I suffer from depression and anxiety, I have for about 10 years! I have been on and off medication during this time, I constantly seek medical help etc.. I have a daughter and she is literally my lifeline, she keeps me alive! I am a great Mum! But when she is at her Dad's I become a different person I don't want to get out of bed, I want to drink alcohol I just don't care about anything! It is like I have 2 different personalities! I have Mum personality where I function as a normal human being doing everything right, but then when I am not responsible for a child I do the bare minimum and this isn't because I need the break I have a great kid, its like a feeling of loss even though I know she will come home! It is so hard to explain! I am also the rock for my friends who go through a lot. I feel selfish for not answering phone calls so it stops me for calling my friends when I feel I need help! I so lost I want to be better and do better but I feel like nothing works!
I feel so broken!
Hello MemyselfandI, can we offer you a warm welcome.
From what you have told us, I'm sure you are a great mum and you definitely love your daughter, who also does for you, but I mistakenly thought alcohol would solve my problems, I was wrong, it was one reason why my wife divorced me, along with having depression.
I can't see 2 mums here, although I'm not a qualified doctor to say, but suggest that pretending to be sort of OK when your daughter is with you, only means that perhaps when she is with her dad you can relax and do nothing as well as not answering the phone.
You have mentioned seeking medical help, so can I ask you whether this means taking medication and/or counselling and one possibility is that if you aren't happy with your doctor then you can see another one, who may provide solutions for you, but would like to hear back from you.
It sounds as though it has been a challenging decade but it's great to hear you have a daughter that is such a positive part of your life. I understand what you are saying about your motivation being so low when your daughter is not with you. I also have moments of low motivation when I can't be with my kids. Due to Covid, it has been rather large gaps. Our situations may be different but one way I help myself stay motivated is to do things around me still for my kids that I know they will appreciate once they come over. An example is redecorating their room, setting up games, or even gardening activities. Sounds like you are an amazing mum and just keeping it together for when she is there.
Friends are hard to come by, but we need to evaluate some times the people in our lives and see if they are loading more pressure on us. Sometimes we just need a break from 'Energy Vampires' as I call them.
Hopefully you feel better soon. You are not broken, just needing some support.
You're very welcome here.
I can't image how hard it is for you, but I believe there're friends here with similar experience. You're an amazing Mum and you need to give yourself love and care as you do to your daughter. I know it's very hard to make change when you're already exhausted, why not start with very little things, such as make yourself a morning tea, take a short walk......
It might also be helpful if you have a peer support worker or attend a peer group. Only people with similar experience can really understand your feeling. You'll get inspiration and strong emotional support from them.
You will be better.