I broke up with my bf and he realised he has depression

[whitemagnolia]

HI,

I've just recently broken up with my bf (1wk ago) and at the breakup he told me he had been feeling miserable for awhile now.

Background> He told me 6 months ago that he didnt know what he wanted for us and didnt feel the same anymore. This would go on for the next 6 months and he never wanted to talk about it. He would get angry when I brought it up. I would be sad, he would ask whats wrong. If i told him he'd get angry. If I didnt, hed get angry. I had an IUD which altered my hormones sometime ago before all this and it put me in depression. I recognised my change and got it removed. He fessed up that it had greatly impacted him and he didnt know if he could get over it. So i blamed myself for the fall of our rship. I was really sad and then feelings of grief for my mums death arose again. So i went to get some professional help. I meditated and worked on myself to change whilst trying really hard to get our rship back on track. But it felt like he wanted to a miracle and was doing nothing but waiting for it. He then got a Job offer which we had planned for to goto another city but then would hear bad things about the job. So he started to feel like he might not want it, but he didnt want to disappoint anyone. He never spoke about me joining him even though it was OUR dream. We hardly spoke about his move and he would get angry if i raised it. It was very hot and cold and we started sleeping in different rooms. My heart was broken. But i tried everyday to make it better. Then came May where we had booked a trip with friends overseas. And immediately after he was to move to the new city. The trip was great and it felt like we were better. Then he moved . I would ask him how he liked it.. how ppl were. And he would shut me down and told me to stop asking him and he had just moved there. When he called me it felt like a chore. He would call but he spoke to me like i was a friend. I kept telling myself that he had alot on his shoulders and thats why hes reacting. Til i couldnt anymore and it was draining me. So i called him and told him how it made me feel. And i couldnt do it anymore because i felt like i was adding stress, pressure and a burden. I love him so much but it was tearing me apart. He then told me he was miserable for some time and had gotten worse since he got there but didnt want to tell me. He told me that its now he realises he needs help. I feel bad I didnt see the signs and im leaving when he needs me most. Did I do everything wrong?

[Rosie_]

Hi. It sounds like you've been through a really hard time. Parts of what you wrote are identical to what happened to me a year ago. At that time I was wishing that i had your courage to end a relationship that was making me miserable - even though I loved him. You can still support him as a friend and maybe now that your boyfriend is acknowledging his depression he can work on himself honestly and if you do get back together in the future he will be able to be a better partner.

Please dont blame yourself for not "seeing the signs" or leaving when he is in a bad place - if anything it sounds like he pulled away. We can only do our best at the time with what we have.

[whitemagnolia]

Thanks Rosie,

I hope he is seeking some kind of help. At this time I am not in contact with him, but i have spoken to his sister about it. Just reading about depression makes me realise why some things were happening. Like it all makes sense now. I wish i had handled it differently. It always was strange that he held on to us even though he was so distant. Like he could still say he loved me at his angriest. But was just incapable of feeling that emotion and so blamed it on us not having any kind of connection anymore. I Think there was so much change that thats what we focused on. I am hoping that he beats this and we do reunite.

[Croix]

Dear Whitemagnolia~

I think that Rosie is right and that you have absolutely nothing to blame yourself for. I'd go further and say I don't think you had that much choice. If over long term you are faced with anger whenever you speak seriously it does not leave you anywhere to go.

Blaming yourself is so common. My wife did that when I became ill, and it took a while and explanations from my psychiatrist to sort that out. Feeling he was not prepared to do anything and you were the only one trying for the relationship sounds quite reasonable under the circumstances, and this will most probably have left you feeling he did not value the relationship himself or our efforts.

That holiday must have seemed so full of hope. Unfortunately holidays can be artificial places where pressures are off and distractions abound. The return to everyday life and that move and his subsequent behavior must have been heartbreaking.

People do not have labels you can see saying 'depression' or 'needs medical help'. These are things they have to discover and act upon, if they are fortunate with the help of someone who cares, but nevertheless they have to be the one who does the doing.

It may be getting medical help will change him around and you may get together again as you hope, however your breaking off when faced with anger, secrecy and indifference to your feelings really had to happen.

Croix

[whitemagnolia]

Hi Croix.

Thank you for replying to me. I am going through the emotions. I know what I have done is for the best. I've been going through the motions. Some days I feel for myself. The weight is lifted and I'm not sitting in limbo anymore, not walking on eggshells and not second guessing everything.

You're right, it did feel like he did not value our relationship and didn't see the efforts. I gave him space and he kept saying he didn't feel like he had space. And because I felt like the problem was us or me, I did what he asked for. I didn't want to let it go but it seemed like I was the problem and I added to his pressures.

The holiday definitely gave me hope and heartbreak.

I still worry and hope he is getting through it. I know its what he needs now. And maybe it wasn't depression that broke our relationship. Maybe it was just us and we grew apart.

Thank you Croix and Rosie for the reassurance that i've done the right thing.

[Croix]

Dear Whitemagnolia~

In your posts you have come across as a sensitive and sensible person (if little too inclined to blame yourself, something many of us do) and deserve a partner that really does appreciate you and makes efforts on your behalf.

I'm sure that will happen

Croix