Hello is a good place to start

[CaramelCrisp]

Hello. It's harder to know what to say after that. Well, my pronouns are she/her. That's usually the second thing in the circles I'm in. Well, I am here because for the past month/year/lifetime things have been feeling harder for me. But no, specifically since January. And of course I'm going to talk to my GP and such about things, this isn't therapy. But, when I need people more than ever I have lost people. Because I have been too much for them, and love hasn't been enough. And so, right now when I need anyone more than ever just to hear, and let me know that they care, I'm retreating because I feel like a burden.

So I want to talk to people. Not just about me and my problems of course, talking goes both ways. But yeah, I'm hoping here that I can do that. Maybe anonyminity will help.

So hello everyone

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hello is definitely a good place to start 🙂

Hello! Good to have you here. My pronouns are also she/her. I’m sorry that things have been hard for a while. It’s good to hear that you intend reaching out for help, as well as coming here.

Is there any particular reason you feel like a burden? I like to think that we all play the role of giver/taker at different times, and the ledger never really seems to get balanced, and that’s ok. You mention since January, more specifically… do you feel like sharing. Anonymity is great sometimes, and you’ve found yourself some good listeners here.

Hope to hear more from you, Katy

[geoff]

Hello CaramelCrisp, talking to your doctor will guide you into the right direction and can be used as a backstop and may prescribe any medication you need.

The people we thought were 'friends' seem to disappear and we lose contact with, only because if they have said something to try and help us hasn't worked, then they believe whatever they say will fail to make any difference or alternatively, they basically don't know how to handle this situation and then just go.

Here on this site, you are talking to people of all ages who have been through their own type of depression and this ranges extensively, so many people just read the comments, while others reply back to that person, we listen, support you and give you advice from our own experience.

It's also anonymous, no one knows who anybody is and should not be afraid to post a comment.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[CaramelCrisp]

Hi Katy, Hi Geoff. Thank you both for the kind replies

I feel that way because I feel now that I have only been taking. I know that what you say about not being able to balance it is true. But I did my best to be there for other people, and to not put too much on them on either side of that. Only, I think I was too much. The people who were there for me like no other disappeared for weeks, then came back to say they still want to know me but that it was all too much for them. And there's been a lot of drama in another friend group before that which I think I don't have the friends I spent the most time with and who I could talk to now. And that contributes to the feeling of being toxic if i get too close to people I guess. So I've found recently that despite trying to, I can't talk to people who are still there. And, confusingly, the person who took the step back in January says they still want to hear this stuff. I want to be able to talk to them again too. Need to find how to though.

Or at least that's partly while I feel this way. I am still figuring stuff out, its hard to see the source of problems some times. Or even notice the problem.

That makes sense. At the least, some of these people absolutely don't know what to do for me. That's definitely something they're struggling with. And I don't know if other people are people I can talk to again, but it would make sense if they feel they can't make a difference and have stepped back because of that.

Thanks again, that all helps to hear.

[yggdrasil]

Hi CaramalCrisp,

Thank you so much for posting on here! I'm he/him.

I think the pattern you've described with your friends is common. I've experienced it myself. Most people naturally want to help, but they usually don't have a realistic understanding of how to help, or whether their help will actually solve a person's problems. I suspect young people often believe themselves infinitely capable of loving and supporting other people. When they discover they fall short of this impossible standard, they feel guilty and confused. They can't accept the reality that they're not infinitely giving, and often need to put themselves first, emotionally and psychologically, to survive. It takes a long time for this reality to sink in. In the meantime, they provide erratic support, and set unclear boundaries with the people around them, making everyone worse off overall.

I believe we should carefully strategise how we seek support from different resources. I saw a psychologist fortnightly for many, many years, and I'm sure I will again in the future. If you haven't already, I'd strongly recomend talking to a GP you trust about a mental health care plan, which can provide up to 20 free sessions with a psych/social-worker per year. I believe professional supports are the primary place to talk about heavy meantal health issues. Professionals know how to set clear boundaries, so they can provide steady, regular support.

I think the secondary place is settings like this forum. It's a setting dedicated to these issues, so we all know what to expect wading in, and have complete control over when, and how frequently we engage. Similarly, there are in-person support groups, telephone counselling lines, online chats, and other semi-professional supports which can be a helpful supplement to professional supports.

Finally, there are friends, family and colleagues. I think this is where the most care is needed. These are the people we have the most contact with, and love the most, but this means discussion are usually highly emotionally charged, and mutually "triggering" for all involved. I believe we should generally aim to receive only occasional, light or indirect support from these people. We should focus on having fun with our friends. I think it's also crucial to have a lot of very "light" friendships/contacts, around things like a shared sport or other interest.

I hope this perspective is helpful to you in some way. Thanks again so much for posting on the forum 🙂

[CaramelCrisp]

Hi Yggdrasil, thanks for the welcome and for sharing your perspective.

Yeah, that makes sense. I guess they do want to give everything, always gave more than I asked. I didn't see the pain that was causing them, and now they have taken a step back and, boundaries are fun right now. Its hard, for all of us.

Yeah I have a GP I trust a lot, have a mental health care plan and see a psychologist. My appointments have been bi-monthly because I was doing better but maybe I need to see them more right now. I should have relied on that more than my friends, but I guess my friends felt like better listeners. I find it difficult to communicate things to professionals, sometimes I don't feel heard. And I've seen like three psychologists and this is the best one* so I don't want to go somewhere else yet, although the thought occurs. Maybe I can talk about things differently.

Lighter contacts good, I really wish things were lighter with some people. And there are some people I just share interests in. Guess I've felt conflict about not talking with them about this stuff, the desire to keep things light and the desire to not entirely bottle up stuff.

*like the second one said "you have problems but you have good grades, so youre fine and
goodbye forever", so maybe its partly internal that I feel dismissed but not
entirely.