Husband suffers from depression but wont seek help

[EdenH]

Hi guys,

I've joined this site to get some insights/advice from people who have been in my situation o n both sides of the coin. I'm 34 and have been married for 18 months and been with my husband for 2.5 years. We have a 9 month old daughter. We're both from the UK so have no close family to reply on.

My husband suffers from depression which up until now I have been able to deal with. Now we have a child I am finding it harder and harder to keep it together and put up with a husband that has seemingly checked out of the life we are creating. He has no enthusiasm or motivation to do anything. Isn't interested in me sexually let alone holding a decent conversation. I've noticed that lately he has taken a turn for the worse. He's not been himself for a while now and it's causinhg me to be miserable.

I try to make things as nice and happy as I can at home and take on the load, he works late and gets stressed with work, ends up not seeing our child at all and falls asleep on the couch. He is also always tired and I've given up suggesting going to bed early and not falling asleep on the couch.

I know he is struggling as he told me but I am too and I've reached my limit. I've had enough. I'm feeling crap myself, and like I'm doing everything for the family.

My husband has been medicated before I knew him but came off them as he said they made him 'numb'. He's also spoken to someone a long time ago but again says it was a waste of time and money.

I have suggested speaking to someone about it but he's not interested. He said that with exercise and sleep he'll be good again. I know these things will help but they wont address the underlying issue.

We do the same dance every 6-9 months and I've had enough of it. I'm willing to go to counselling but he just wont.

I'm rambling and if you've made it this far well done to you!

I just really need some advice on how to deal with this as I feel my health is being compromised and I cannot allow that to happen, especially now I have my child to think about.

I'm seeing a counsellor next week (alone). If anything at least I can get some coping strategies, but to be honest, if things don't improve then I will leave and I have told him this.

Thanks for any advice x

[Chris_B]

Hi EdenH, welcome to the forums.

A good place to start is our Have The Conversation page. This includes resources and tips on how to speak to a loved one about their depression, including in situations where they are reluctant to acknowledge the issue or seek professional help.

You might also want to reach out to other members who are going through a similar situation in the threads below:

My husband won't seek help

How do I get my husband to seek help?

My partner denies he is depressed and won't seek help

My depressed husband won't get help

Husband won't get help

[EdenH]

Thank you for the links and your prompt reply Chris B. I will have a look there now 🙂

[geoff]

dear Eden, hi and thanks for joining the forum.

All those links that Chris has provided for you will somehow be of help to you which is good, but some you may have read a few times.

You are doing everything possible to try and make his life easier, but unfortunately not even this will help someone with depression.

I just wonder whether he is actually suffering from PND, because every one's life immediately changes once we have a young child born, and because he has suffered from this illness before the probability of getting depression again could be high.

You have to remember that all new mums life is always so full each day, and add to this your husband/partner is struggling by an illness that has no regret for anyone, this only makes your job seem to be a mammoth one, well actually it is.

With the thought of you and the baby leaving him could push him into getting counselling and then go on medication.

I am by no means suggesting you do this as it will put more pressure onto you, but from what you have said it sounds as though he needs professional help, and if he believes that his current doctor has been the same for years then I suggest that he clicks onto 'Get Support' at the top and find a doctor that he believes will be of help to him.

He has to remember that times have changed enormously when it comes to medication and doctors who specialise in mental illness, so that the so called help he got years ago can be much better these days. L Geoff. x

[EdenH]

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for your reply.

I told him I loved him yesterday but that I need to look after my health and wellbeing because of our child. His response was 'we'll get back on track this weekend' . It's like he doesn't realise there's a deeper issue here. I gave him the BB # and said he was welcome to come to the counselling session I have booked for next week. He didn't respond.

I can only do so much, it's got to the point that we're still not talking to one another except hi, bye, yes please and no thank you.

We just had an argument about our child's passport photo. I went out for a 2 hour walk just to get away from the atmosphere as it's awful.

He says he's not doing well yet will happily go out after work and drink knowing full well doing that makes it worse. I'm angry and quite frankly done.

I'm going to try and stay with a friend over the next few days. I don't want to disrupt our child's routine but I certainly cannot stay here living like this. It's making so down and miserable.

Any advice on where to go from here?? x

[pipsy]

Pipsy here.  I'm wondering if your husband feels inadequate to help care for a baby.  Did you discuss this before you had the baby.  Have you any idea what started the depression?  Obviously, since he's had it for a while, something has caused it to resurface.  He's drinking, possibly to cover how he's feeling.  Alcoholics drink to 'hide' from feelings of inadequacy.  The constant sleeping is depression, but it's also a means of escape.  Does he get angry?  I think getting away from him for a while is a good idea, but, be open to discussion about anything he wants to talk about.  Maybe he feels inadequate sexually, this doesn't help the 'blackness' that surrounds him.  He needs help, so do you.  He will only get help when he admits he needs it.  Pushing him in any way could push him away altogether.  Always remind his daughter he loves her, he probably won't say it, a lot of men can't admit their true feelings, they see it as a sign of weakness.  What do you know about his family/upbringing?  I wouldn't contact them, that's betrayal.  He does need your support the same as you need his.  Be there for him, ask nothing, expect nothing.  Whatever happens, it's meant to. 

Sorry I can't give you a magic wand.   

[doyoulikemyhat_]

Hi Eden

I've just joined this forum myself today asking for similar help so I'm in a similar boat.

I hope you managed to get some time out. Its so hard to contemplate walking away when you have children and the guilt of them not being 'ok'.

My husband is on medication but tried the exercise and sleep thing at first in a phase of denial. Of course it doesn't help really, there's more at play.  The meds have helped but they aren't a magic formula.

I'm a few years on in the process with older children but I'll be reading your thread to see if anyone has any advice I can also take up.

Best wishes.

[EdenH]

Hi doyoulikemyhat,

Thanks for your response, sorry for the delay in getting back to you!

We talked and I was open and honest with him about how I was feeling. He listened and seemed to take it on board but really I think he was just trying to shut me up. Things over the last 6 weeks have been better but not great. I have a feeling it's an act as he's still unhappy but is 'trying' to show more interest in doing stuff as a family.

I don't know, he gets so defensive when I try and talk about problems in our relationship, more recently the intimacy. I feel neglected and very insecure and just need some reassurance from him that it's not me. He got angry and said I was focusing on myself while he was going through 'this'. I don't know what to do anymore. I told him last night that I gave up. I'm to blame for everything it seems. He said he doesn't have the capcity to think about sex or anything other than work but I know that he does take care of himself other ways. I'm hurt and confused.

Any advice would be great or if you know what I can say or do as our last conversation was last night in bed and ended up with me in tears. I was angry, upset and so hurt and still am.

Thanks

[EdenH]

Hi Pipsy,Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. Thank you for your response. The last six weeks have been marginally better after I told he I had had enough and that I couldn't take it anymore and that I think he should talk to someone. My husband was initially interested in seeing a doctor/counsellor but essentially I think he was just agreeing to shut me up as he hasn't shown any interest in going or asked me how I'm going with the counsellor. His behaviour has changed in the sense that he's chipping in more and getting more involved but it's all a cover up.I don't think the baby is the cause or trigger, of course things have changed but he says that's all fine. He absolutely hates his job and the people there so that is effecting him badly. He says this is the reason for his mood (this time). He has no interest in anything and has said he doesn't want to buy new clothes or find any joy in anything as work takes over so there's no room for anything else 😞 including intimacy although he seems to find the energy to satisfy himself in other ways, much to my disappointment/hurt. He doesn't talk much about his upbringing but doesn't speak to his parents and now his brother. He does seem to lose his rag over the smallest thing and gets very defensive. I am always to blame whenever there's a blow up because of my 'immaturity'. I have seen a counsellor but only got to her once so far as the times clash with my daughters naps. The first session was good/helpful but I just don't see it changing my situation, only helping me cope...if that's what I want. I don't know anymore...

[Who_knows_]

Hey Eden,

i know your post was a while back.. Just touching base to see how things went or are going?

love and light