Hi everyone,
I'm new to the site, so thank you for your help in advance. I'm in a very painful situation with my ex, who moved to Australia from the UK late last year. He very quickly spiraled into depression and was feeling suicidal within five weeks of arriving. We have been together for two years, have known each other for four, and are married. He hadn't experienced depression in the time I've known him although, looking back, there were some warning signs that he was developing signs of a nervous breakdown before he arrived. Unfortunately, my partner began blaming me for the depression very quickly, saying that issues he had with my communication style were resulting in him not being able to make plans to stay in Australia, and hence look for work, make friends, etc., and that all of this meant that he was depressed. I felt that my communication style was how it had always been but nonetheless tried to address his concerns and improve what he was asking me to. The problem was that once I fixed one issue, another one would emerge. He became extremely nasty over the six months that he was here and was verbally abusive at times; he felt that I ruined his life by asking him to move to Australia. I financially supported him the whole time he was here, tried to get him to seek professional help, tried to support him, etc. but it didn't help - in fact, it made the situation worse. One night I told him that I needed a break from talking about suicide, and he has never let me forget this.
My ex has returned to the UK to recover and has asked that I not contact him so that he can begin a new phase of his life. I haven't contacted him for nearly a month. I'm torn, as when he was here, he would insist that I not contact him/never speak to him again, etc. and then be quite surprised that I wouldn't reach out and try to make amends 'if I actually wanted to relationship'. I want to respect where he's at and his healing, but it's painful to not be able to be there for him. I'm not sure if it would be helpful or harmful to reach out and tell him that I still care and that I'm here if he needs or wants me. I suspect I need to leave him be. I'm grieving myself, as I feel like this disease has robbed me of my husband. At the same time, some of his behaviour was abusive, and I know that depression is no excuse for that. It's a phenomenally sad time. I'd appreciate any advice on how to support someone in this situation.
