Partner with Depression and Eating Disorder

[MxBeaker]

So I've been with my partner for 4 years, engaged for 1 with the wedding in 12 months.

She has always had some mental health issues but it is getting to a point where I cannot cope anymore and I don't know what to do.

We have always been open to each other about each other's struggle and what we need, but it starting to develop a pattern of me doing whatever I can to help her and her saying she can't do what I need (I.e. help with housework as she's never been a "clean person"). I'm working my butt off trying to help and all I'm getting back is "you're not doing enough" and "you're not doing it right". I can't talk to any of my friends about it because all of our friends are mutual and I know she has been complaining about me to them - I don't feel comfortable even seeing them.

I'm trying not to lose sight of who she is when not having a mental health moment but it's getting so damn hard.

I don't want to talk away because I love her but it's getting so hard to stay. I feel like I have morphed into a carer rather than a partner.

I don't know what to do and I hate that I'm having these thoughts.

[Disneygirl]

Hi MxBeaker,

I’m glad you’re asking for support. I’ve found that counselling and medication has helped to treat my anxiety/depression. As a partner I empathise with you as I think of how my own partner may feel at times. I’m assuming that her mental health issues arose before you two met which is the same for me and my partner. I know at times he feels like he carries the weight of doing most of the chores.

Some days I don’t cope very well and having the pressure of a stressful job leaves me emotionally depleted. He does carry me during these times although I help when and where I can. We have open communication and share everything with each other. Talking to him after my counselling sessions seems to help bring us closer as he understands me more.

It sounds like your partner needs someone to talk to so she’s seeking support from your friends. This makes it difficult if she’s saying unkind things about you, which puts a barrier in building your relationship. Also the pressure of planning a wedding at this time would be tough.

I guess what I recommend is that you see her and her mental health (brain) as one. Some days are worse than others, yes. She may live with this condition for a long time. But she needs a support circle. For a long time I leant on my partner for emotional support until I decided I needed counselling. Which has taken some of the pressure off of him. I’m also actively dealing with my problems head on. We’ve been together 4 years, hopefully engaged some time this year when I’m back on my feet a bit more. I hope this helps.

[MxBeaker]

Thank you for the tips! I will definitely keep them at the front of my mind.

I think what is hard for her is finding friends she could trust. We just moved away from a small town after she got fired mostly due to her mental health being too much for her employers (they were gross) and she lost all the friends she made there.

I'm hoping once she starts meeting some new people it will get better.

I'm going to stick by her