An introduction of sorts

[AmethystWolf]

Hi all,

Don't really know where to begin honestly, just know I want to reach out. I'm 36 years old & about 2/3 years ago I was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder & moderate to severe depression. I spent time in therapy, progressed well (so I thought) but lately it feels like the black dog has me firmly by the throat.

Actually, feels like I'm dancing the edge of burnout. I work as a bartender/waitress & while it is a full on job I don't feel like its the type of job that would be associated with burnout, most of the time I really enjoy my job. I love the people I work with, the managers are lenient & fair, the pay is pretty decent & I'm good at it. At the moment though I feel like the smallest things are irrationally irritating me. Like inducing rage reactions. On top of work my husband & I are trying to find a new rental home in a town that has next to no available (or within budget) rentals. But it feels like he has done absolutely nothing towards trying to find a place. I'm the one that has been doing all the applications, arranging viewings & trying to pack up our current house. When I ask him to do simple tasks its like talking to a teenager, I'm greeted with huffs, puffs, groans & I'm just finding myself wanting to punch him (I won't actually hit him I don't have it in me but he is driving me up the wall & not just in that way that wives say in jest). I constantly feel like I am standing out on a limb just waiting for it to break.

I have friends I speak to regularly but I'm starting to feel like I'm unfairly burdening them with my issues. That thought sends me down a rabbit hole that I'm struggling to get out of. My self esteem is subterranean. I don't feel like I add anything of value to anyone's life, everytime I talk to loved ones its all the same, all negative. I fear I'm boring them or that I'm not good enough.

I should've mentioned (and the therapist made constant notes about) I'm very self aware. I know when I'm caught in the cycle, I practise the coping mechanisms but when I'm in the cycle I really have to fight to get out of it. I know the negative self talk doesn't help but I can't stop which results in annoyance at self which creates more negative self talk & so on. I have zero libidio either which of course is a sore spot in my marriage. I actually started questioning lately if I might be Asexual so there's that too.

Constantly feeling like I'm just spinning my wheels and going nowhere. Its a deep soul exhaustion. *long exhale*

[wannabe_alpha]

Its good to reach out here!

Its good that you have friends with whom you can vent out all the negativity. However there is always a fear of losing them coz of that!

Have you tried to communicate with your husband about this?

[AmethystWolf]

Thank you for your reply.

I have spoken to hubby a number of times about these things, and he is getting better at helping out, but it is a slow process. I'm resistant to bringing it up again because then I become the nagging wife. As for the libido issue well that comes up frequently, as i mentioned it is a sore spot in our marriage.

[wannabe_alpha]

Its good to know that your husband is slowly changing!

I have observed that while discussing these things, its better to do at the right mood and in a good tone! Have you consulted GP regarding your libido issue!?

[JackieE]

Hi. It sounds to me like your keg's nearly run out (See what I did there bartender 🙂 . You are doing so many stressful things at once - it is no wonder you are feeling mentally exhausted and your GAD and depression has flared. It also must be very frustrating when the person you love, who is meant to be your co-pilot in life, is doing nothing to help with such a fundamental thing such as where you are going to live!

Is there any chance you can delegate one or more of these tasks to a trusted friend? For example, maybe shortlisting rentals for you? Just tell the friend what are absolute deal-breakers and what you 100% require in a rental and let them give you a short-list every day (or so) with location and viewing times.

As someone who suffers from major depressive disorder I have great difficulty asking for help - but I am more than happy to give it!

I'm currently coming out of a major depressive episode that required 4 weeks off work. I am on 5 different types of anti-depressant/anti-psychotic/mood stabilisers and am somehow working full-time and receiving therapy about once per week. I'm extremely tired.

Quite frankly, if a friend with a mental illness asked me, right now, whilst I am unwell myself, to list rentals for him/her I would absolutely step up to the plate. Chances are they may receive an unnecessarily detailed spreadsheet from me but I would want to do it because I would feel useful. People who are your friends like to be asked to do practical things to help.

I hope your husband stops acting immaturely and remember that you are a team and he needs to live in the place you choose so maybe he should engage in the process!

Welcome to the forum - I've been lurking but not posting anything for years.

I hope things improve for you.

[AmethystWolf]

Thank you for you response.

I'm sorry to hear that you have been unwell recently.

Completely understand the whole stepping up to the plate to help a friend even if your own self ain't that great. I do that a lot. "Hey I'm currently up shit creek without a paddle, but i noticed that you are struggling, let me get a paddle for you". It's kinda nice when someone else gets it. A big part of my problem is that I dig the heels in so will often not reach out for help. Delegating to friends in regards to this whole rental situation honestly never even crossed my mind, so thank you for that suggestion. As it turns out I think we might be getting closer to finding a place and if it doesn't happen in a couple of weeks we will just move in with my mum as a temporary fix. I'm not super psyched about that prospect, only because her place is quite small so it will be tight and there's an element of my pride being pretty brutally bruised at the idea of living with my folks again, but I am working on swallowing that pride. If nothing else staying with mum will mean we can take the foot off the gas a bit.

Note re: libidio. I actually mentioned it to the gp the last time I was there and she completely glossed over it. I don't really get physically ill very often (small blessing) so I very rarely even think about going to the gp but i have thought about it a lot recently. I changed recently to the mini pill which definitely seems to have helped with the more severe mood swings but still no drive. I figure I'll wait until we get resettled then I will start to tackle all the other things.

Thank you all for your replies, it feel good knowing that I am not being judged harshly.

[Croix]

Dear AmethystWolf~

Do you mind if I offer a couple of thoughts about the lack of libido?

The first is when my depression, PTSD and anxiety started to become worse my desire for intimacy dropped until by the time my conditions had become reasonably severe my inclinations had dropped to zero, and stayed that way for some considerable time . Matters only started to improve in that area when my circumstances changed, I'd been under therapy and medications for a fair while and my overall condition had improved markedly.

This is despite the fact that my partner was everything one could wish for and a major source of comfort strenght and care while I was ill. She had to look after me, the family and work. A huge burden for which she earned my undying respect.

This leads me on to the second point, your partner does not seem to be of the same sort, and by having to tell him what to do and having that met with reluctance does not engender feelings of respect, equality and security. Under such circumstances your lack of desire might well be views as a logical consequence.

Actually it goes further than that, you talk of your self esteem been very low, as mine was. Depression does skew one's thoughts and leave one with a view of a smaller more hopeless world, however if you are not being looked after by your partner that too will lower one's feelings of worthiness.

I'm glad you have sought professional help, that plus meds was the only way I could improve. As I've become more confident over time I have confided in some friends heavily and been unreservedly supported. Can you talk things over with anyone in your family for instance, not so they can fix problems, but just to listen and care?

Do you think some form of counseling might make you husband into a more of an energetic and thoughtful partner?

Croix