Miscarriage and anger with GPs who did not detect infection

[purple241]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this forum and just joined a few minutes ago (although, have been reading some of the posts here as it has gotten me through the past few days and nights, so very grateful to you all).

I know miscarriages do not scientifically have any reason and that it is hard to pinpoint one, and am told it is a chromosominal rejection that is completely natural. But in my case, the two weeks leading up to my early miscarriage (7-8weeks pregnant) I suffered severe gastro, prolonged, and presented to several GPs with pelvic pain. Did the ultrasounds and the fact there was no heartbeat was not an issue. Both the private and public GPs said it was viral so I just had to 'wait it out', no antibiotics needed.

As I was finally improving I saw that I had a referral sitting on my table from another online GP I had consulted two weeks ago which I had ignored as I managed to get face to face appointments asap and started seeing my GPs. Something told me I should submit the tests anyway from the online GP, and to my usual and second GPs surprise, the results showed I did have another infection which was an UTI. So my GP called me up immediately last Saturday morning to say she will give me an antibiotics that was completely pregnancy safe, to start going on those. So I did. Last Tuesday, we found out my hormones were dropping and just the day before was when I could confirm I had my miscarriage.

I am being told 'at least I can have a baby' or 'it was not a big thing because there never was a heartbeat', which is true I guess, but I am quite angry that the first face to face GP was so sure it was viral and rejected my idea of being given antibiotics just in case (or at least should have asked me to do a UTI test). The second face to face GP was also quite insensitive and treating me like a science experiment (and also took two samples from me that day by the way, but I guess did not think to test either for UTI?), but I feel stuck with both because it is just so hard to switch GPs, especially the second one who is a private GP whose practice I have been going to since since 2009.

Right now, I am terrified that if I am this shaken by grief for such an early loss, how am I going to deal with the prospect of an even bigger one if I start trying again this year? Am I even ready to have children any more? Is it worth putting myself through all these emotions and grief? I do not know who I am anymore and feel completely lost on all aspects of my life. 

[Ranga-1]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Pregnancy loss, whether there was a heartbeat or not, is still a LOSS to YOU. You have lost hopes and a plans, and it hurts. Does the GP or your local hospital have a clinic to assist you to process the emotions. They might be able to refer you to a support group. Your loss is real and you are entitled to grieve. Maybe you will feel stronger soon and ready to try again, but it must be at your own pace. I'm sure there will be some online forums for miscarriage who can give you assistance, if you cannot get into a local support group. 

Wishing you much strength. 

[therising]

Hi purple241

I feel for you so deeply as you face this time in your life which is so full of grief, fear and questioning. Miscarriage is such an incredibly personal experience and one that can be so difficult to navigate without support. 

Speaking from my own experience, I have to say early stage or first trimester miscarriage is complex in many ways. While there is some acknowledgement of loss, not a lot of people consider it to be a significant loss. Comments from people such as 'You should be over it by now' can lead the experience/loss to feel lonely, confusing and even depressing. With no outward obvious signs of pregnancy, such as that 'baby bump' out in front of you, a lot of people tend to see early stage miscarriage as 'this thing that happened to you that you need to get over'. For them, there's no evidence of what you've lost. What can make first trimester miscarriage even more complex is when there are no successful pregnancies preceding it. 

While my first trimester miscarriages happened in between the pregnancy with my daughter who's now 21 and my son who's 18, I'm going back a bit in my recollection. In hindsight, the miscarriages were a biological, mental and even soulful or soul destroying experience and it helped me to make sense of them from these 3 angles, before I was able to move on. Btw, I have that little voice of guidance that you have, the one that led you to follow up and submit the tests, possibly the same little voice that led you to come here. Something said to me 'Go to the library and do your research'. I drew out 2 books. One was on the biological nature of miscarriage and the other was a book which was a collection of women's personal experiences with miscarriage. The books offered me the 3 different angles I needed. The first gave me an explanation that equated to 'This is why the miscarriages were not your fault, it's just what nature does under the circumstances' and the 2nd involved how to mentally and emotionally make sense of things while healing in soulful ways. Btw, the 'advice' I received by some folk around me (when I got the books out) was 'You need to stop obsessing over this'. What the?! My advice to any woman trying to manage is 'Find what works, no matter how long it takes' because that's the goal, to find what makes a difference.

When I struggled to decide (amongst a hell of a lot of fear) whether to try for another child, after 2 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy, it was my nephew who said 'You're courageous to consider trying again'. I never thought of myself as courageous but he was right. It takes courage to try again. I felt empowered by this emotion as it came to override my grief. While my pregnancy with my son was somewhat fearful, given my experience with miscarriage, he eventually came to life as my reward for courage.

purple241, who you are is deeply feeling, grief stricken and courageous, amongst other things. ❤️

[Paragon86]

Hello Purple241,

Any sort of grief or loss is difficult for others to comprehend, particularly a miscarriage. People often say things like “it was so early” or “it wasn’t meant to be “ or other insensitive statements because they are trying to make you feel better and lack insight and don’t know what else to say. 

I myself have suffered a miscarriage and the sense of bereavement and loss was profound, yet I still cannot claim to know what you are going through but your feelings of loss and disappointment at being neglected by your GP are completely valid.

Right now it seems that you have some doubts as to whether you will cope with another potential loss or whether parenting is your ‘fate’. 

There is nothing abnormal in how you feel. I think fear and worry is a part of being a parent  and we often surprise ourselves with how well we deal with obstacles that come our way.