Nothing helps body-related self esteem when it's true

[Guest_4502]

I don't hate anyone. Not my abusers. Not anyone... except myself.

I have exhausted multiple therapists with the net result being 'you're completely right, our only advice is to bottle it up and pretend it's not the problem it is'.

I have been in therapy for years. I've beaten loss, grief, infidelity, divorce, depression, anxiety, identity issues, trauma, everything so many others can't.

But this is different.

Telling me to ignore what I hate, and focus on other things, is INSANE.

It's like starving to death and saying your shoes look nice. You're still starving to death, they're different topics and don't in any way or form balance each other out.

Or watching your uninsured house burn down, being happy your car is shiny. You have nowhere to live, and are financially devastated, but you can go cut hot laps of the city on Friday night.

I'm fit, I'm healthy, I'm employed, other things are good about myself and my life and even my appearance. But none of it matters. It's like a glass of drinking water with a few drops of poison in it. What else is there doesn't matter, the overall picture is still coloured by the poison.

I'm just exhausted.

This will never change until the day I die.

No amount of positive thinking, ignoring it, bottling it up, pretending it's fine, none of that will ever change it. That's all rubbish advice, I need a solution and there isn't one. I'm trapped. This is me and no amount of therapy will change how flawed my body is and how much it had affected or continues to affect my life, despite me soldiering on trying not to let it hold me back.

[ecomama]

Hi Guest_4502, and a warm welcome to the forums. 

If you are convinced there isn't a solution and you'll be like this until you die, you're right. 

BUT if you know what many others know, myself included, that your thoughts are simply that and they CAN be changed by you, then you could begin the road of recovery towards SELF LOVE rather than the hatred you're storing up inside you. 
Perhaps the hatred that should be directed towards the abusers, until it flickers out and is healed also. 

Absolutely EVERYONE has a flawed body lol! 

Do you think it's perfectionism that's the issue? 
I do but I don't know you, so IDK. 

Sending healing thoughts, 
EM

[Puglett]

Hello there,

I too have experienced abuse in the past. My own Psychologist did not tell me to bottle it up. She talked about doing a type of therapy where you look back at the negative experience, and as an adult, with the Psychologist's support, identify how you should have been treated/rewrite the story, so if anything you are facing it head on, not bottling it up.

I would recommend talking to your Psychologist about why therapy is not working and if they still can't help you, you may decide to find a new Psychologist and 'screen' them by explaining this issue. You deserve good help. x

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Guest4502,

A warm and caring welcome to our forums…

I am so sorry that you hate yourself….I went through a couple of years of hating myself due to all the trauma and abuse  I went through…I blamed me for what I went through, but mostly for what I put my children though…..I now know I did what I could to survive and protect my children….I will admit that I still at times hate myself at times of triggers but also I do care for myself when my life is going okay…..

You are you Dear Guest, and uniquely so…no one else in this world can be you…nor has had your life….You sound like a very strong person who has survived a lot in life…I don’t know what flaws you have, whether they are on the outer of your body or if they are in your inner soul that you feel is flawed….either way Guest, you are an person that has overcome a great deal of heartache….and are now fit, healthy and employed and things are good in your life…

these are all positives in your life….you are living these positive things each day…things that were not possible years ago, while you were going through so much trauma…you won, you’re  a survivor, like me…like so many other people….you are beautiful both inside and out, and you deserve to be happy…..

If it’s okay to ask….and please only answer if you feel you want to share….What do you hate about yourself so much…that it’s effecting your daily life?….I can see a brave and courageous person who has overcome a lot of trauma…..

We have a thread called….”Do you like yourself “  started by Blondguy….if you feel up to it..and feel to search for it in the search bar…reading through some of those posts and/or posting on there might help you a little by listening to the insight of how others feel about themselves….

I do hope you will continue to post here….you are not alone…

Thinking of you with my care and kind thoughts 

Grandy…

[Guest_4502]

I've exhausted a number of therapists on the topic, multiple avenues, strategies, CBT, DBT, blah blah. I even went to a specialised counsellor and they too agreed that I am inferior and I just need to suffer it, and if I'm lucky I can trap someone in a relationship with me who is prepared to settle.

In addition to my physical flaws, steuggled woth my entire life, I have been subjected to the most phenomenally brutal campaign of abuse specifically about that. To the extent I have been diagnosed with CPTSD and have a court order against my ex. But none of that changes anything. It's all real and true.

I have been widely humiliated and every word, action, piece of harm done to be was accurate and true. It was not nice, it was not fair, I did not deserve it, but not a word of it was false or untrue.

It's not something I can really talk about. And regardless, nothing anyone says can help because it's all still real. Anything I get is just more gaslighting.

Best thing is the police aren't interested in criminal charges, despite acknowledging crimes were committed, as it's just he said she said. Any scenic of self love I had entering that relationship, had been turned to less than dust.

[Shamira_1]

Hi there Guest_4502, I am here for you I kwon who you feel you don't what to die and who ever it is try to let them go and move one with your best life without them but I am not trying to be rude but try to get them out of your life 

[Guest_4502]

My experience with professionals, no-one wants to hear, knows where to start if they do get my story, or even if we get started once they get the full detail they end up completely agreeing with me.

I've read every single thing on self esteem and abuse recovery, the steps to follow, and none of them are relevant for me. My abuser systematically crushed me and there is nothing at all anyone can do to help me.

I've cancelled my therapy sessions, all they do is drag it all up. I just have to follow their advice and bottle it up, and going to therapy just makes it worse.

Just so exhausted of being on the verge of tears every day, knowing this is my life, forever.