Need help with 21yo son depressed

Ozmum5 · ‎09-12-2018

We have a 21yo son who dropped out of school halfway through year 12 (fine with us but we did tell him he will need to find a job) he told us he had been having suicidal thoughts from the age of 15, we got him into a psychologist a few times. He has worked 6 months out of 3 1/2 years 😞 he plays on his computer most of the time, has no friends in real life. One of the problems we have is we have 3 other kids in the house and he swears when he’s playing the computer game and I know he’s addicted, My husband and he had a confrontation at 3am, I have just tried to talk to him but he just says he will go and live on the streets. I asked him if he would go back to counselling and he refused says it doesn’t help etc. I am at my wits end I don’t know what to do anymore 😢

Croix · ‎09-12-2018

Dear Ozmum5~

Welcome here to the Forum, and I'm very sorry to hear of the horrible situation you are in, any parent's nightmare.

After so long I'd expect he has developed a lifestyle revolving around computer games and isolation. Those games are their own world, simpler than normal life and with built-in rewards and challenges.

Obviously you would like him to have professional treatment, and I'm sure have already tried everything you can think of to get him there. Can I ask how you husband feels about this? I would think that any confrontation that makes your son feel he has to leave would be harmful.

I would also like to ask what support there is for you - and your husband too? Trying to cope with this ongoing situation is terribly hard and you can become ill yourself as a result of all the worry and stress. I'd suggest if you have not already done so to talk with your GP and maybe obtain counseling yourself. It does not hurt to have a medical eye kept on your own state, and you may also gain some professional views on your son too.

Do you have family or friends to support you too? To be in isolation when trying to deal with this is hard. It can help if there are others.

Sometimes involving a son in decision making, in showing a degree of acceptance and value of him can help. A road that needs a lot of patience. Are there any activities you might both enjoy together?

How do your other three children get on with him, is there any love and rapport there?

Something to aim for, though difficult to suggest, is a Safety Plan, a thing you fill in in advance and use when the urge to kill oneself becomes too great. Beyond Blue has a good one here:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

It allows the person with suicidal thoughts - and someone who knows them and they trust - to build up a kit on a smartphne, things that may make a person want to live, things that have been enjoyed, even a game I guess, plus people and of course emergency numbers.

If you can build up enough trust to do this it might be a means of lessening your own worry while giving him a measure of comfort.

I've not said much you would not have thought of for yourself, however please know you are not alone

Croix

Ozmum5 · ‎11-12-2018

Thanks so much for your reply.

i have managed to convince him to see our GP on Friday, thank goodness.

we don’t have a lot of support, I am estranged from my parents and my husbands parents are elderly and very old fashion anyhow which doesn’t help.

i also suffer from anxiety and depression, I am on meds and have done counselling in the past but I have good friends I can go to which is a godsend.

my hubby is frustrated with the situation and it doesn’t help that he and our son are alike. But in saying that he loves and cares for him and will do whatever it takes to get help for him.

i absolutely hate computer/ console games, they cause more damage than good. It is an addiction like drugs and alcohol and changes a persons mind.

hopefully our GP will be able to steer us in the right direction.

cheers!

romantic_thi3f · ‎11-12-2018

Hi Ozmum5,

Hope you're enjoying the forums so far (and kudos to Croix for the helpful post!).

I'm really glad that you've managed to get your son in to see the GP. I can see that even though you're naturally so frustrated you've never stopped caring about him or showing him that you care.

As a young person, I just wanted to say thank you for caring. Depression and suicidal thoughts are incredibly isolating and so I completely understand the urge to retreat into computer games. That right there is your son's best way of coping right now. So hearing that you hate it but you haven't taken it away is so important.

Keep taking care of yourself too, and all the very best with the GP.

Croix · ‎11-12-2018

Dear Ozmum5~

Getting your son to go to the GP is a very big win, it may not do that much the first time but if your son can feel he gets anything from it at all then he is liable to go again. As simple a thing as he and your GP forming a liking, or a feeling of confidence, could be enough for a start.

Frankly I found a deal of relief in confiding in someone I felt could make my life better, and up until I did I had vigorously resisted talking to anyone. Part of why I changed my mind was how bad my life had become and I finally wanted someone to make it better.

Romantic_thi3f has made an excellent point, even though you dislike computer games you have not tried to take them away. As Romantic_thi3f says, it is a means of coping and currently necessary, though hopefully the need will be less as time goes on.

I would think that the fact you have not done anything drastic in relation to them might be a reason your son could trust you - at least a bit.

I would also point out that computer games, while isolating, are not the worst thing your son could do. So many depressed and unhappy children have turned to drugs or alcohol both of which have worse effects on the body, mind and actions.

It sounds as if your husband has reacted with more frustration - understandable. Not knowing what to do makes it hard, particularly when one can see clearly how things should be. Fortunately love acts as a break. I'm sure he would not want to risk his son becoming homeless.

I'm glad you mentioned your own depression and anxiety. It underscores the fact you need to take care of you, so maybe you might consider if meds alone are enough at the moment. I find my perspective needs to be watched. When one has a family member in trouble one's own anxiety can make matters seem more hopeless than they really are.

Loving your son is so important, in that way he is lucky. He is also lucky to have a parent who tries so hard and is actually much stronger than she gives herself credit for.

Croix