Hello and Thank You! This is my depression story.

[MaybeNut]

Hi BB Community,

I turned to the forums today because I'm struggling with the old black dog again, in particular this morning. I've had depression since I was a teenager (only didn't realise that's what it was at the time). I was diagnosed and subsequently medicated and treated by a psychologist in my early 30s and in the last 8 years have learned a lot about how to tackle the darkness that lives in my head. I've had spells of illness and wellness in that time, as well as time on and off medication.

Recently I've noticed my thoughts trending negative with increasing frequency, and I'm at a point now where I am considering going back on medication and pursuing professional help again to get this under control. It's like an annoying rash that just keeps flaring up whenever life gets stressful or challenging. Time for some cream to soothe the itch!

This morning I was feeling extremely worthless and hopeless and couldn't stop the words "I hate myself" repeating like a skipping CD in my head. I kept thinking about how I could just disappear and noone would even notice I was gone. That my workplace and my bank would be the first who would raise the alarm and that's only because I have contractual agreements with them.

So I know these thoughts are a trick, they are an illusion created by the enemy that lives in my head, my internalised abuser that is trying to kill me. Depression is a manipulative, coercive, addictive serial killer. It tries to isolate you from your loved ones, to convince you that you have no value, that you're poisonous, and that others would be better off if you weren't here. It lies to you and gaslights you and blinds you from reality.

These forums are where you can clear the blinding fog and get a view of reality again. I dove into these threads and have been reading peoples stories and the warm supportive responses for most of the day. And I can say that I'm feeling a lot better for it, clearer, calmer. The broken record of self-hatred has quietened. The choking feeling of failure and inadequacy has passed. I feel understood, I feel like I'm not alone in this fight and I feel hope.

So thank you to all who have the courage to share what they are going through, and to those here who so lovingly and patiently support and give advice and understanding. You have made a positive difference in my life today, and I am very grateful. I'll be returning the favour by offering some kind words where I feel I can be helpful.

Keep fighting! - Rach

[Sophie_M]

Hi MaybeNut,

Welcome to the forums. We are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing your thoughts and feelings here with our wonderful community for the first time. You're absolutely right, that critical voice can be extremely distressing, cruel and stubborn, often popping up at times of stress and feeling under resourced. It’s good to hear that other people’s stories have given you comfort and strength. 

From your history, it sounds like you've had some counselling and developed some good coping mechanisms which great. As you may be aware, whilst you may have some amazing coping strategies it’s also good to reach out and have a chat to a counsellor especially on days like today where that critical voice is especially dark and dominant. For example, of course there is Lifeline which is available. You can call them 24/7 on 13 11 14, or chat with them online 7pm-midnight AEDT - https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/  Otherwise, speaking to trusted family or friends and not being alone is very important.
You’re right, it does take a lot of courage for people to reach out and share their experiences and it’s the same for you! So thanks for speaking up and over the next few days I’m sure lots of people from our community will officially welcome you too.

[Mrslaura311]

Hi Rach,

I’m currently being forced away by my husband, he is saying we separated but he’s just been diagnosed with severe depression. And I’m heartbroken and lost. We have 3 young kids and a newborn.

I don’t really know who to ask these questions so maybe you could answer them. It sounds like he’s in the same head space as you. Feeling worthless etc.

He won’t look at me, he’s avoiding me and saying he feels nothing towards me.
He gets home from work (fifo) and I have the house spotless, yard work all done, I appear to be okay (I’m not really) and all kids are healthy and happy.
would this make him feel worse? I feel like he feels not needed here.

If I was to write him a letter and say that he is very much needed, we love him and the things I miss about him, would that be helpful? Or would he not take it in? What can I do to make him feel loved and wanted?

I need him to know that I love him and I want my husband back. I have told him I’m not accepting the separation and I’m here for him, but he’s really not saying much else 😞

please give me hope things will get better.