Anger destroying my relationship

[Garry08]

Hi,

I have allowed my anger to control me for a long time and it has always caused me so many issues.

I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 13 years. She has taken so much from me over the years but I guess she still had faith in me that I was better.

I am generally a good person and I would never physically harm her but lately things just seem to be at an end in terms of her patience. She has three daughters, the eldest is in college the younger two are in high school. The eldest daughter and I are now very close but when she was a teenager it was very different. She hated that I was there and her father wasn’t but now she understands what I did for her and refers to me as her father.

I previously had issues with alcohol and decided that it was better to quit than risk losing them forever. Now, over two years later, I don’t drink but still have these outbursts where I will yell, say hurtful things, slam doors and even break stuff. I have tried so hard to not do these things but it seems to happen anyway.

I don’t want to be this person and I don’t want to lose my family.

Can anyone help me with some advice please?

[Sophie_M]

Hey Garry08, 

We thank you for taking the time to post to the forums, it's a brave step towards feeling better. We can hear you’re feeling overwhelmed, and are trying to take the steps towards feeling better and expressing your anger in a more constructive way. We’re sorry you’re feeling this way, but want you to know that by posting here, and sharing your story with our community, you’ve already taken an enormous step and shown such bravery and strength.  

We can hear that you are concerned about your relationship, if you did want to reach out to Relationships Australia, you can call them on 1300 364 277. They also have some great advice on their pages, such as this one on communication in relationships as it could be helpful to communicate what how you've been struggling with your partner so that you can work together to improve your situation.

It sounds like you could really do with talking things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here. There are also some really good pointers here for staying connected, and finding support through a trying time.  

Thanks again for sharing here. We hope our community will soon spot this post and provide some words of wisdom through this difficult time. 

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[therising]

Hi Garry08

Sounds like you've made a lot of progress over time, especially with no longer drinking which is something that can make a huge difference. As a 53yo gal who's an ex drinker from way back, I believe not drinking is the first step to becoming more conscious. From my own experience, I'd say the next step in becoming more conscious involves gradually waking up to why we tick the way we do. Waking up is definitely a tough business, that's for sure.

Anger's one heck of a thing to gradually wake up to, I think because there's just so many factors to it. In regard to feeling/s, I was able to get a better sense of or feel for anger when I was led to see emotion as energy in motion that can be felt (within the body). Anger has a particular energy to it. Fierce, furious, intense, overwhelming, fiery, explosive. A gradual build up of it or and instant zero to 1000 feel to it. A major trigger or a whole set of minor triggers that create a pressure cooker situation with a massive vent. There's so much to become conscious of. Then, breaking it down even further can involve more precise emotions under the heading of overwhelming: Overwhelming frustration, overwhelming disappointment, overwhelming intolerance, injustice, rejection and so on. Might sound a bit strange but becoming more sensitive can make a difference. You'd think it'd go the other way, becoming less sensitive, but I've found if I want of gain a better sense of what leads me to anger, I have to be able to feel where it's coming from and what or who is triggering it.

Another factor can involve inner dialogue. I have a facet to me that is truly upstanding, one I like to refer to as 'the intolerant cow' in me. I feel it come to life through anger. My inner dialogue changes when it does come to life. This part of me can have a bit of a potty mouth, so I'll tone it down. It produces inner dialogue that can sound a little like 'Why are you taking this sh** from people?! Why are you letting them walk all over you? They couldn't give a flying **** about filtering what they say to you, so why the hell are you so careful in how you speak to them? It's time you tell 'em how it is, in no uncertain terms'. While it may be true that I've been people pleasing too much and tolerating abuse or neglect, if the cow in me had it's way it would burn bridge after bridge and not just burn them but take to them with a high powered flame thrower 😁. Managing an enraged part of us can involve learning to channel a facet that keeps the reigns on it. Wondering whether you have somewhat of a sage in you that pops up now and then. Typically, it's the voice of reason with a little wisdom. If you've ever heard inner dialogue that sounds a little like 'You need to calm down or walk away' or 'Just breathe' or 'Don't say something you'll regret', that would be it. I've found it's not so much about managing the anger as it is about bringing some facet to life that will naturally manage it. While imagining this inner sage (the voice of reason), if you channel it well enough it'll give you the reasons for the anger, under the circumstances. For example, Q. 'Why do I feel so unbelievably enraged?' A. 'Because no one's listening to how you feel and you're trying to cope with way too much stress at work on top of it all'.

[randomxx]

Thing is op , what's causing it? Usually something causes us to get that way , usually some kind of frustration about the other one. does she do or say things or not do and not say things that frustrate the hell out of you, or have habits or something that are just too much.

Those are the sort of things that were causing it for me back during marriage. So yeah it was on one and on me but at the same time there were things that were driving me to it too, l just wasn't a happy camper.

[Garry08]

Hi, 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and providing some really good information.

I have been speaking with a few professionals and working on a few different exercises and techniques that have been really helpful. I think the hardest part of it all, apart from being separated from the people I love, was actually admitting I have a problem. It’s not that I thought I was perfect but I just never realised I was so damaged until I tried to say the words out loud to another person. I think it took me about 10 minutes just to say what u was feeling because I was crying so much.

It was kinda surreal though. Once I got it all out I felt proud that I not only admitted my flaws but also that I cried about it. Where normally I would have felt ashamed. 

I have started working on focusing more on what I want as my end goal. What you said about e motion or energy in motion. It’s so simple and I feel really silly for not seeing it earlier but I’ve noticed that if I feel positive or have positive energy I convey positive emotions and obviously negative energy to negative emotions. I’ve found this has been one thing that I can rely on when I feel anger or overwhelmed. Something as simple as a bad day at work could destroy the rest of my day, now it just feels like a minor distraction.

i feel I’ve started to make some really good progress so far just talking about it and reading about other people’s experiences and how they deal with certain situations.

Thanks again for your input and support. I really do appreciate it. I hope that when I have healed myself I may be able to assist others as you have assisted me.

[Garry08]

Hi,

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

I think there are many things causing it and I think it would be considered normal behaviour that I react to most of it. However, I would take it too far too often.

I have two teenage girls that are scared of me and while I totally understand what you mean, I can’t just blame it on anybody else or anything else. I should never have allowed myself to be this person, not while raising children.

if anyone else made them feel this way I would want to literally kill them but I’ve been doing it myself.

I could write a list 1000 pages long with the things my partner or kids do that annoy me but at the end of the day I love them and they don’t deserve any of it.

I am taking steps to improve myself and how I handle situations. It’s extremely hard and sometimes I feel like I’m getting nowhere but I have a goal, I know what I don’t want to be at that’s why I’m doing it.

Thanks again for your reply. I’ve found a lot of my initial healing has come from simply talking about it.

[randomxx]

Hi there op your post just popped up when l came in then so it was good to see how your doing.

Yeah the positive over negative is huge to definitely especially with life in general or work,or your kids it's helped me no end.

For me there was so much emotional baggage in marriage though,different story. You see it all the time in couples, in how she'll treat him talk to him or little cracks or vice versa too but well, that's the same thing - a built up emotional back log over yrs of irritation if your partner takes no notice. Well l knew that and if someone else did the same things you wouldn't bat an eyelid but when your partners been doing it for yrs and yrs , it builds bc it involves your relationship and very life itself where as just anyone else doesn't.

l spent yrs using positive earlier, chuckling things off, patient, or maybe saying something just quietly, nicely, just now and then, but l dunno. Unfortunately over time, yrs, things turned into negative emotional build up bc l was the only one making an effort and so things would just go on and it would just get too much.

So in my case yeah losing it was a fault in me but it had also gotten almost imposable too.

Good luck anyway sounds like your making great progress.

[therising]

Hi Garry

I've lost count of the amount of times where I've thought 'That's so simple and it makes so much sense. Why did I not see it earlier?'. I eventually figured out that becoming more conscious or waking up to things comes at different levels. I can't get to level 20 without going through the levels that precede it. I suppose it's a bit like with school; we can't go from year 3 understanding to year 11. There's knowledge or there are revelations that needs to be gained in between.

The anger/pain thing's interesting, hey. I find there's always good reason for me feeling anger. It really is such a telling emotion and a fascinating one to tap into and get a better sense of. I've found 'Behind my anger is...' is a good phrase to begin with. Whether it's 'Behind my anger is desperation' or 'Behind my anger is a sense of no one caring about me' or 'Behind my anger is self resentment', it really does become telling. I've found that when I cycle into and out of depression, anger and what lies behind it is often a part of the cycle. It's normal for me and it's also normal for revelations to come up as a result of it. 'I don't feel anger for no good reason' is what helps me search for revelations.

With you mentioning flaws, I like to think that with all the faults I have regarding the foundations of who I am, some of those faults or cracks are not mine to begin with. I simply inherited them. For example, while we could say 'It's my fault I can't manage my anger', were we ever taught how to manage or better understand anger? We could then say 'It wasn't entirely my father or mother's fault either, the anger they couldn't manage for it was there in their parent/s'. You could go all the way back through the generations to find no one was ever skillful in how they managed anger. The fault was always there. In other words the fault line is a fault in the lineage. We may find we are the first in a long line of people to become skillful emotional managers. Because of us, the fault ceases to exist in the generations that follow us.

I'm so glad you're feeling a sense of progress. Huge emotional release, especially in the form of tears, is massive progress. One of my favourite quotes: 'There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love' -Washington Irving