New here - Borderline Personality Disorder

[mickr85]

Hi all,

Despite the username, my name’s Mike.

My wife is currently seeing a psychiatrist and the initial diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

I’m currently doing a bunch of reading as to how to support her. Reading a lot of things like “it’s not your fault”. But does anyone have any advice on when you ARE at fault and how to deal with this?

Thanks everyone,

Mike

[Quercus]

Hi Mike and a belated welcome to the forums.

Sorry it took a while for you to get a reply. At times posts slip through but that doesn't mean we don't care.

I wonder if you felt able to explain even a little what you meant by feeling you are at fault? Or did you mean you feel your wife is at fault?

BPD is at heart an illness. Yep we can manage our condition well or we can manage it poorly... But that doesn't change that it is a medical conditon.

Actions can trigger, help or hinder a person... I agree but I don't think I agree with the idea of it being possible to be at "fault". Noone chooses a mental illness.

Likewise we don't cause an illness in another. There are people who have been treated terribly who don't become unwell. And mental illness that appears in the happiest of life circumstances.

If you feel able to return I would love to hear more of your story and find out how we can support you best.

Nat

[mickr85]

Hi Nat and thank you for taking the time to reply to me.

I don’t wish to get into specifics but basically I kept something from her which has now come to light and I’m currently fighting to save our marriage.

Despite what I have done I know that our relationship can be repaired, and I’m trying to give her all the time and space that she needs to process things. I’m hoping that she calms down - it’s just hard hearing the things that she’s saying to me at the moment and I can’t help thinking that some of it is coming from the BPD. But I also fear that it’s not.

[Quercus]

Hi Mike,

Thanks for replying with more of yout story.There is no obligation to give details here ok. It is important to only disclose what you feel comfortable to.

What you've explained does help though. From what other members managing Borderline Personality Disorder have written I know one of the common recurring problems is with being able to trust others.

So it is understandable to me that your wife finding out you have kept something important from her could be an enormous trigger.

Trust is vital in any marriage. Even for someone who is well broken trust can be utterly devestating. Now imagine if you had BPD and struggled to trust to begin with...

It might help you to search the forums for threads about BPD especially those about relationships. Perhaps if you read posts by members with BPD it might help give you idea of how to go about rebuilding her trust.

You mentioned the psychiatrist and that is a good thing but have you considered therapy together? It might help to have the neutral third party guiding you both.

Another thing that came to mind reading your post was how you said your relationship is repairable. I wondered have you asked your wife her view? Does she feel that in time she can trust again and what sort of reassurance or changes would she need to stay and work on your marriage?

I hope you both can try again.

Nat

[mickr85]

Hi Nat and thanks again for taking the time to reply to me.

I typed a big reply to you last night but I decided against posting it.

What I will say though is that I had a counseling session on Monday for my issue, and my counsellor asked if she would come in for a joint session. I saw my wife on Monday night (not currently sleeping at home) and we had a good chat and she is slowly starting to understand where I was coming from, though I have hurt her immensely. She has agreed to come to a joint session which is tomorrow, so we shall see what happens from there.

Thanks Nat,

Mike

[Quercus]

Hi Mike,

Good luck for your therapy tomorrow. I hope it helps even slightly.

I don't see it as a bad thing necessarily that you're having time apart. Space and time can help as cliche as it may sound.

Hopefully what I wrote didn't upset you. I envy your ability to hit delete rather than post. I find it hard to censor myself it's either warts and or not at all.

Anyway I hope this makes even a little sense. My kids are going feral today.

Nat

[White_Rose]

Dear Mike

I join Nat in welcoming you to the forum. Good to know you are looking help and support.

Thanks for your explanations. As I read through the posts I was wondering, like Nat, about who was at fault so pleased you have cleared that up. People with BPD have big issues about trust. It may well have been something your saw/heard/was involved in when she was very young and has stuck with her ever since. If you have researched this you will know how difficult trust can be. I once read an article on BPD which said it was like having constant third degree burns all over your body. Sounds very nasty.

How is your wife coping with the separation and whose idea was it? I ask because if it was your idea does she see it as you wanting to leave her? Having some time apart and to start to rebuild your relationship sounds good. It's also good you have spoken to a counsellor. My best wishes for the counselling session and I hope it is productive. I look forward to reading anything you may want to say.

Mary

[mickr85]

Thanks Nat and thanks Mary for chiming in.

We had our session this afternoon and have another for next Thursday. Hopefully we can continue to talk in between now and then.

Nat - nothing you said upset me, don’t worry. I agree that time and space can be good, it’s been a week now and it’s getting harder and harder being away but I just have to wait it out until she hopefully decides that she wants to repair the relationship.

Mary - the separation was her idea.

What I’m learning is that knowing that I love her like no other and knowing that I’d never leave her, isn’t enough. I need to make sure that she knows this by my actions.