Not coping with husbands depression

[10101]

I know this sounds incredibly selfish but I am really struggling with my Husbands depression.

we have been together for 9 years and have always been a close happy couple. This year we finally got married, bought a house and got pregnant ( all planned)

My husband started on medication for anxiety 8 months ago and eventually his medication changed as the original wasn’t working. He started acting very out of character drinking a lot, pushing his friends away making new friends who all wanted to drink and party, he started lying about things. One minute he hates me the next he couldn’t live with out me. He started telling his new friends our marriage was over yet never said anything to me. He started texting another woman saying he was separated and he really wanted to get to know her.They started arranging a camping trip just the two of them I found out about it before it happened and he said i was controlling him and not letting him have friends. I was devastated and left but then he begged me back saying he didn’t know why he was doing these things and needed help with his depression, he threatened to kill himself.

I came back and we went to his Dr, who changed his meds and referred him to a psychologist. It’s now two months later and the medication has helped he’s no longer suicidal but he hasn’t made an appointment with the psychologist as he thinks the meds are fine on there own.

He is all over the place one minute he’s loving and kind and is almost back to himself the next he’s drinking and telling me how he doesn’t love me and only with me for the baby.

I know this isn’t the same man I have been with for 9 years but I am struggling to cope. We have no family in Australia and I feel so alone, being pregnant does not help with my emotions but I feel so broken

Is it his depression talking or is it just really he doesn’t love me anymore? What should I do, I want to support him and I want him to be a Dad to our baby but I also think I can’t keep letting him treat me like this and at the moment it’s not a good environment to bring a baby into.

I just want the man back that I have known the last 9 years is that even possible ?

[smallwolf]

Hi 10101,

Welcome to beyond blue.

Interesting choice of name. Can you tell me why you decided on that number?

Depression can make us think the worst about ourselves and we might sometimes turn that onto our partners. I am not a professional, just another user on the forum with a mental illness. So I can only describe my relationship with the illness and family. The difference is that I looked for help. And am I the same person? Not really. Medication flattens my emotions, but they stop the feelings of anxiety and depression to a fair degree. But speaking with a therapist gives me ideas to cope the stresses I face in life.

But none of this will probably help you in dealing with your husband. While you might not have family over here, do you have any friends you can talk to?

I would also assume that you have spoken with your husband about the effects that his behavior is having on you? This would not be to load guilt onto him, but to make him aware that you are suffering also.

I feel that you don't really know whether you are coming or going, all because of the erratic behaviour of your husband.

How would your husband take it if you made an appointment to see a psychologist?

Of course, one possibility is to you explore your options with a counsellor? Looking at the pros and cons of staying vs going. In that environment you could work out ways of dealing with your husbands behaviour. This might also show your husband how much you are putting into the relationship, and might result in a change in him to get help?

There are similar to yours here...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/supporting-family-and-friends-with-a-mental-health-condition-(carers)/my-husbands-depression-is-destroying-our-marriage

https://www.youthbeyondblue.com/get-involved-and-help-others/connect-with-others/forum/depression/stay-or-go-life-with-a-depressed-partner

I am listening and there are no easy answers to these problems. If you want, please come back and chat some more if it helps.

Tim

[Ann1234]

Hi 10101,

i feel like i am in a similar situation to you and i feel just as hopeless and anxious about it as you are sounding. My Partner and I have been together almost 9 years and we got together at a time that wasnt good for either of us, but we worked through it and had a few years together that we fantastic. He got off medication and a new role at work and things were going well. Over the last few years though, he has become distant from me, angry at me alot, depressed and he says he thinks he hasnt loved me for a long time. I think its the depression talking, but i feel worthless and stupid for staying and hoping things will get better. We havent been intimate in over 3 years because he "just isnt attracted to me without feeling something" and this has left me very lonely and sad, but i have hope that we can make it work. By no means am i guiltless in our issues either! Im angry and argumentative and bad with money and although im doing my best to get better and communicate more, it just doesnt seem to be enough. if yu want to talk or just have someone who kind of understands where you are at, im happy and would welcome a kind ear.

All the best 10101.

X A

[smallwolf]

Hi Anne1234,

Welcome to beyond blue.

I want to give you a longer reply, but something else is getting in way presently. I hope to reply to you more later in the day. At this moment I want you to know that you are not alone in the is space as you can see, and there are similar stories in the Relationship and family issues section of the forums.

Hope you are OK?

Tim