It appears that I find myself once again reaching out in time of need. Anxiety and self doubt plagues me during the night and I wake to overwhelming feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. My emotions churning at the base of my throat and on the brink of tears. You see, I self loathe. Even in my 60’s and a Grandparent I am unable to shake the feeling of worthlessness. Divorce many a moons a-go, left me ostracised by my Ex’s family. A family I tried for many years to prove my worthiness, and tried to adopt, where I had none. I just wanted to be loved and have a family I can be apart of. Yet due to my Ex marrying outside of his race, I was always reminded my acceptance was purely to please a cherished Son and I was to behave as a good wife! At that time, I was a broken physically abused teenager, wanting out from a horrible home existence, who foolishly and naively married to get away from Hell. Only to jump back in.
I was made to stay home and as a result had no career or made outside lasting friendships. Marriage over, children have grown, and have a family and I still find myself without a career or the skill set to making friends.
My children see their father near each week, I only once every 3 months or so. I take it that I cannot offer them anything they need like Networking, people in the know, etc. I don’t have connections they can use in the outside world. I am useless and pathetic.
Boredom kills me, I have way too much time on hand to think. I’ve studied over the years, gained my degrees or certificates but due to circumstances beyond my control ( yes the Ex after 12 yrs still has my finances under his control) I am unable to work.
I hate myself and ever single time I fight to move forward, make friends, join groups, I get no where. Whatever little friends I have rarely call because their priorities have changed. I am invisible, worthless and have no value and it hurts so much. So very much.
Thank you so much for your openness and strength in sharing this here. We can hear you're in a lot of pain, and feeling incredibly isolated and lost. We're so sorry to hear you're feeling this way, and that you've dealt with abuse, and are currently dealing with financial abuse.
We’d recommend reaching out to 1800RESPECT to get support with some of the things you mention. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 and they also have webchat here. They are experts in supporting people who are experiencing abuse and will listen in a kind, understanding and non-judgmental way.
Stagnated, you are not worthless, we're so sorry that you've ever been made to feel that way. You deserve so much more. Please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online, here.
Please know that we care about your wellbeing. If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).
We’re sure we’ll hear from our lovely, supportive community soon. In the meantime, here’s a few things you might like to look at:
- Blue Knot’s advice on self-care for survivors of trauma and abuse
- 1800 RESPECT’s advice on financial abuse
- It's really important to be kind to yourself through this, so there's some tips for practicing self-care here.
We are here to support you and you are not alone. Thank you so much for sharing here.
Please feel free to share a bit more and let us know what is going on for you, and what might help, if you feel comfortable.
Firstly I just want to say I am really sorry to hear you're hurting so much right now and that you've endured so much hardship over your life. I can feel the pain in your words and it's not something anyone deserves to feel.
I think you seem incredibly self-aware, and should be proud of the fact you've taken the step to open up here about what you're going through and seek support.
A couple of things came to mind for me when I read your post...
1. Would you consider seeking some professional support from a counsellor or psychologist? To work through how you're feeling and get some help for how to rebuild your self esteem and find some more joy in your life.
2. If you're unable to work, have you considered doing some volunteering? This is a great way to connect to people and find fulfilment. It's also proven to really help mental wellbeing!
I hope something here helps, let us know how you're getting on when you can.
It's true, the long waits for counsellors/mental health professionals are wide spread right now, so you certainly are not alone in this plight. Perhaps you might consider expanding your search to and try booking in with someone new instead? Even if they are not in your local area, many psychs also offer virtual sessions, which are great. I've been doing virtual sessions on Zoom for over 2 years and have made great progress and found it comforting to talk in the privacy of my own home. On this website under Service Providers, you can search for specialists based on location and billing method: www.healthdirect.gov.au/australian-health-services
That's great you have put yourself down for volunteer work with the hospitals and aged care facilities, hopefully they will give you a call soon. In the meantime, what about joining a workout group or book club in your local area?
I'm sorry to hear your friend didn't visit you while they were in town, that doesn't feel good to know and you do not deserve that.
I am sensing from your posts that you are feeling alone and low on yourself so I think a positive step you can do right now is work on your relationship with yourself. As at the end of the day, this is the most important relationship of all. Small actions can accumulate to make a significant difference. Have you tried a gratitude journal? Everyday sit down for 5-10 minutes to write a list of all the things you are grateful for in your life. It can be as small as sunshine or warm cups of tea. Just do you best and dig deep for positivity. This helps to train our brain to think of fond things in our lives and can ultimately improve our outlook and mood. There's even a thread on the forums called 3 Things To Be Thankful For Today, where many of us note a few good things regularly. It's a lovely habit to form.
Let us know how you're going soon, when you can. Thinking of you.
Once again Thank you Banksy92
I will try a gratitude journal. My biggest blow was my house being robbed. What ever little possessions I had, was taken. They were to be passed down to my children, I have so little of mine to give and I was never given anything by my mother, even though all other siblings received with love. Reality hit, my neighbours feigned ignorance and never heard my window being smashed in and never saw two men running out of my house in broad daylight carrying my possessions. Yet over the years, those very same neighbours relied on me when they needed help.
I feel like I no longer fit into today's society. That my old fashioned values, morals and humanity are lost and no longer applicable. I am a rescuer at my detriment. The friends I chose long ago, was based on a falsehood. That the foundations laid were not that strong or honest. I am a social introvert, fear at best, governs my life.
Fear of failure, ridicule and perhaps I am boring or quiet when uncertain. Listening and engaging are my attributes, I fail at intelligence. Fear can not prevent our eventual demise, but it stops me from living. I don't know whether my self loathing was taught or I was born with a glitch in my matrix. I was certainly fearful of making mistakes as severe punishment would follow. My childhood was living with constant fear. I admonished myself for making mistakes as I felt I had either let my parents down or suffered as a consequence.
Education strengthens my mind, but fear holds me back. I see myself as a failure, anxious and unable to picture my future. I have only myself to rely on and loneliness is my biggest nemesis. I must sound like a right loser. Honestly don't know how much longer I can continue to fight this and start living my dream.
I'm awfully sorry to hear your house was robbed and that you weren't supported by those in your community. What a terrible thing to go through.
It sounds as though you are really struggling with a fear and anxiety which is holding you back from connecting with others and building new relationships. I think many of us (especially us introverts) can relate to this. A fear of rejection, or a fear of having nothing of value to share. I battle with this internal dialogue often. Yet still crave human connection.
Perhaps you could have a chat with your GP with how you are feeling and see if there are other options to traditional counselling you could try in the mean time while you wait for an appointment?
I agree with you that education is strength, in fact it's been my saviour through some of my hardest times. Have you considered doing any courses or certificates in an area you're interested in? It could be a welcome way to connect with something and give you some purpose. It could be done online or in person, or both these days!
Thank you Banksy 92
Your advice is constructive and helpful.
I am my own worst enemy. Constantly feeling my good nature is being used by others and hardly reciprocated.
No longer chasing people in order to feel I am important or to try and prove to them that I am.
I am no longer seen as family on my Ex’s side and struggling to maintain relations with my siblings. I’ve lost friends and I have very very few people I socialise with. In fact, I have no social life. My phone hardly rings and I am so lost and bored.
There’s no substance to my life. I am socially poor and of no use or value to others.
I feel, I am living in a disconnected world. Desensitised and where decent attributes are seen as weakness and behaviour that goes against acceptability, is glorified by Media and some social outlets.
I am lost in a world where volunteering is such a process in acceptance, that I can longer be bothered putting myself through the arduous process. Or there’s an over abundance of volunteers, that I am rejected.
I can not fight my way out of hopelessness. I scream inwardly most days and rage inside to break free.
For me, I truly loathe myself and realise it’s me and my inability to project or attract, only achieving to deflect and that’s why I am friendless. People and family avoid me.
And rightly so.
My heart is not healthy and giving up, let’s hope it’s sooner rather than later.
We hope you don't mind us popping in. We just wanted to let you know our Support Service is always here, as we can hear you're feeling really disconnected and finding it hard to see a way through.
We've reached out to you privately to offer our support, and you can reach us directly on 1300 22 4636. It's not easy to share what's going on, but we think you're openness here is really powerful. Thank you for sharing this.