Feeling a little lost...

[Normm]

Hey all,
Not sure what I expect from here but thought it worth a shot.

I live alone and have no friends and am finding being in lock down and not seeing or speaking to anyone for days on end is really getting me down.

I'm a 54 year old shy introvert, who has always had trouble keeping friends. They always seem to just use me to get what they want and then I never hear from them again.
Never had a real girlfriend as I was hurt so often in my youth that it was just easier to give up but really need someone to share my life with.
I've tried dating apps for the last 18 months and been on three dates but never get to a second. The last lady was keen on the second date but after she had cancelled the night before on three occasions I gave up on her as it hurt every time she cancelled when I was so looking forward to meeting her again.
I think what's getting to me now is I had a neighbour who would visit me daily as soon as I'd get home from work and we would spend the nights watching TV. I thought I'd found 'the one' and was so happy for a little while there.
Things didn't work out romantically though as we each discovered the others age. I look younger than my 54 years (I was actually 53 when we met) and she looked older than her age (she's 29)
I thought she was in her mid 30's and she thought I was in my mid 40s so I just had to be content to be happy to have as my only friend outside of work.

Now that she has moved interstate (luckily moved a week before these lock downs), she seems too busy to reply to my texts or phone calls. She has lots of friends her own age so I don't expect to be a priority but it still hurts.
Maybe it's best I just forget all about her.

So basically, I'm not sure how to get out of this rut. Always have negative thoughts, always thought of myself as an outsider just watching everyone else enjoy life and don't feel like I fit in anywhere. Finding it very hard to eat and sleep, always feel sick in the stomach and just basically terribly lonely and feel like crying sometimes. What a man 🙂

Thanks for spending the time to read and I'm open to suggestions.

[UltimaMic]

Hiya Norm,

Yeah I know how you feel! Outsider is the right word alright! It is hard to make friends in this world - its even harder when you are shy and introverted. The world is becoming a busier place and people just seem to busy for connection - and people wonder why mental health in society is declining so rapidly. I would call myself a shy introverted person and I cannot stand people who put on that mask of toxic positivity. I do not mind happy people but especially in the working world the amount of fake charm and happy mask wearing really gets to me.

Hey, you are human as well as being a man - you are allowed to feel emotions - cry if you need to, its normal to feel rejection and down for a time. But its not normal to keep feeling down.

First off you mentioned you "always have negative thoughts" is this a chronic thing? or something that has been a result of that recent loss of connection? The reason I ask is that if it is a chronic thing this may be an undiagnosed mental health condition (depression) and you may want to see your GP about it. (The reason I suggest this is because I was feeling low for over 10-15 years before getting medication and help which has helped to balance my mood and anxiety).

Over time I can count the number of real friends I have on one hand. (thats including family friends). All that fake friends I have lost due to me distancing myself from them and vice versa!

There is no easy answer to making friends for introverts except exposure in some way to society - this can happen through shared passions, community groups and work. At least you gave dating platforms a go. They can be useful in some respects - you should pat yourself on the back for going on the dates you went on that takes courage in itself!

You sound like a decent human being - we need more of those in the world - sensitive and thoughtful. Have you thought about getting involved in community activities - volunteering in some way? These volunteering opportunities can expose us to different community members and different people. There are also clubs and societies to get involved in. I pushed myself and got involved in Toastmasters for a time - it was to help me get more confidence, although I did not get involved in competitions etc I just found it good to engage with the community in someway.

I hope by being on these forums you feel less alone - keep reaching out 🙂

[Hanna3]

Hi Normm and welcome to BB!

Loneliness and social isolation are common problems here on Beyond Blue. I'm sorry you're feeling so alone and that bullying and bad experiences in the past have made things worse for you. Quiet people are so often misunderstood and introversion is mistaken for rudeness sometimes. I know that's happened to me.

Speaking as another introvert I think it's true that we don't need many friends just a few people that we can truly connect with!

Finding them is the tricky part!

Have you got any interests where you can meet like minded people? Shy or introverted people are often more comfortable when they can talk about subjects they're knowledgeable about and interested in. Small talk isn't our thing!

I wouldn't have thought that age difference with your neighbour was a big deal if you both enjoyed each other's company.

I hope you can find some support and online company at least on the forums here!

Welcome again and I hope others may be able to find some suggestions that might be of help. Cheers! 🙂

[Normm]

Thanks for the kind words UltimaMic.

Being a loner and having no friends (and not understanding why) has been my whole life. Looking through Facebook pages of my school group, I see photos of parties that my school mates had I never knew existed as I was never invited at the time. That sort of things makes you wonder.

After what happened with my neighbour and how down I felt afterwards, I promised myself that 2021 would be my year. I put all negative thoughts of the past behind me and just wanted concentrate on the wonderful future ahead of me. That lasted six months and I was was fairly content going on 20km hikes every weekend on my own but always wished I had company to enjoy the beautiful views with.

It's just really been the last couple of months that the negative thoughts (I'm not good enough, nobody wants to know me, I'll never be loved etc) have come back. I think I'm just taking losing my only friend harder than I want to admit to myself. I want her to be happy and enjoy herself. She has her whole life ahead of her and I'm thrilled for her, just sad I can't be part of that. (To put it in context, she's from Nepal on a student visa, so most of her friends are her own age and culture).

Anyway, I'll have a think about seeing a doctor but I'm very proud and find it extremally difficult asking for help. I'm a giver, not a taker. I've never wanted to have to have drugs to make me feel better, just suck it up and live with things. Maybe I need to change that attitude and put up the white flag...

I've thought about joining a bushwalking club or something but I'm so used to being on my own and being an introvert it can be tiring surrounded by people.

So yeah, I know what I need to do (get out of my comfort zone, like I did on those dates), but knowing what you need to do and actually doing it are two different things.

I'm sure I'll be fine in the end but have been extremely down these last few weeks. I suppose one good thing is I'm losing weight by not eating so it will make those up hill climbs easier when hiking again 🤨

[Normm]

Thanks for the welcome Hanna.

Yeah, as an introvert, generally being on my own has not bothered me. I would have loved to have found someone to love had some kids but made do spoiling my nieces and nephews instead.

As for the age difference with my friend, it was just too many years apart. If I were 10 years younger things may have been different but I care for her so much I want her to find someone her own age to build a life and have kids with etc. I'd just hold her back. I think I'm actually a year older than her mother so it would have just been too weird 😉

I love my hiking (the longer and further from actual roads the better), so if the universe is kind, maybe I'll find a nice lady who also enjoys taking a few risks and just getting out there in the middle of nowhere.. Just finding her has been the challenge.

Hopefully I can find some inspiration on here to get me back on my feet (in more ways than one)...

Thanks 😊

[Hanna3]

Hi again Normm!

Bushwalking is a great activity for us introverts as everyone is busy walking outdoors! It was through Bushwalking that I met my first boyfriend! Definitely give it a go!

I have made good friends through playing music - it seems to attract introvert people and we can talk about a shared interest.

Covid is making everything harder and making friends as you get older I find is really tough. People are all in couples and I find the women all want to talk about their kids and grandchildren! Pretty dull when you're single like I am!

I can really empathise with your situation I had a lot of bullying when I was younger due to being too quiet. Beats me why that worries people so much. The friend I've made in music is also introvert and suffered the same thing.

It only takes finding one or two people to make a difference. Hang in there. A shame about that nice neighbour but very decent of you to care about her.

I hope you can explore some of the forums like the Cafe etc and get some support and friendship here!

Happy to chat. Cheers!

[Normm]

Thanks Hanna,

I'll give it a go. Forums seem to be all I have at the moment although working from home on the PC all day, sometimes it's an effort. My work suggests do an online course to take my mind off things but sometimes you just want to get away from the PC. Eight hours a day is already enough 😉

I'll have to try find some of those forums you mention. I've been a tech head since getting my first computer in 1983 (maybe that's my problem 😂) so only generally jump on the tech forums.

Thanks and stay safe Hanna 😊

[Hanna3]

Hi Normm

I meat the forums here on Beyond Blue here. Sorry if I didn't make myself clear. You can get to know people through the different threads. You might have had enough time sitting at a computer however!

Nice talking with you. Cheers 😊

[Normm]

Thanks for the clarification Hanna, I'll check them out 🙏