FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

grieving alienated 20/F daughter

TRYIN2
Community Member

Hi there to anyone,believe it or not this is my first post ever on anything.

Im a 46/M.Havent seen or spoken to my daughter since she was 16 and I yelled at her {lost temper} on the phone.approx 5 years ago.

I get some info on how she is and what shes doing from my mother who talks to her every now and then.This gives me a lot of hope I have tried to contact her a few times .she has blocked me on her phone ,sent back her 18th birthday card and present and mom only said the other day she never asks about you.

I thought I had grieved my daughters loss a couple of years ago when I started bursting into tears often while driving,then researched online and realised what was happening,with Fathers day I have been upset a lot again this year and got really anxious and then got angry.

I tried to put on a brave face when she told me she I would never see her again but it seems to have caught up with me with time.I have read a lot on the net on alienated children {which im certain has played the most part }and adopted the advice to look after myself,keep busy working so if she did ever want to reconcile I could be there for her in the best capacity.At least ive tried to.

I have made a lot of mistakes but to cut off all together doesnt seem fair,I dont think I deserve that,but understand {from what ive read on the subject]I can only "leave the door open"and pray that one day she will want some reconciliation.

Im looking for a conversation with some people of similar experiences to help each other out a bit with mutual tips and advice and understanding.

When you get a bit older and realise how precious and short life is.Knowing how every day without her is a day lost forever and how it could be ok if we could just talk,I believe that just one step ,one conversation and it would be ok.

I my other main issue is Im of the firm belief that I was in a relationship with a narcasist type of person,and that person is in my daughters life now and was in her childhood.im not qualified to tell you what type and level.Definetely a level above the average joe though and that was thirteen years ago.I havent been able to want or have a serious relationship since.Again I have seeked solace and comfort on the internet,knowing youre not robinson cruso and gaining an understanding of the behavours really helped.

I was just wondering if the grief ever stops or will it often raise its ugly head?

Wow that feels good to write,should have done it a long time ago.

8 Replies 8

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello TRYING2, sometimes it's not easy to know what to do and what may work for someone may not for another person, so it's never a cut and dry solution and will vary for each situation.

I am really sorry to know that you have no contact with your daughter and at the age of 16 is a very unsteady period, not meaning anything more than the person is on the cusp of becoming an adult and have their own opinions that affect how they feel and sometimes are not easy to convince them to change.

Her grievance must have been devastating and feel so much for her and to relay your own feelings for her loss may or may not be accepted and very difficult to let her know at 16 how you are feeling yourself because it's not easy to explain to her your sorrow that she can accept.

When this happened after my divorce and one of my sons would not take my calls or if he did, it was an aloof conversation, so instead, I decided to front up to where he was living, as he rented with other people I knew and slowly the connection once again was formed, now he lives a couple of streets away and sees me every day.

This may not happen all of a sudden but take it slowly and you need to remind yourself that you were in a relationship with a narcissist type of person and you don't know what she's been told.

Please get back when you are able to.

Geoff.

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

I'm happy you've reached out. Geoff our veteran has responded as he does with much empathy.

I have a lot in common with you. Briefly, my eldest daughter I'm close to and came to live with me at 12yo. My younger one began to reject me for unknown reasons but everything points to me being demonised by her mother. She also has adopted her mothers narcissistic ways which, led me to my only suicide attempt one week prior to me leaving the family home in 1996. Heavy times.

A

Later, as a dad I tried everything. I paid $15,000 over and above child support to get her jaw and teeth realigned to give her a million dollar smile. Always had her for visitations etc. So when she was about 15yo onwards she held the cards, visited me about every 2-3 years with promises to kick start our relationship. That pledge lasted about 2 weeks then- nothing, the silent ways of narcissism like her mum. I felt used. That continued until 2 years ago (her 25yo) when she messaged me and we tried again, again 10 days later- gone!. She would never give me her address nor phone number- always through Facebook then block me. Blocked again that was the end for me and I decided to block her to protect myself from this terrible treatment. Family members had to observe my torture over the years so I decided to move on.

Move on? You never do. Like your daughter mine will one day realise the hurt they have inflicted. Until then you are powerless. So what are the quasi solutions? There is some.

A few generations ago abandoned or unloved children or from toxic homes were often shuffled around to other families. So, I got the idea that rather than keep my love and care for her on the day she returned, I would embrace other children, even adults that needed love for I have a lot to give out.

Since then around 2008 onwards, I've bonded with my MIL's foster son that has autism, a 11yo boy nearby us that likes getting his bicycle fixed (and will soon enjoy my new racing car slot set) that has no dad and my wife's auntie that is a reformed alcoholic that needed a second chance with family that she burnt bridges with.

None of these people can replace my lost daughter. As you say "I dont deserve such treatment". What you do deserve is conversation and fairness. If you dont get the basics of that then you have no control over your situation.

ADORED

I offer my olive branch

To her with that stance

My tea pot with love I poured

Now it sipped by those adored...

TonyWK

TRYIN2
Community Member

Thankyou for youre reply geoff,It means a great deal to me.

How awesome you know youre son,that positivity really helps.

I can relate to the aloof phone calls ,one word answers and snickering in the background were a common thing for me,basic disrespect that was obviously being encouraged and supported.You hit it on the head and I think that is great advice for anyone that can do,to have fronted up.I knew It was happening but didnt understand at the time,being the bloke I am I didnt talk to anyone or confide in anyone,a general problem for me.I just felt helpless and it pushed me away from my daughter.

I had been educated not to bag the other parent out ,and to my knowledge I never did that.Saying I lost my temper must conjure up many notions,I can say I have never sworn at or around my daughter but I did really yell at her.Just sayin Im not all bad.I tried my best whever I had contact.That was pretty well thrown back in my face too.The horrible text message that was sent by her that got me angry was her expressing herself,Instead of seeing It as an opportunity to connect on a deeper level and resolve any or all issues she had with me I reacted angrily.It took me by surprise,was completely out of context to the conversation,was hurtful and nasty.And most of all It was obvious she was repeating what someone esle{people} had said about me to her.It was like I went back and was talking to the narcassistic x,It triggered me.But I dont believe Its her fault in any way,she was just expressing her self maybe looking for answers

So my lack of emotional intelligence has basically seriously effected my relationship with her

If only I could have those few minutes over again

Then your advise on fronting up,I didnt, I tried too call her bluff.Another realisation I should have got in the car and driven there the next day and fronted up.I ackoledge that this my fault,her mom may not have helped the situation but I could have made more of an effort I think I need help with is the anger I have yelled at people over the years every now and then ,and gone over the top so to speak.

I want to acknowledge her 21st?I dont want her to resent me If I dont in some way.The lockdown is really getting me thinking about things,I would be normally not thinling about.I want,something positive to come of this and look forward to any replies of constructive criticism.

thanks again geoff

tryin2

Thankyou so much white knight,

What you said has really helped,same as geoff.I feel a lot better.

Ive been thinking about sponsoring a child through the Smith family for a while now,but havent taken the plunge.So I know what youre talking about and I think It might be a good thing for me.As well as dropping the defensive walls I have had up for so long.

I think what I have been doing is taking a colder approach to everyone in my life,maybe acting out how ive been treated,trying to be insensitive to what im really feeling,im not sure about that its just a theory.

Its comforting to know youre not alone.The money thing,I was generous in the begining{I was never with her mother in a serious relationship}but then felt the same as you white knight.That is your just used for money.

I appreciate youre compassion,Im curious was anger an issue for you.I think and I would like to work on this as It was the thing that drove her away on my side.I want to work on it.I will try and read forums relating to it but do you think I would need professional help for this?

Thanks for your kindness again It means the world to me.I have to go to bed now.

TRYIN2

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello TRYIN2, and thanks Tony for your support, much appreciated as usual.

You should be entitled to have your say and not for your daughter to believe everything that her mother says, that's not fair, and if you can prepare yourself for what you believe your partner would have said to your daughter, then you'll have an answer to counter attack what was said, but keeping your cool is imperative here because if any agreement starts then, you will lose her, and we know that's definitely not what you want.

Under that protection shield your daughter holds up, there will be a few cracks that will enable you to break through, what these are you may already know, so gently start to concentrate on breaking open these cracks, in a small way to begin with, and you love her, there is no doubt about that, and please remember that all of us make comments that we know we shouldn't say at that particular time, but we can apologise and make good.

Don't forget that you're not sure what your partner was feeding her when this happened, but it's trying to convince her what is the truth and not what she has been told, because in the end the proof will be in the pudding, made up stories have no validity.

We really hope for you this comes true and please keep in contact with us.

Geoff.

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Anger? yes every parent gets angry. The range of that anger goes from seconds of keeping it in to total all out revenge in a criminal sense. For your daughter such outburst from you raises possibilites-

  • That you exceeded her boundaries of toleration (which might be much lower than average)
  • That she is using her estrangement as a weapon
  • That she has a low level of care for you for any reason
  • That she has wanted to break away for some time and your outburst was the catalyst for her action
  • Other reasons

I got angry also. Anger is not verbal abuse until it reaches a certain level eg is often, humiliating, filled with false allegations, etc. However we are dealing with humans and those boundaries of what is abuse is- rubbery. What is abuse to her might not be to many other people. There could well be an element of ultra sensitivity in her. 20% of the worlds population has USP (ultra sensitive people) syndrome. If this is the case then she might realise it over time especially if she shares her experience with others her age. My main thrust is - yes you likely owe her that apology but disowning you can also be over the top and her behaviour seems unfair.

You can send her cards with little content. They might trigger some inner feelings. You can attend an appointment with Relationships Australia (1300 364 277) even if she wont attend. A counselor again if she wont attend (then the counseling sessions purpose is to assist in the coping of the problem rather than solving it).

You have obviously thought about diversion and spreading your love to others that will be more grateful (Smith family). You will know when that time is right.

One last thing. My eldest daughter has nothing to do with her birth mother and sister. Her clarity is astounding, her resolve permanent. She has adopted my wife of 10 years as her "mum" but she has known her all her life. She once told me many years ago that "some people never fill our basic expectations of treatment of us and the more you pursue them for a relationship the more heartache you will have". This torture you are experiencing TRYIN2 is not unusual, it's surprising how many parents and grandparents live it. But there is a limit. In my case my youngest exceeded that limit. Yes, I'll always feel the loss but it's minimalised due to my own boundaries.

If she knocked on my door I'd share a cuppa. Then let her go- why? because I would feel better than if I turned her away. Self protection, it on my terms now.

TonyWK

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

TRYIN2

Thanks for reaching out with your honesty.

Geoff and Tony have given very help suggestions.

I have learnt from everyone's posts. Thanks.

Hi there Geoff and TonyWK,

Wise words I believe ,hard to read but I think your right,its probably all of the above reasons.

I had written her an apology via social media,few years ago with no reply.

Wow 20% thats a lot I havent heard of USP before.I will research it,wont be surprized to know If I have It.

Yourself and geoff have really helped.A step closer to accepting what Is reality.

Thanks for the Phone number I will try that,I didnt know about it.Suggesting giving my love to others is a wakeup to me,I did do that but have lost my way in recent times.About time for an attitude change.

I know you two have had your own pain from what you expressed to me and what a wonderful thing to be able to help those who need it.Its so important,you have certainly helped me.

I hope to contact again in the future with some good news