Partner with PTSD need help

[Bethie]

Hi

My partner has PTSD and was ok in till a recent accident cause him to get amnesia. As his memory is starting to come back so has his PTSD. I didn' even know he saw active duty untill August this year. It seems that he kept being infantry in East Timour a secrect. I'e had to get the ambulance and police to take him to hospital a few times now dye to the fact that when he' been asleep he starts reliving everything he saw and did under orders and has grabbed ahold of me a few times thinking I was the enemy. On some level he still knows it' me and doesn' hurt me. I didn' know untill recently that for over 20 years he had used a very very small amount of marihuana a day to help. He told me he's tried everything else including hypmo theropy and acupuncture after he got out but nothing worked long term. He' now taking very small amounts of smoke again but is on anti anxiety/anti depressants meds. It' been a week today since his last attack but I'm really scared. I suffer chronic anxiety and depression myself and at times totally break down. We have a 14 year old son who thank God gets people to talk to about his Dad via Army Cadets which helps.

If anyone has been through anything like this please please I need advice. Most of the guys my partner served with have passed away now. The last one only a few months ago. My partner feels he should have been there for him. Reality is the guy suffered a brain tumour and died suddenly at 48. It was nothing to do with his military service but since he saved my partners life and vise versa my parter has taken it very hard. I' struggling. Part of me hates the Army so bad and seeing my son hell bent on going into infantry when he' 17 breaks my heart. I want to wrap my partner in cotton wool and never take my eyes of him. If I could I'd take his pain away and bear it myself. But I can't. We talked today and he wants me to get help but I'm scared. So much I learnt is highly classfied and I don't want to open things better left buried for good reason. How do people handle this sort of thing?

[Just Sara]

Hi Beth and welcome to our caring community;

Your story sounds tragic, not only for you, but your partner and son. I really feel for you and hope I can help to ease your burden.

I suffer PTSD from sexual assault in childhood, as a young adult and in maturity. So I know the devastation of trauma down the track and for those connected to me.

I think your husband made a good point asking you to seek support for yourself. To help our loved ones, we need to be at our best. Therapy's a positive way to air your fears and confusion, and find coping strategies that serve your best interests as well as your husband and son.

Transference occurs when we take on the pain of others as if it were our own. Therapy can help you distance yourself. If you hurt for your husband, he'll see this and feel at fault adding to the load he carry's.

Truly understanding the 'idea' and effects of PTSD is another way to support your husband. Could you imagine being on high alert every moment of the day for months or even yrs, waiting for conflict or horror?

Our bodies/brains are trained to respond via adrenaline and cortisol pumped out during fight/flight/freeze events, especially when they're ongoing. When the threat has passed and we haven't dealt with it, our minds remain vigilant. Any abrupt noise for example can throw us into automatic fear or defensive responses.

I lived on adrenaline nearly my whole life until I had a massive breakdown and was diagnosed, which helped me understand why I behaved the way I did. I researched PTSD, read many relevant books, got a great psych and began my recovery process. It was slow and painful, but I'm here to tell the story and suffer minimal effects. There's hope..

Your husband doesn't need sympathy, he needs specific support that compliments his own Mental Health management plan. To learn how to do this, you need to first treat your own pain, find a healthy distance from his pain, educate yourself and formulate a crisis management action plan. This can be done with the support of your GP's, psych's and each other.

Being the best person you can be will improve both your lives for the better. Do you realise, one of the most important things you can give your husband is a beautiful smile? It's not a miracle cure, but it can uplift him in ways you can't imagine.

Knowing you're happy and thriving makes his role as a husband easier, which in turn reduces his stress levels and keeps adrenaline low.

I'd love to hear back from you ok.

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[Croix]

Dear Bethie~

I'd like to welcome you here and understand a fair bit of what you are going though because my wife had to deal with a similar situation - though not involving the military.

I was a policeman and was invalided out with PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression. One of the things that really worried me what coming out of a mental state involving the past was how I would react. I was always frightened I'd lash out and hurt my wife. This never happened. The worst was jumping up and shouting a few times. Although I was not a real threat I felt I could have been, you do need to exercise care as you partner may not recognize you for a moment or two

For me with therapy, medication and some hospitalization I reached a very much improved state, able to live a pretty much normal life, though still under treatment. I too had hypnotherapy which was not effective. Like you I'm sure my wife would have liked to take the hurt away, however it's simply not possible.

From the sound of it your partner has additional complications dealing with the military side of things, and also the recent accident plus self-medicating. I've no real knowledge of the interaction of cannabis and regular medication other than to think he really needs to be very straight with his doctor.

Your own situation is very concerning. While you are naturally concentrating on you partner you have to realize that his welfare is a joint effort with medical support being a huge part, you are not going to make him better by yourself. The condition will take a long time to lessen, and that is very hard on you.

Your partner has asked you to get help, and I would think in that he is quite right. Chronic anxiety and depression are illnesses that really do need treating. Treatment has made mine a whole lot better, and they, plus coping techniques have them mostly under control. Not getting medical help means your life is in a constant state of anxiety or depression, no way to live, and does not allow you the calm and perspective needed to cope with the things you face.

All your post seems to concentrate on supporting others. Do you have anyone to support you? When at my worst I was little support for my partner. Do you have parents, family or friends to care for and support you? Even being able to talk frankly makes huge difference.

There is another section in the Forum PTSD & Trauma, you may find others with similar situations.

Please talk about things here as much as you would like.

Croix

[Bethie]

Thanks Sex

Your words really helped. Most days I feel like I should be handling things better than I since my mum is a Phyc sister who specialised in mind management theropy and my Dad hold a counseling degree and has worked with relationships Australia before he retired. They're both in their mid 80s now and live on oppsite sides of the country from each other. They've kinda given up on me now.i know one of my biggest problems is projecting into the future. With 17 years sobriety it feels like I'm just expected to know how to handle everything....but some days it all gets to much even though I'm on anti axiety/anti depressant meds myself.

Thanks so much for being here

[Bethie]

I've kept most of my family safe from all this. My closest sister has a very bad memory from years of drug abuse. I'e read and re-read reports from my partner done by the Phyc at hospital. In each instance medications were recommended but never prescribed as the hospital takes forever to send information to his GP. Luckiy due to my own condition I had medication on hand and after his last outburst asked straight up if they would have calmed him down yes or no. With pressure they said yes they would. I really wish a follow through had happened 6 months ago. If it had chances are I'd still be working instead of the constant battle with Centerlink to get carers payment.

IM sorry but sometimes I slip into 12 step program mode.

Step 1. I've admitted I'm powerless and need help.

step 2. Have sort help

Step 3. Have become willing to accept help.

So sorry but it's how my crazy brain works.

Heres paying that this weekend there wount be another trip to the Phyc ward under the mental health act. The local police here are so helpful and understanding of everything. They have shown that even the biggest cities can have the biggest hearts.

[Just Sara]

Thanks for getting back to us Beth;

Congrat's on 17 yrs sobriety btw! This tells me you have strength, determination and a will to succeed.

Croix's post (above) also gives plenty of info on effects of PTSD within the family unit and how a positive outcome's possible. Please re-read it because there's pearls of wisdom in his words.

You've said you're on med's and that's good, but are you willing to compliment this with regular therapy? Having parents with MH training isn't the same as a psych who's not emotionally connected; they're not involved which is more ideal.

Projecting the future can't be effective at all. There are too many variables to consider, and it only serves to create panic and worry. Living in the moment and only dealing with what's in front of you is best practice yeah?

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Sorry to lecture. It does sound though, you may be experiencing your own PTSD symptoms. This isn't a diagnosis ok; it's an observation. I'm not a professional. I really feel you need to address what's going on with a psych asap. That's my advice..

Please keep writing as it's not only healthy, it's getting out the pain and frustration and helping others who read that might be in a similar situation.

I really admire your courage Beth. Please get back to us soon ok..

Sez

(Not Sex as you've written 😄 ah ha ha, it's only one key stroke away...all good)

[Just Sara]

Sorry Beth;

I didn't see your response to Croix. We must've posted at the same time. Hope I haven't crossed any lines.

My best..

Sez

[Bethie]

I've not intense theropy before when I was pregnant to deal with prenatal depression. 2 sessions a day for months.needed to deal with abandonment issues from childhood trauma. And yes I know I have PTSD ( Thanks alot 2011 floods) nearly everyone in my suburb does. You where correct.

I'l do whatever it takes provided I know my partner is safe to get well

[Bethie]

Well finally some good things are starting to happen. I'm so thankful you wonderful people here have been able to calm me down. Gratitude seems not big enough to describe how you've all made me feel.

Finally my carer payment came through after 6 months. Now I don't have to put pressure on my son to help.

It's only a week in but my partner is responding well to his medication and even starting to remember small things about the lead up to hitting his head and break down.

IT seems he had been taking medication but was going off it because our son didn' like it and we where both doing 14 hour days 6 days a week and 4 hour traveling time a day.

IM sleeping way better now and had a phone session today with a phycolgist. She arranged for me to be contacted weekly to see how I am and is looking into support groups that are just a bunch of like minded people meeting for a coffee and chat. Most likely my partner will be starting in a mens support group to learn how to express feelings and emotions .

Without taking the first step here and admitting I wasn't coping i honestly don't think most of this would have happened because I'd just hide with my head in the sand and pretend that I was ok and was dealing with everything.

Thank you all here so so very much💚💛💚

[Croix]

Dear Bethie~

I was gladdened to hear of your news. Things do look brighter, both because they really are, but just as importantly because you have changed a bit from the person that first posted.

There are a couple of things that might help from my life:

Firstly you are allowed to make mistakes. My wife had a pretty steep learning curve with me, and no experience to guide her. So she pushed when she should not, offered impractical solutions at times, left me alone when it would have been better if she had stayed, stayed when she might have been better not to and so on.

She let the car run out of oil. Other things. Actually I feel a bit mean bringing them up as she was incredible, but I wanted you to get the idea you do not have to have superwoman standards. It will work out.

None of that learning was in the least important. She was there for me, loved me and was a constant in my life. It really helped, gave me a mental 'home'.

Secondly you said "I've kept most of my family safe from all this"

Perhaps you might be deciding too much on their behalf. Both your parents are used to strife in one form or another. Most parents and family feel better if they can help. My wife had her mum, and it made an awful lot of difference to her, both emotionally and practically too, we ate a lot of cakes made with vegetables - her specialty.

As Sez says, please return and say how things are going (good and bad)

Croix