Supporting depressed wife.

[ThrowAwayAnon]

Hi,

My wife and I have been together for the last 10 years and married for 3 and a half. Over the last 6 weeks there has been a marked change in mood and attitude.

I won't get fully into depth about it but she is having thoughts that at times she doesn't love me. I know this is a common theme amongst people with depression due to what I assume is part of anhedonia.

In all honesty I'm sure we'll come through this and everything will be alright, as there are no "red flags" in our relationship but if I'm 100% honest I'm scared to the core.

I'm spending most of the day nauseated, anxious and at times in tears. My biggest problem is that I need to be strong for her at the moment. I've told her that i'll be with her throughout the whole thing and i'll fight until everything is fine but I am afraid that by her seeing me as hurt she'll not open up to me as easily and will "protect" me by not being as open.

I had a period years ago with intrusive thoughts that I didn't love her (as we were getting engaged) and she had to deal with the same type of thing for about 2 years, so now I understand how hard it is.

I know it's a hard situation with not knowing whats truth and whats not and to compound things we have a 1 year old which allows no down time to relax.

What is the best way of supporting someone who's feeling hollow and "Dead inside" while looking after myself? So far she is seeing a psychologist, but its a matter of finding if the depression is causing the thoughts or vice versa.

Thanks.

[geoff]

Hello Anon, I'm very sorry that your thread hasn't been replied to.

You maybe unable to talk meaningfully about it because you have mentioned 'intrusive thoughts' and wonder whether you are still having these thoughts, and please don't worry because I too have them.

This is your anxiety talking to you and by your wife having anhedonia (inability to feel pleasure)is a sign that she has to see her GP, to begin with, and it's concerning as what it does, is it makes the wall much taller to climb over.

The reason why she is feeling detached is because she may not have an idea about what the problem is or what she is searching for, that's what depression does to us, but therapy will try and uncover this for her.

If you have intrusive thoughts, I wonder whether you have been diagnosed with anything, because we can't keep on pushing everything aside, if we do it may only come back to haunt you, let counselling help you and your wife.

I'd be really interested in hearing back from you.

Geoff.

[ThrowAwayAnon]

Hi Geoff,

My intrusive thoughts were diagnosed as OCD and with a mix of CBT and medication I've mainly been able to stay on top of it.

We had a huge talk about the situation last night and she thinks shes not in love with me anymore despite there being no issues in our relationship whatsoever. Shes says she still loves me and that I'm her best friend. This has left me in a weird position.

She says she still thinks that the depression is due to not loving me anymore and she still has nagging thoughts that there might be the possibility that she does. I will be organising marriage counseling for us today (with her consent) as I'm not going to give up without a fight

She has said she is open to trying to fight this out for us and our boy.

I'm scared because logically I believe love is a choice but i don't want her hurting inside. For the first time in a long time I'm fully healthy and happy in life and the thought that it could be taken away from me in an instant is beyond my worse fears.

thanks,

[geoff]

Hi Anon, thanks for getting back, I had thought it could be OCD and pleased you've been diagnosed with it, not that this illness is any fun at all, as I've had it for a long time.

Depression does play with her emotions and feelings and when you look at it the same applies when you love an activity at one point, and then not be interested in it at all the next.

You don't know whether her depression came first when she says 'she doesn't love you' then how do you know whether or not it's true and by her continuing to mention this then' you don’t know what you have until it’s gone’, I know you adore her and this could be strong enough to pull her out of this void.

I know how this could be affecting you, I'm really sorry and wonder whether this has been an issue.

I hope you can keep in touch with us.

Geoff.

[bmacca64]

Hi ThrowAwayAnon, reading your post is scarily similar to what I am experiencing. My wife was diagnosed with bipolar before we met and she said one of the things that attracted her to me is that I don’t judge people.

We have been together 9 years and married for 3. About 6 weeks ago she told me I was her best friend and she loves me dearly but isn’t in love with me anymore. Over the past six weeks she has been continually moving out to stay at friends houses then coming back for a couple of days and sleeping in the spare room. It is playing with my mental state so I have been seeing a psychologist to help me adjust this situation.

Every day for what seems like forever she rings me multiple times a day and always finished with an “I love you”. She still calls multiple times a day but there is no longer the “I love you” at the end.

I got all the sayings “why did you marry me, I bring nothing”, “I’m 44 and I have nothing of my own”, “I hate living off you, I feel like a burden”. All these negative sayings about herself.

I eventually talked her into seeing her GP who then gave her a referral to a psychiatrist as she hasn’t seen hers for about eight years so therefore hasn’t had a medication review. She called and he didn’t have any appointments for about six months!

I’m a bit lost about what to do next as I’m concerned as to what my own mental state will be like with six more months of this.

[bmacca64]

I'm hearing you. My situation is similar except we don't have any children.