Life on Hold - Partner Suffering Anxiety and Depression

[RubyDiamonds]

I'm a 32F currently supporting my partner 36M with his anxiety and depression.

We've been together for a few years now and are extremely close and get along really well. When we first met he was confident but really caring and thoughtful and couldn't wait to make plans with me for our future. About 18 months ago he was having constant anger issues, even over minor things. Then around the middle of this year, he completely changed. His anger disappeared and he is now depressed and anxious most of the time.

I suspect he may have had the anxiety before but it manifested through his anger. He's basically lost all of his confidence, is quiet, withdrawn, unable to function without guidance and is regularly paranoid that he's got health problems.

We sought medical advice fairly early on and he was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. He didn't really respond to psychological therapy, but has been on anxiety medication. He started on medication and became dependent on it and was withdrawing daily, so we've switched him to a different medication and he's tapering off it now under medical guidance. The Dr has been strongly encouraging him to take an SSRI but he refuses.

Throughout all of this, he hasn't worked, so we have been relying on my salary for the past ~5 months. He seemed to think that he'd be fine once he got off the medication, but he's beginning to suffer now that the dosage is so low and is now not able to sleep. He also thought he'd be better if he went back to work, so he's been doing that, and he doesn't seem any better. Part of the reason he now gets upset and feels low is because of the money he's lost by not working.

We've had to postpone our wedding that was booked for next year because he just doesn't feel like he is going to be better and because of the cost. He promises me we will eventually get married though and that he absolutely still wants to.

I just don't know where we go from here. Nothing seems to be helping, we're just going in circles, and now our lives are completely on hold. We can't make plans, get married or anything like that. I can't even talk to him about making plans for Xmas because it overwhelms and upsets him.

I understand that he needs to focus on each day, but I'm not an 'in the moment' kind of person. I have always worked hard so I can plan for the future. I want to marry him and start a family and I feel like time is against us.

I feel absolutely awful and selfish for feeling this way, but I can't help it.

[smallwolf]

RubyDiamonds,

Hello and welcome to beyond blue.

I hope you dont mind if I pick up on a couple of points in your post. But I have to (?) give you a little background... I have been seeing a psychologist since Oct '17. In Apr '18, a psychiatrist was added to my "team" when I started having suicidal thoughts and started on ADs. My psychologist changed is pre-sleep routine, but it was my psychiatrist that completed things for me. You mentioned he is not able to sleep. My psychiatrist put me onto a thing called "sleep hygiene", and she does not like that term much, but I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking about work. And something as simple as not drinking coffee after 4pm helped. That was only part of my puzzle. Just something to think about before getting other help for sleep related problems.

There are also resources on the beyond blue web site for partner. If you have not checked, here is the link...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone

You might also get ideas from the threads also...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/supporting-family-and-friends-with-a-mental-health-condition-(carers)/need-advice-to-cope-with-depressed-partner

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/supporting-family-and-friends-with-a-mental-health-condition-(carers)/struggling-to-find-best-way-to-support-a-partner-with-depression-help!-

If you want to find other articles, try this search in google "beyond blue support for partners". Of course, chatting here can be helpful also. Hopefully you will find something in the above thread that might help you?

Final comment on "lost money". We all have our own view on such things. I have a friend that works in a Govt department, that wants to retire sooner rather than later. Occasionally his jobs gets stressful, and sometimes crazy hours. My attitude is that I don't mind if I work til I die, as long as there is balance in my life. And maybe if you put that "lost money" in the context of earnings over life, or that you are both in this together. What I am trying to say in this limited space, is to reframe the idea of lost money.

Hope you get something from this,

Tim