I'm new to recovery — what is this rage I'm experiencing?

[girlonsafari]

Hello community!

I recently spent 3 weeks in treatment for depression, anxiety and disordered eating and am now back home and am 'in recovery'. I have had a few relapses since being home (mostly around eating/food) and am generally finding recovery pretty hard. Every day is a struggle and while there are moments of joy, most days I feel sad and lonely. Some days I also feel hopeless. But the thing that has surprised me most is that I feel so much RAGE. Has anyone else experienced this? I have always been "in touch with my anger" but this rage is a whole new thing. I feel so angry so much of the time. I don't know where it is coming from or what I need to do with it.

Who else experiences this? What do you do about it?

Peace out x

[quirkywords]

Girlonsafari

Welcome to the forum.
Thanks for sharing your experience.

For many recovery is a long journey not a destination. You may experience many ups and downs and many mood swings.
I find I can be impatient and angry about little things but for mr it dies nt laser long.

How long do your rages last for.? Do you feel you can control yiur rages at all.

Do you rage at others or yourself.?
Thanks again for your post.

[girlonsafari]

I'm definitely getting angry at little things as well as big things. But I just feel angry about so many things — especially things that wouldn't have normally made me angry. I'm like a tinder box.

Sometimes when I lose my temper it's at myself, but it can also be at my partner, my work colleagues, friends. I'm not usually angry for long (not more than a day) but sometimes it can be a few hours.

And I guess I'm also feeling really angry about having to be in recovery in the first place — angry at having to work so hard at it, angry about the things I have to give up, angry at the things I'm supposed to do.

And no, I don't seem to have much control over it. It just wells up inside me and bursts out.

[amberlite]

Hay and firstly I love the name you chose! Up until a couple of weeks ago I had the amazing Rage you might be speaking of. It's a bit foggy but January was my "accident" then February was my "holiday" and late February I joined up here Looking for answers. I read a lot but then I happened on the stages of Grief! Anger being the 3 stage and most satisfying. So I've come to the point where I believe I am grieving the me/ego that I was before the psychiatric illness. It's all still very new, very hard and I know that I need to find a way of accepting what I find at the moment to be unacceptable." Adapt to survive " this is my motto and in my head I can hear David Attinborough saying it, sorry if that went over your head!!! I really hope something I posted helps you with your struggle, Please hang around on BB forums cause I did and it was a distraction, best wishes Amber

[girlonsafari]

Thanks Amber! That was really helpful.

I had never considered the stages of grief but it sounds promising. Was there a book or post that was particularly insightful?

I do feel like I'm grieving my old life and the old me— even if it was a me that was depressed and masking pain with food, it was still familiar and safe. This new me....well, she's just a ball of fear, pain and anger without the old coping mechanisms. Perhaps that's why the anger is coming up too.

I do love your David Attenborough saying.

Thanks and hope you're adapting and surviving well.

[Guest_206]

Hi there girlonsafari,

A few years ago I went into an in-patient unit for an eating disorder and yes during "recovery" I felt a lot of anger about the treatment. It was so so tough and every day was such a struggle. So yes, I hear you about the anger.

[Guest_206]

Hi girlonsafari, I forgot to say that you mention being sad and lonely which im so sorry to hear. I wonder, did you get discharged to any outpatient group? You definitely need all the support you can get when you're in recovery. If you haven't already, I would check out the Butterfly Foundation.

[girlonsafari]

Thanks Guest,

I will be doing the family program at my treatment centre and I am also starting to see a therapist. I haven't really found an outpatient program other than the ones the hospital runs and I can't seem to make them work with my job and work schedule. Have you had good experiences with outpatient programs? I tried Grow once but didn't find my people there. I felt like I was functioning at a much different level to those at Grow and couldn't connect with anyone.

I am also trying to go to OA meetings but I'll also check out The Butterfly Foundation.

Thanks x

[Guest_206]

Hi girlonsafari, yeah you definitely need to find your people when you find a group. For me, i guess i was lucky that i could go to the hospital outpatient program so I was with people who had all gone through in patient. Not everyone was "My people" but I connected with some, and that helped.
I suggest speaking with Butterfly about OA, you want to be sure you are accessing evidence based support. But in saying that, you've got to find the right fit for you.

That's awesome that you'll be doing the family program and will be starting to see a therapist.
X

[Guest_4643]

Hey girlonsafari, welcome. I like your profile picture.

I'm sorry you had to spend some time in/on a therapy, but good on you, well done. I hope it helped you, even just a little. If not, I'm sorry.

And yes, I think rage/anger would be common for those with mental illnesses, it is for me. I often get angry at even the slightest things.