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Hi, I'm glad to be here.
Hello, I am Black Forest. I am new to Beyond Blue. I did join quite a few weeks ago, but I haven't had a chance to do anything yet. But I am glad to meet everyone.
I am usually the person in the group of friends that everyone talks to. They talk to me about all of their problems, then after I've done everything I can to help them, they cast me aside, only speaking to me when they feel upset and/or have another problem. I feel like I'm the 'therapist' of the group, the therapist that listens to peoples' problems, and then has a meltdown days later, because I can't help them or make them happier. I am the kind of person that will trade my own happiness, for other people to be happy. Whenever someone tells me their problems, I am happy that they feel like they can trust me enough to open up to me. But that happiness is instantly replaced with panic. 'They trust me,' I would always think, 'But, if they trust me, then what would they do if I can't fix the problem? Would they hate me? Reject me? Replace me?' These are only a fraction of what races through my mind all at once.
Though I am glad to say, that I do have this one friend. She cares for me, understands me and never overwhelms me. She is the best and only friend I've ever had. She was the one that encouraged me to get this account.
I always try to do everything for everyone else, I felt like I should do something for myself, hence why I am speaking right now.
Hi Black Forest
Welcome to our community! We are glad we could witness your self-growth, and glad your caring friend got you here. What you feel is valid, and you're not alone in feeling 'used' or like you want more reciprocal friendships, especially when it comes to emotional labour and supporting people. We are a caring place and we help each other out as best we can. We are glad that you are doing something for yourself, which is an act of self-care and self-compassion. It doesn't mean you love your friends any less!
Hello Black Forest
Welcome to the forum. Does your name reflect how you feel? If so that's a pity. I have to say I like black forest cake, what about you?
It's great you are doing something for yourself instead of for others, especially when it is at your expense. May I ask, what do you expect from coming here? I am asking because I wonder if you are posting here in the same way your friends tell you their troubles. Sometimes it helps to realise what others want but also how much you can give. Here we don't tell you what to do but we do offer our own experiences and ways we have managed our various difficulties. It often helps to know there is more than one way to manage our lives and that it's OK to try different solutions.
You said, 'then has a meltdown days later, because I can't help them or make them happier' It is not your role to solve their problems or make them happy. People have to take responsibility for their own lives while asking for help on their own journeys. We can give you all sorts of ideas and activities that have worked for us individually, some of which may help you,. We cannot tell you what to do.
Please do not take this as a brush off. I am trying to compare your reasons for coming here to your other friends reasons for confiding in you. By the way, it is a compliment that they do feel safe confiding in you. If you tell them what to do and it works they will come to rely on you for answers. And if it does not work they will blame you. Neither is a good result.
By all means listen but let them make their own decision. If someone asks your opinion ask them what they want to do or happen, then ask how they can do this. Now you are probably laughing at me telling you what to do when I have just said people must make their own decisions. However this is not quite the same. It is a suggestion only and one way to help your friends decide what to do.
I see you feel a bit abused by these folk who only speak to you when they want something. That may well be the case but it may also be because they trust you and value what you say. You say you have a meltdown when you worry that you are not helping them. 'They trust me, I would always think, But, if they trust me, then what would they do if I can't fix the problem?' You can do nothing. Please remember it is up to each one to decide. It really is not your job. For your own peace of mind please remember this when someone unburdens themselves to you. That's OK but not your problem to solve.
Hey. Thank you guys so much. It means a lot. I don't really have much of anything else to say. Just, thank you.
helloooooo~ I'm Black Forest's friend! i wanted to thank you all for being supportive to my friend. she's been going through a tough time at the moment and we are trying our best to get through it together.
That was the friend I mentioned earlier - the one that encouraged me to get beyondblue, and supported me unconditionally. She just wanted to say a quick hello. She has her own beyondblue account too. Her username is Red_Velvet, that is the partial reason why my name is Black Forest.
But again, thank you guys, and l'm exited to join the BB family.
Hey Black Forest! Finally found your post.
But yes, Thank you all! If you want an insight about the kind of person I am, I flipped a eraser with yes and no written in either side, said rubber just rejected me and said it hated me and I almost cried while laughing. So Black Forest is in safe hands of the idiot known as me.
Our names are based of cakes! Because who doesn’t like cakes?
Hi Black Forest
Wow, so glad you and Red_Velvet could make it here, we are glad you can now both enjoy the forums and make great connections!
And I agree- red velvet cake is my fav!