Bullied in school & at work for the past 50 years

[Wandering_Soul]

It is difficult to think of a time when people are not taking advantage of my kind nature.

I may be called a gentle giant in school, but I have been made to feel isolated by teachers and students alike.

It started off when I was mischievous in class and I was caned and disciplined.
One fine day, dad was called in because I was caught glaring at the teacher after a severe taunting episode by her in front of the class. I was in Primary year 1.

Something changed in me that day. I became very quiet in class.

I had blocked out some memories, but apparently, I injured myself too at the school playground and teacher asked the students to avoid me.

The bullying never stopped after that.

Fast forward to today, I was an past accomplished expert in a narrow field of speciality in information technology where my projects were recognised by peers.

But today, I am jobless, there are not enough work in my speciality field because technology has moved on, in despair over my situation and isolated from families.
I have never felt a part of society. I am afraid of making friends who may take advantage of me. Yet, I craved for company.
I experienced panic attacks and cry everyday not knowing if I will get through the day alive.
I am in debt, I have no money for medication. No future.
I am sinking into homelessness as my savings run out and I need to totally depending on Newstart.
I woke up this cold morning and there was this deep deep sadness inside me as I scanned though a past life when I felt safe and happy.
I joined this forum to keep me alive.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome.

I certainly hope my words will keep you with us. Now lets take a breath and begin. Relax. It's all going to be ok.

I don't know your gender and that does have a little bearing on my suggestions.

I and some of our other Champions here have felt the brunt of bullying. The fact is, its a challenging society, always has been where the strongest survive in it. If we are soft or kind we are either bullied out of society or we develop means by which to defend ourselves by means of our own aggression which is usually unnatural.

So a few decades ago when my innocence and honesty in a law enforcements position tested my ethics I refused to be corrupted and fought back so much so it affected my mental health and my family unit. I had to find other ways. I mention this as in your situation you have posted here looking for other ways to counter your run of bad luck.

My therapist though found I had some input into my predicaments that could have avoided all that hurt. He highlighted that although one can be ethical one should also realise that you cannot be black and white in a grey world- you wont fit in. Another way of saying- "all people have a little corruption in them so get some and you'll survive better". We can be too righteous. The other thing he taught me was "Tony, when are you going to stop saving the world"? in reference to my "whiteknight mentality". It meant trying to fix everything. So we can point the finger legitimately but we should also acknowledge our faults. It helps us in the long run. It doesn't excuse bullying though

to be continued

[white knight]

I'd like to comment on a few things-
But today, I am jobless, there are not enough work in my speciality field because technology has moved on, in despair over my situation and isolated from families. Any job will boost your self esteem and fix money issues. Your job was your comfort zone, best to accept that we need to get diverse to survive. Many tradies end up working in the mines etc. A shift in thought patterns is the key here. Easier said than done but worth considering.

I have never felt a part of society. I am afraid of making friends who may take advantage of me. Yet, I craved for company. please read the first posts of https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-survival and https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/fortress-of-survival-part-2

I experienced panic attacks and cry everyday not knowing if I will get through the day alive. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it

I am in debt, I have no money for medication. No future. The worst case scenario is bankruptcy. Not a big deal nor uncommon nowadays. You wouldn't be alone in that. In fact there are around 27,000 per year.

I am sinking into homelessness as my savings run out and I need to totally depending on Newstart. Many do. Focus on what you have not what you no longer have. Consider alternative accomodation like a caravan in someones backyard etc Google Maharaji youtube sunset and youtube maharaji the perfect instrument (he has many more to listen to.

I woke up this cold morning and there was this deep deep sadness inside me as I scanned though a past life when I felt safe and happy. Nothing is guaranteed in life. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/seesaw-of-acceptance

I joined this forum to keep me alive. Great. I'm here. So are others. Let's talk. Any subject. Would that help? Simply type. And your comments on the links if you feel like you want to. I'm here usually daily.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/want-to-be-a-hermit-

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/worry-worry-worry

TonyWK

[Wandering_Soul]

Thanks

I am increasingly "grey" in the "grey" world. That creates depression because of the guilt of being grey and anxiety on being found out. Esp when I have strong views on getting the job done right with due diligence and shut an eye when they are not.

My moral compass is affecting my wellbeing when I started compromising and often wonder where lies covering lies will end up.
Eg negligence and incompetency result in future worse outcome and suffering.

I kept reminding myself that Even though people want to know the truth, they hate the people telling the truth about them.

I guess I just have to take it easy.