My strength is slowly diminishing ...
I posted on here a few months ago and well I guess I just need to vent or some support or just be heard , I'm not sure. My husband of 4 years (been together 8 years) has mental health issues , he has been hospitalized before (early 2018) for a breakdown mostly induced from excessive use of marijuana and untreated childhood trauma. He has been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder but I also believe he has NPD. We have a 2.5 year old boy who is my absolute world.
The first few years of our relationship was very tumultuous and toxic. I myself suffer from mental health issues and anytime things got bad I would self harm(in the past) or think of worse. I'm not that person anymore. I have grown a lot since then and have better knowledge/tools to deal with stress/issues etc. However, eventhough it has been years, my husband continues to bring up the past calling me a suicidal w**re or worse names. Says he is feeling that way now because of me and I somehow poisoned him to think that way. I know it's not possible but there's only so many times you can hear the same detrimental thing over and over again. The past 1.5 years he has started smoking weed again along with making bad decisions, and he has again started being verbally and emotionally abusive towards me to the point I need to block his messages daily as it's very distracting at work and I'm trying to set boundaries. He blames me for every single thing gone wrong in his life to the point of him putting on weight, losing friends, not speaking to family, smoking weed, gambling, being anger and having bad thoughts towards me. Calls me every single name under the sun. And either gives me silent treatment and ignores me or just goes off on a rant to try and break me. Because I don't like to retaliate and cuss , I either ignore/block him or I speak to him in a supportive manner and remind him we are his support but he constantly calls me the devil and snake and manipulative woman. I am slowly losing my patience and I'm just over it as now I have my child I don't have the time or energy to waste on his toxic behaviour and by protecting myself and ignoring him, makes me feel like I'm doing more harm towards him by not being the constant support I always was. We are 35 years old and I want a partner someone I can talk to, who helps without being asked , who is reliable and empathetic, and I am just so angry now because he is none of it. And constantly blames me! I don't have intentions of leaving but I'm so sad
Don't our kids grow us beautifully?! They grow us into being more patient, loving, adventurous in certain ways, curious and questioning, wonderful (wondering about some amazing things) and the list goes on.
Husbands can also raise us in some outside the square ways, which I've come to discover with my own husband. While he's not horribly abusive and obviously degrading, he has tested me in many ways over the years. If there is one thing I am grateful to him for, besides being an excellent provider, it's how he's led me to become more conscious of disappointment.
While he's a huggy and kissy person who often proclaims to love me (which I believe he does in his own way), that's pretty much where the effort stops. Over the years I have faced the sadness that comes with no adventure or romantic weekends away, as he proclaims that's just not him (adventurous or romantic). I've faced the frustration and sometimes abusive arguments that can come when I push for necessary change and growth, frustration and arguments based on the fact he prefers to fight for sameness. I've faced a serious lack of excitement and wonder in a partner, based on the fact that he doesn't see the point in wondering and doesn't feel the need for excitement and as far as plans for the future go, he plans simply for us to grow old together. Bluerose, if you're anything like me, you'll want to be growing young (re-membering yourself) not growing old.
May sound strange but my husband has led to the art of 'disappointment'. Yes, I've discovered there's an art to it, a skill set. While once I appointed my husband to the roles of adventurer, romantic, visionary, wonderer etc, I've gradually come to disappoint him from these roles. I've also disappointed myself from the role of 'She who loves unconditionally'. May sound horrid, but I love conditionally. The condition of love for me involves loving actively, which I do wholeheartedly. It can't just be about words when you're raising a person through love.
If you wonder about the roles you've given to your husband over the years, are there some you could think of consciously disappointing him from? Perhaps the best place to start involves the roles he refuses to fill. Maybe 'He who will grow/evolve with me'. I bet that's a role your child will be more than happy to fill. What roles would you like to disappoint/free yourself from?
Disappointment can be a painful process, involving some grief, yet it can also be gradually liberating.
I'm really sorry to hear that you're still suffering. I admire your persistence and the continuous unconditional love that you're providing to your husband, despite the hurl of abuse that he has thrown to you. It's also great to see that you've requested your husband to leave and stay with his dad. That's a really courageous move of you, and a sense of your inner self shouting to you for some self-love. Perhaps some time away from each other may give you both some space to process thoughts as well.
Have you thought about taking Sophie_M's suggestion and contacting 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or visit https://www.1800respect.org.au/ ? While it may be intimidating to be seeking out professional help, they'll be able to give you some great advice on how to proceed forward with your current situation. If it helps in any way, think of it as, you're contacting 1800RESPECT for the sake of everyone in your household (that includes you, your children, and your husband).
I wish I was there with you, encouraging you to have more of a vent, one of those vents that takes you all the through to finally seeing only the best in yourself.
I actually feel myself on the verge of one of these kinds of vents. I suppose if you were to call it 'a significant emotional vent', in a way you could then say it's a major e-vent (event) in your life, one that involves letting go of a lot of the pain, a lot of the loss. Kind of like an enormous overwhelming heart wrenching sobbing cleanse in some way. it's a way of letting go of a lot of the lies we've come to kind of, in some way, believe about our self. The lies may be 'You're unreasonable, you're a bi#ch, you're too challenging, you make my life so hard' and so on. Venting this kind of stuff makes way for the truth, perhaps 'You're reasonable in ways that simply aren't recognised, you're intolerant of neglect and abuse, you're challenging in all the ways you need to be, hardship is most difficult when there is resistance' and so on.
I'm wondering if you can relate: It's hard to have a clear positive vision of the future when fear can feel overwhelming. For me, there are times where I see my life without my husband and I see financial struggle and hardship, which I fear. The part time job I have will not be enough and I will have to leave it in search of full time work. I do enjoy my job to some degree. I fear having to lose that job in favour of another. Even though we don't have much to do with each other, I fear the loneliness will challenge my mental health. There are times where I think 'Better to be with someone than alone'. Again, I wonder if you can relate in some ways.
I also wonder whether the part of you that wants to make it work is the part that sees the best in people, the part that sees that others can change, the part that feels responsible for making things work, the part that loves love and wants to feel it so deeply, the part that hopes and the part that holds so much more of the good stuff. I believe this is the part we carry with us no matter who we are with or without. Without him, this is still you - you who seeks and sees the best, the need for change, responsibility, love, hope an so much more.This is the truth of who you are. Whether you decide to remain with him or not, remember his words do not change the truth.