Hi everyone. New member, would like advice

[SoaringHawk190]

Hi everyone. I am a new member here. I am a 26 yr old male living in Wollongong. I want to share my name but my situation was difficult so I would prefer not to. I would like to ask for advice regarding my situation.

I was in love with my ex-girlfriend of 2 and a half years. She broke up with me nine months ago. I treated her well, we went on dates, intimacy was amazing. However, 3 months in she hit me over the way I was washing dishes. Small discussions and small issues where I failed to do one thing out of the numerous she requested turned to vocal and physical abuse which shook me to my core.

Contemplated going to the police many times but I resigned as I would not have received any help. She is Australian and I am from another country. She kicked me out thrice out of the places we used to live in and I knew no one else but her for support. I am living somewhere else and am relieved and feel safe. Now, problem is I am scared of dating again, had many friends but now habe no one, though I am social and have no issues there. She contacts me from time to time, and due to crippling loneliness I am thinking of meeting her again but I should not. How do I move on? Also, I made many friends and never discriminate but have been discriminated against due to my nationality and people frequently asking why don't you make friends frlm your own country. I write this with a heavy heart, but I only have myself to rely on and be strong. Coming from a group culture, it is tough not having friends, especially when I know I have so much to offer. Also, I believed my girlfriend was the one and I feel broken and stuck with moving on. I would like to find a woman who is in love with me and I with her. Any advice on moving on is welcome.

Sorry for the really long post.

Tl;dr: ex gf abused me. No support group. Looking for a serious relationship but have the physical abuse in my mind. Need any advice that may help. Thank you for reading.

[Swan_13]

Hi Soaring Hawk,

Welcome to the BB forums - I'm glad you were able to share some details of your past relationship with us. It sounds like you’re struggling to adjust to what life looks like for you outside of this relationship. It sounds like you had plans to be with her long term and now that those plans are no longer, you feel lost and don’t know what the next steps are. I can imagine how upsetting this must be for you.

It seems like you feel hurt, let down and a bit scarred from the toxic end to the relationship, so I completely see why you’re afraid of dating again. Do you feel as though you’re ready to start dating again? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with giving yourself time before you do… Healing from a breakup takes time and that’s okay.

I hear you’re lonely and have thought about meeting up with her again because of that… It must be hard not giving in to that urge when she does message you from time to time, but I admire your courage and strength thus far. Have you spoken to her about no longer being in contact? You mention wanting to move on - sometimes setting those boundaries after a break up can be helpful.

Seeing that you've made friends in the past, can you reach out to any of these people at the moment? It seems like connecting with people is important to you.

[Sezi]

Soaring hawk I too have been in a similar situations, it isn’t easy and it hurts, it takes time and it’s ok to not be ok.

Setting boundaries is always a good thing. I myself ended up taking my ex to court for restraining order for dv. Didn’t want to but was urged by people in my life.

One way I dealt with it was I would go for long walks and think it all through and work out how I was feeling. By the time I got home I felt better and was in a better head space. I’m not saying it happened in one walk bc it didn’t. Perhaps walking would benefit you?

Reaching out isn’t easy especially when you are feeling alone. Perhaps reaching out to friends you have made might help you. Or your family.

I’m glad you are feeling safe where you are living now. Getting back into the dating scene, do you feel ready for it? If you are then take things slow with the person your dating. Dates in public areas until you feel comfortable with them before bringing them in your personal home environment might be one way to help reduce some of the anxiety.

Hope this helps

[SoaringHawk190]

Hi Swan,

Thank you for the welcome to the forums. I am thankful for your reply and advice. I do feel lost as I did have long term plans with her. She told me near the end of the relationship that after the first three months, the relationship ended in my mind. That hurt me a lot. Yes, I feel scarred and hurt from the toxic end to the relationship, however I am ready to start dating again. Found out she will be going to South America soon so I am really happy. One big issue is I can't seem to approach women anymore due to the effects of what she did to me. I can't seem to solve this. Thank you, I have to avoid meeting her as nothing good will come out of it. I don't want to contact her anymore and I am sure she won't contact me too so the boundary is set up without me doing anything. I don't have any friends who I can reach out to at the moment. They have their own issues as well. Hopefully, the future will be better. I am looking forward to it. Thank you so much for your advice.

[SoaringHawk190]

Hi Sezi. You are right. It hurts a lot and I am taking time by myself to heal. Having no one to ask advice from or to talk things through it was getting tough. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. How are you feeling? I hope that ex does not bother you anymore.

Setting boundaries is good and healthy. I am positive she will not contact me again due to travel and other commitments so I would like to date again, just finding it difficult to talk with any woman and open up. I am an extroverted and social person but these dv experiences make it very hard.

I walk a lot to travel to my workplace and back and I walk to university as well so it does help. Thank you for that. Most of my friends lost touch with me due to distance and busy lives so they can't catch up, let alone give me advice with this.

I will move places again in a month to a place with positive and fun people so am excited for that. Have moved on and her being away in another country soon also helps. I want to get back into the dating scene for a long term relationship but this is the main issue. I can't seem to approach a woman anywhere to even start a conversation.

No trust or anxiety issues tied with this. I think her yelling at me and hitting me is fresh in my mind. Hopefully, time heals it. Thank you for your response Sezi, really appreciate it.