New to forums - My husband recently diagnosed with depression says he no longer loves me

Helena92 · ‎03-11-2015

Hi My husband has recently been diagnosed with depression he says a major issue for him is he is not happy and thinks it is because he in not in love with me. He says he loves me and I am his best friend and we have a good intimate relationship. This to me came out of the blue. I new he seemed low some times he would come home and go straight to bed and hadnt been interested in spending time with me and kids for a while. I put this down to his job (he works as funeral assistant and attends accidents, and has seen many traumatic scenes as you might imagine, he has been working in this job for 15yrs. I find it very hard to cope, he hardly goes to work, and still seems keen to move out. But he hasnt yet as he cant make up his mind what to do. I am hanging in there on the off chance we can work it out as we have two young kids. I also feel his family blames me for his depression, and think his depression should be sorted out by now. Also he does sometimes have days where he will do renovating around house and not sleep at all for a couple of days is this normal for people suffering from depression.

Thanks

Paul · ‎03-11-2015

Hey Helena,

Welcome to Beyond Blue forums. I'm glad you've reached out. Caring for someone with depression can be extremely confusing and tiring. Sometimes your own health suffers.

There are some great resources here on the Beyond Blue website for friends and family of someone with depression. At the bottom of the page "For me" there's "Friends and family" lots of info there.

Regarding your husband and the marriage I can only offer that he needs time and space to explore his emotions and determine how he feels. Do you know if he has been receiving counselling or similar since he was diagnosed?

There's your emotions to look after as well Helena, I wonder if it would be worth considering having a chat to a counsellor yourself so that you have some support through this. If you need a hand finding a professional to talk to, again at the bottom of the page "Get support" then "Find a professional".

Look after yourself and let us know how things are going. I'm sure that there are other people on here who will have some keen advice as well.

Paul

Ellie05 · ‎03-11-2015

Hi Helena,

What a horrible thing to hear from your husband. My heart goes out to you.

Every situation is different but I can tell you that it is difficult to think clearly when you are suffering from depression. He might even be trying to push you away in an attempt to protect you. Perhaps it's worth seeing a counsellor together?

As far as I know it's normal to go days without sleeping if you have depression, although he may be suffering from anxiety which can make it difficult to sleep (and the two do often go together). I also wonder if this may indicate bipolar disorder? Although I have no experience of this illness so I could be way off.

Is your husband current seeking treatment?

Helena92 · ‎06-11-2015

Hi, My husband is currently on medication and is seeing a pschyotrist however they feel its best that we dont have marriage counselling as not at stage to relive his past. Its very hard and upsetting I don't know how long I can deal with the situation as it is.

geoff · ‎06-11-2015

dear Helena, I'm so sorry for you and the children to be in this situation, just as I'm sorry for your husband, however interfering parents can always be a hazard, because they believe that they know best, and what should happen, well maybe or maybe not, but when it's something that affects the immediate family, that is wife/husband and then children, it's up to them to decide what should happen, I know that it's not going to stop the parents from butting in, but this depends on how close you are with them.

There can be many decisions made by any psych, that is, psychologist or psychiatrist that you disagree with, but the problem is to convince your husband that it might be a good idea, however to tell your husband this, then it might not be an easy feat, because what ever the psych says he believes in, and will then disregard what you have to say.

Depression is just so awful, and what it can do to someone is unbelievable. Geoff. x

pipsy · ‎06-11-2015

Dear Helena. When someone has depression, it's not straight forward. Depression wears many 'hats.' Some people go into a frenzy of work to stop from thinking about how 'low' they feel. Some people take to their bed, pulling the covers over themselves so no-one else can 'see' them. People who suffer this debilitating illness usually feel so low about themselves they think they're not worth loving. They don't love themselves, how can anybody else. No matter how much others try to convince them they love them, depression makes them feel totally unlovable. In your situation, unfortunately, his parents are not helping. It's easier for them to blame you than it is to accept that they can't help him. There is no magic wand that can take away his feelings of no self worth. Is he seeing anyone for this illness (that's what it is). If not, I think it would be best if you could somehow get him to see a G.P to arrange counselling. Every thing you've said points to severe depression. From what you've said he also has severe mood swings, this is part and parcel of depression. A G.P could also arrange meds for him to help the mood swings. Maybe you could arrange a visit to the G.P first to explain your husbands mood swings. How he behaves when he's 'up'. By that I mean the work frenzies, the 'downs' low self esteem, feeling of not being worthy of love. This way, when the G.P sees him, he has a better idea how to talk to him.

Best of luck.

awolf · ‎06-11-2015

How awful for you dear!!! My hubbs has not said he is not in love with me anymore but this is exactly what his actions show me...and the house re-doing is completely him!! He will get so mad that the baby will grab the remote on the shelf and suddenly we are redoing the entire living room! It is exhausting and he also will come home and just be alone. He says hes going to sleep but ill peek in at him hours later and he will be on his laptop or phone. I guess the only advice i can say is in my situation, if my hubby was done, i would be done. I cant bust my butt for someone who isnt even claiming to be in love with me. Also, you arent alone and this could pass and improve!

Ellie05 · ‎07-11-2015

Hi Helena,

If your husband isn't open to couples counselling perhaps you should see your GP about getting a mental health plan so that you can get some counselling for yourself. It sounds as if you're going through a really rough time and having to deal with it mostly on your own. Just having someone to talk to who has no personal bias could really make a difference in helping you to cope.

Helena92 · ‎10-11-2015

Thank you all for your support and advice, I really appreciate it. My husband is on medication. My husband said he would be open to counselling however the pschyiactrist advised against it at this stage as he didnt want him reliving his childhood and work history. So I suppose I will just have to take each day as it comes. I might look at counselling for myself, not sure which type I should look into?

Paul · ‎10-11-2015

Hey Helena. Big Hugs! That's really hopeful.

How are you feeling about how things are going?

Here's a quick run-down of the type of help available from my own experience

GP - can offer short basic counselling and diagnose some illnesses. Can prescribe most medications

Psychologist - Can offer short and long term comprehensive counselling and diagnostics can't prescribe medication. You can ask your GP for a mental health plan for 10 free sessions with a psychologist

Psychiatrist - Is a Dr and specialises in psychiatric illnesses and treatment. Can diagnose, counsel and prescribe medicine.

Counsellor - Can offer short and long term counselling, can't prescribe medications. Can use mental health plan from GP with counsellors who have a "provider number"

The style of counselling, treatment and therapy offered by each practitioner can very by methodology and ideology. Generally most will offer a mix of Freudian interpersonal therapy and modern influences such as mindfulness/ACT.

The important part is to feel comfortable with a counsellor or therapist. If you don't feel comfortable with them, don't hesitate to seek out another therapist who you "gel" with.

Paul xx