really down about the whole situation and feel responsible for hurting them. I am terrible at expressing my own feelingsand will often hide it because I don't want to burden anyone. My mum said to me once "you never say when you are upset", I felt terrible because I couldn't explain to her that I don't feel I can confide in her because she often doesn't listen and begins to become emotional about her own issues. I come away feeling more anxious and that I shouldn't bother expressing my feelings.

Your advice has been so helpful and has provided me with some assurance on what to do. Thank you so much for your thoughtful words 🙂

I am not seeking professional help at this stage and want to see a psychologist now. It feels strange for me because I am studying to be a psychologist but I think I need to speak to someone about how I am feeling.

Jasmine

[missmay12]

Dear SM,

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your advice. I did consider family counselling but thought the same as you that my mother and brother will most likely be resistant to it. Unfortunately my family members aren't particularly helpful in this scenario as on my mum's side, they don't like to discuss any problems openly (they think my mum is over dramatic when really she has some serious mental issues that have been ignored) and my mother will not talk to any family members from my dad's side anymore. I hope with time that my mother and brother can find peace and happiness in life because it breaks my heart to see them so unhappy in life.

Jasmine

[james1]

Hey Jasmine,

Thanks for replying and your concern. Yes, I do have a sister who's in year 12 at the moment. We try to shield her from all the mess as much as we can, and thankfully she escaped the worst when I was still young and she was not yet born, but family breakdowns affect everybody.

What you said here really clicked with me because I feel exactly the same.

"My mum said to me once "you never say when you are upset", I felt terrible because I couldn't explain to her that I don't feel I can confide in her because she often doesn't listen and begins to become emotional about her own issues."

I'd suggest you look up: "21 Comics That Capture The Frustrations Of Depression" on BuzzFeed and go to comic #14 by Moose Kleenex. It's so true and relates to what you said. You can also have a look for the thread "New to here" by PurplOJ in "Suicidal thoughts and self-harm" - there's an interesting side discussion about family relationships in there too.

​My psychologist asked me to put some physical distance between myself and my mum. Not because I shouldn't support her, but because I'm not in a good enough mental state to do that. I described in another thread that sometimes we have to let burning bridges be and, when we feel better, build a new one later. Perhaps that would help you too if your mother and brother really aren't receptive right now.

I think it's great that you want to study psychology. Are you studying a bachelor's degree at uni or elsewhere? I met a lot of people at uni who did psychology. My ex ended up going down the neuroscience route, but I have another friend who finished her clinical psychology masters last year. I'm at a bank now, but wondering whether to go back in a couple of years time. I did a couple of first year psych courses which were fascinating!

James