My BPD lover is freezing me out

Reef01 · ‎16-12-2017

I’m in a relatively new relationship with a woman who has BPD (PTSD also), and since her recent PTSD freeze response during sex, she has effectively frozen me out of her life.

She insists that she is still there for me, and just needs time to re-centre herself, but it is becoming clear to me that she is putting up a wall between us. Where once (very recently) she was warm and caring, she now acts quite coldly, almost as though she’s on a slight ego trip and enjoying watching me squirm to try and keep her in my grasp.

I’m finding myself slipping and losing my mojo as the power base in the relationship becomes unbalanced. I’m trying to not act emotionally and present myself as strong and relyable for her, but i’m choking at this and I feel her losing respect for me.

I fear i’m spiralling into my own mental health issue just trying to cope with being massively in love with a person with this issue(s).

Has anyone got any advice for me? When I think about breaking it off with her, or her dumping me, I go to water as i’m in pretty deep emotionally, and after a really rough 2017, feel like I can’t take another harsh blow.

She tries to reassure me that it’s just a wave and I have to ride out the changes, but I feel like it’s settling into a permanent change and i’ll Never get this beautiful amazing lover back.

Croix · ‎19-12-2017

Dear Reef01~
Sorry to you had to wait so long, sometimes it happens, no reflection on you, your problem sounds a most upsetting and serious one.

I guess whatever the mental state of the people involved any meaningful relationship has to satisfy the needs of both people. I'd see that as each loving the other, wanting the best for them so they are happy secure and loved. Going out of their way to make that happen. It also includes most importantly trust.

From what you say that is not happening here, in fact it has got to the stage where you half suspect your friend is becoming manipulative and on an ego trip. That is no way to be. Irrespective of if you are correct or not it means things have gotten to the stage where trust has been dealt a pretty sharp knock. You did mention you have talked over the matter with her.

Your friend has said she needs time to re-center herself, whatever that means. In the meantime you are left hanging. While I do not have BPD I have a feeling the illness may sometimes make for relationship difficulties. I also understand it is treatable - as is PTSD.

I have PTSD and by itself it has never caused me to blow hot or cold , though lack of sexual desire was certainly part of it.

If you would like to know more about BPD then I'd suggest looking on this Forum here (Google "BPD beyondblue"), and also Sane Australia's website information area. PTSD similarly on the Forum here or in our The Facts menu above.

I guess it all comes down to your own strength and how you see the future. At present your friend’s actions, as opposed to her words, are causing you distress. Perhaps you need to give thought to how much you are prepared to take, bearing in mind the toll it is taking in you.

You did mention breaking off, and how that would affect you. Do you think a simple separation for a while might be the way to go? Not as drastic as breaking off and will not leave you in fresh unhappy situations every day.

I’d strongly suggest that if your friend is not under medical treatment for these illnesses then she should be encouraged to start. I found with my situation things did not improve until I had medical help.

If you wold like to come back and talk more you would be very welcome

Croix

james1 · ‎19-12-2017

Hello Reef,

It certainly sounds like your relationship is really under a lot of strain, as are you trying to deal with it.

As Croix mentioned, medical treatment is very important for BPD and PTSD because a lot of the issues tend to be automatic or habitual and they do not go away without the right treatment.

As someone undergoing treatment for BPD, the best suggestion I have is to put her needs aside for the time being. Push/pull is certainly a common trait, and it does come in waves, but I put emphasis on waves. It's not usually a one-time thing, even when we are aware that we do it. BPD is a collection of habits, not one time occurances.

So you need to focus on your health first. You said you don't think you could deal with another blow in 2017. I'm really sorry it's been a tough year. Do you have anyone you can speak to? Even though there aren't many days left in 2017, I am concerned that the fear of breaking up is going to hold you back from putting yourself first in 2018 as well.

James

Reef01 · ‎20-12-2017

Thank you James and Croix. To answer your common question- yes she is getting treatment and has made substantial headway in the last couple of years.

I appreciate your care and advice, but it appears we are now a thing of the past. I have the slightest of hopes that we may come back together in some form of relationship/friendship in the future, but sadly it is not a strong hope, as she really needs to take care of herself, and my being in the picture is not an ideal way of doing that.

I will try and take care of myself also, and pray that 2018 is a smoother ride for both this amazing lady and myself.

Much love and respect to the two of you.

Croix · ‎20-12-2017

Dear Reef01~

I guess the conventional thing might be to say I was sorry your relationship is most probably over, however actually I think it might be the best thing.

As I mentioned a relationship had to make you feel secure, valued and loved. When you posted here it was obvious that was not really happening.

You are caring and sensitive person and I have no doubt at all that in time you will find someone who you can lean on with confidence, as they will be able to lean on you.

I am glad your ex-GF is under treatment and it is having some effect. It may well be she is not at the stage where she is ready for a serous relationship.

Now you have a hard part to play. To recover form this most unfortunate set of circumstances and re-build your life. May I suggest that even if you don't feel like it you go though the motions of socializing and contact with others. Not only will it be a distraction but will in time turn you mind to other things.

Please lest us know how you go

Croix