Help with partners controlling adult daughter

[MM_]

Long term partner who lives away has a controlling adult daughter who does not approve me. We also haven’t been public with relationship due ex wife. She previously threatened her own safety and tried turn partners kids against him for years. He stayed until finally had enough and kids were grown. Ex wife is alcoholic who everyone is very careful not upset as threatens harm self in and out mental health and rehabilitation faculties for 10 years. Escalating now again. I was blamed for the marriage breakup and issues as other woman. Issues there prior to knowing partner she had drinking problem since teenager which was hidden until divorce. Was very controlling and abusive. We have spent years over 10 being careful so we don’t make situation worse. I finally had enough secrecy and asked partner tell daughter who is now saying if he sees me she will cut contact including grand child. We have loved each other for a very long time but went separate ways for years trying to not inflame situation.
I have always respected situation and kept private from all but very close family. Partner’s daughter only just been officially told that my partner wants move life on. Daughter saying if that me then she will never support this.

This is a brief overview of background. My partner is now questioning if we can ever be together as he doesn’t want to lose contact daughter and granddaughter which I can understand. I know he loves me deeply and torn being asked choose. No one ever says no to daughter including her father as cut off or punished by not talking for a time if challenged. her husband will go along with this to support his wife and not argue

I am seen as the cause of these family problems by daughter as mothers problems were hidden by all to protect her only other family members can see the bigger problems that are not my doing and support us

this relationship is everything to both us. We are very practical and stable otherwise and were planning a life together in future

my partner is very hurt by this on going turmoil and says he just wants peace

I don’t know what to do I need some impartial advise please I’m am very distressed as I would never want to be the cause more hurt.

i can’t bring myself to walk away due to the deep love we have. Thank you in advance 🙏

[mmMekitty]

Hi MM!

I want to welcome you to this forum.

It's such a difficult set of circumstances you find yourself living wih. Personally, I don't know where I would start.... except, from what you say, I think anything you do could easily be interpretted as you interfering in their family issues. So, I'm not sure you can do anything, but support your partner, if you two remain a couple. How your partner responds to the manipulative behaviours of others is for him to decide.

It would be very sad if daughter does not permit grandkids to enjoy time with your partner. Again, unfortunately, I don't think there is anything you can do about that.

For yourself, you can think about what is best for you. You are the only one in this who you can do anything for.

You might like to google 'Relationships Australia', who could help you & your partner with your relationship.

You are welcome to talk here as much as you like. & to participate in any thread.

All the best,

mmMekitty

[MM_]

Thank you for the reply. The controlling behaviour is a pattern that has gone back multiply generations in my partners ex wife’s family it is well known.

he says he wants try stop this and respectfully address with his daughter. However she is unwilling to. His ex wife is in the back ground threatening all and making things difficult.

I am tired of the situation also as it has been continuous for a very long time. My partner just gives in to his daughter to keep peace putting our relationship last. I have been supportive in every way.

i am worried that he will decide that he will end our relationship to avoid conflict. We are very good together apart from this problem. Our strong bond doesn’t happen often in life so the thought of giving up feels devastating.

[That Other Guy]

I would suggest that if his daughter forces him to choose, then he needs to be a parent, which means to not reward bad behaviour, and if he loves you, he won't walk away from you. I agree no one wants to be secretive, you're doing nothing to be ashamed of and should be free to live your lives together in peace. If any other players want to cause drama, it's your right together to cut them out until they stop acting that way. I'm sorry you're being put in a tough situation but it sounds like it's your partner and not you who has a choice to make.