No Space

[space2talk]

I'm really new to this. I've been seeing this person for 8 months, and he only had 2 good months, and has been pretty overwhelmed with work (and then life) since. 

How do you deal with not being able to share what is going on in your life? My partner is so overwhelmed or sad, and he shuts down... either building toy models or sleeping. When he comes up for air - once a week/every two weeks - it's only to talk about his own niche interests. Everything else is "too much."

When I talk about my life - work, decisions, university (mature learner) - he shuts down. He couldn't tell me who I spend time with, the name of the school I started working at 3 months ago, or which city I am working in. When I ask him about what is going on for him, he shuts down... and despite how much I support him, he's often snappy at me.

Our relationship is kind of revolving around how much juice he has, which revolves around his work satisfaction. How do you cope? 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Sorry to hear that, after less than a year have you reconsidered this relationship?  Let's talk about his activities.

My last partner had a hard time with my passion- model airplanes at the time. I didnt know I had mania though and stayed up till 2am in the morning building them, then up at 5am to go to work. The difference is we made time together and dated etc. When we went to counselling she complained about my hobby to the counsellor "he spends early morning on his hobby" to which the counsellor replied "have you got a passion"? ... "No".

So when someone has a passion it is consuming and they really shouldnt be taken away from it as it makes them happy. Partners of people with a passion dont understand it as they dont realise how this dedication is like. A hobby is less intense than a passion and it would be reasonable for those in a relationship to decrease their passion down (in time) to hobby level. It is very rare that you can have a passion and a relationship at the same time. Hence you might need to give him a choice.

The reason he "shuts down" is that his whole life is his passion and he is simply not interested in anything else. eg I had a model airplane friend that finally relented to take his wife on a camping trip. The got to the spot, set up the tent then she made a brew and he pulled out his balsa wood and glue.

Finally, you have a right to live life fully to your satisfaction as does he. The negotiations to get to live happily together is often a challenge but it is his responsibility to ensure you are content with lifestyle. If that isnt taken up then there is no real future. You are worthy of that happiness. Sorry.

TonyWK

[Maxey]

Hey there 

I’m compassionate about your situation. My relationship is also within the 12 month mark, my partner and I are in our 40’s with a bit of ‘baggage’ but we’re committed to a future before he became overwhelmed and distant (for details read my posts to save time)

I can’t offer much but support.  By nature I am loyal, loving and dedicated.  Life experience has put me in a space where I am receiving multiple levels of therapy and medication for trauma and as a guide I am on anti-psychotics to settle me through the days. 

I have windows where I feel solid and supportive and others where I am just mad or sad.  

I have a support crew who love me, and though I have seen them all through many hard stages of life I feel like I am a burden.

I feel like it’s my own personality that is driving me at this point.  I unequivocally love my partner and understand that he is not himself and am practising patience to see what the future holds.

I’m simply reaching out if you ever need space to talk 🙏🏽