Long distance relationship depressed boyfriend

[m3456]

My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. We really missed a lot each other, but we managed really good for a year, the time we needed apart. Everything seemed so righ, and going okay, we have a very intense and close relationship. He was just about to come visit, and after that, I was to be moving to his place, so we could finally be together. One week ago he broke down, he said out of blue that needed to talk to me, that things were umbearable, he started doubting our relationship and us. I was crushed, trying to understand. He started saying of maybe not coming to see me, and my life just became a nightmare. I was trying to understand and show that he was wrong, that we were so close to see, that we should do it, it would made things better and insecurity would fade away. Through conversantions, he started to change his narrative, and told me he thought something was wrong with him, that he felt lonely and sad all the time, that his life was miserable, that he did not love himself anymore, that he felt numb, apathic and could feel nothing for anything. He said it was not me, or our relationship, but him. I know his going through difficulties in his med course. Now, he is slowly driving me away, and asking for space, and being distant. When I asked, he said he did not know if he want to breakup. It is being really hard to give him space.He would go to the psychiatric friday, and we went three days without talking. He did not told me how was with the doc, which upseted me, but I tried to keep the space. Monday I send him a generic message, just saying i hoped he was ok, and he engaged conversation like everything was normal. The problem is that I was not good because of the distance too, so I had a horrible breakdown of depression and anxiety. I went to the doc, and im currently on meds, which are in the beginning and making me feel worst. So latter, I went to talk to him again, but asking stuff. It was much better conversation, it seems his already better, and he told me his doc said he needed this week to try to find himself again, the things he liked before, the things he likes alone, and he has some sort of homework to do alone, to discover something. I feel desperate about it, that he might be trying to see his life without me, that he will discouver its mine and the relationship fault, and that he must end everything and just forget me. I dont want to loose him, he is really important, and an amazing person, like ive never seen before.

[geoff]

Hello M, it's always sad to read when one of the people from a couple breaks down with depression, especially when it's in a long distance relationship.

What normally happens is that the person feels as though they need to stop the r/ship temporarily, although it may seem to be a lifetime for you, while they try and get the help they need.

Communication between the two of you maybe stalled, and as much as you feel upset by this he will need this time,however, it won't stop you from texting him messages, saying that you love him and will be there to talk to whenever he wants to.

With the medication, you are taking it may take a few AD's before you find the one that works, this is what you to have to continue to do with your doctor, because once you find the one that works, you will start to feel better.

Ask your GP if they can refer you onto a psychologist using the mental health plan which entitles you to Medicare rebates for up to 10 sessions per year.

It would be great to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[m3456]

Hi Geoff, thanks so much for replying, it is really good not to feel alone.

It is indeed seeming like a lifetime. I'm already thinking he might not love me anymore, that he lost interest. I'm feeling rejected and unwanted, and so scared that when he engage conversation with me again, it will be just to end everything, that the exercises the doctor recomended him will just make him realizes that he does not want to be with me anymore. I feel hopeless.

I talked to my doctor and she said it will get worst in the beginning, that i need to wait a few weeks to feel the result of the medication, but deep down I just wanted him to come talk to me normally, like we used to, and everything would be ok.

[White_Rose]

Dear M3456

Welcome to the forum. This is a good place to talk about what upsets you and to read about other people. I hope you will stay with us for a while.

The end of a romance is very sad and so often one person feels broken hearted. You have not parted ways just yet and your BF may remember he loves you. I gather from your first post that your BF may be depressed. Is this the case? I ask because leaving a partner is what so often happens in this situation. When someone is depressed they can feel they are being burden on others especially their spouse or partner. In a way it's saying he loves you very much but doesn't want to make you unhappy with what's happening to him.

It doesn't make sense to you because you feel you care about him and will help him get well again. It's not logical but it happens so often and tends to be men doing this not the ladies. People with depression push others away and say they want space to think about how they are travelling. You say he is seeing a psychiatrist on Friday. I hope he will tell you how it went and that he feels it was positive.

Something that will not work is begging him to stay. At this time he really does need to not think about the future, either with you or without you. It's too far ahead and he busy coping with today. That's all he can manage. Do you know if anything has happened to him recently. Failed exams, not sure he wants the career he is studying for, scared of a commitment. These are large areas of his life and if he doubts he is doing the right thing it's going to absorb him until he can work out what he wants.

You can help him by gently offering support and not trying to push him into any decision making about anything. I know this will be hard on you but he is struggling hard also. Start at the home page and explore this site. There is lots of information about depression here plus various stories and how to support someone with depression. I think you will find this information very helpful.

Don't push him into any decisions because he will take the separation option. Be patient and caring until he is well enough to make these kinds of decisions.

Mary

[AnnabelLee]

Hello m3456


I dont have much advice but just wanted you to know that i read your post and sympathise with you. I also understand how you must be feeling since im going through something very similar.


Unfortunately my understanding is that if somebody is depressed and especially if it’s long distance thing there is not much you can do. We want to help them, ‘fix’ them but in reality it doesn’t work like that.


As i said i dont have much advice however one thing i can suggest is for you to focus on yourself. Yes i know how hard it is, im often failing miserably myself, but i know thats the best thing i can do in fact. Trying to push, convince, beg wont work in fact may have opposite effect. Now im not saying to give up on him. But just try to live your life like if he wasnt there right now, but will return one day. Because if he was in army, or jail or coma he wouldnt be available around. So you would have to live your life temporarily without him, hoping that one day you will reunite.
Obviously somewhere down the line you may need to set a time limit because you cannot live your whole life a fantasy relationship in your head. But I wouldn’t worry about it right now.


I really dont know if that helps at all, im sorry if it doesnt. It does for me little bit, so im hoping you can take something from it as well.


Hope you doing well. Take care

N.

[m3456]

I would like to thank everybody for taking your time to help me. I thought it would be nice to give a reply of how things went on. After one month of hell and worrying, things got umbearable and weird, so I confronted him, he just acted like a child, said I ruined all the relationship by myself, blocked me and after a few hours I received from friends that he posted he was on a relationship with another girl. That was how I discovered everything was a lie. Not only his depression, but the last two years of my life, where I loved someone that probably did not exist and had a cold heartless person manipulating me.

[geoff]

Hello M, it's really good of you to reply back to us and what has happened must be so upsetting for you, to be conned by a pretend boyfriend leading you through these last few weeks/months is annoying and certainly not how he should have behaved, especially to you who so longed for his companionship, I am truly sorry.

Have you made any plans for Xmas or can you celebrate with your family/friends, and please let us know if you can.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[m3456]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for asking. Yes, I'm already at my parents house, trying to put my pieces together. I will spend xmas with them and maybe new years with friends, just not sure yet if i'm ready for it. It is being really stressfull for me. I had a lot of plans for us this month, and was counting on him for much things. It is hard to discover that he was not the person I thought, the amount of lies he told was umbelievable.

But it's ok, I'm taking my meds, being with my family, healing my heart...one day I will be better.

Best wishes for you too.

[geoff]

Hello M, oh thanks so much for getting back to me.

It must be so pleasing for you to have plans in place and that's something different you have missed from the past, but now you are in control of yourself and can make your own plans, do what suits you or change your mind, does that matter, no way, you have gained that strength.

I think that's terrific, enjoy your Xmas, but please reply as it would be lovely to hear back from you, you've achieved so much.

Geoff.