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Husband is depressed and had ended our marriage

RachelW
Community Member

Hi all
my husband of almost 11 years has been suffering with depression and anxiety for the last year.

I wasn’t fully aware of how bad it had got and now he has hit rock bottom.
Back story - we recently signed up to build our 1st family home.
literally from the moment we signed we have had nothing but issues , and increases in the price. I think that this has been the main trigger for my husbands depression , with the pressure he is under to support his family as well as come up with almost $30k extra for this house before it’s complete .

I don’t work , I wanted to work but with 3 of our kids being under school age , it would mean having to pay 3 day care fees and with him being fifo and earning too much we don’t get much CCS from Centrelink so he said it was pointless, I now no that I need to be working to help him by taking some of this financial burden from him. I feel terrible that it has got this bad.
This all came out last week when he told me he know longer loved me and didn’t want to be with me anymore.

I am absolutely devastated.
he has also said that he has no love for himself and also our kids which killed him to admit and he hates himself even more for this . I have told him it’s not him, it’s the depression.
I have told him that I am going to support him and I am going to get him better . I have told him that I will not give up on him or us.
He wants me to help him and he has told me that he wants to love me but he feels dead inside , feels worthless and he just can’t see a way back from his depression.

I am struggling everyday with my feelings, terrified that even if he is able to get out of this dark place , there will still be no love for me there and I will have to go through this heart ache again. I tell him every day I love him and he says he likes to know that I haven’t given up on him. He can’t say it back though as he doesn’t want to lie to me 😞
He feels he may have BPD , so I have said I will get him an app with his GP. He is on medication, which has just been increased .
I just want him to get better and back to how he was last year before this house ruined his head .
I have contacted Centrelink and filed as a single parent which is killing me to say, now I need to find a job so I can help with paying this money that is weighing him down , in hope that he may start to feel the pressure on him lift . I know it’s going to be a long journey .

Any advise welcome x

Rachel x

15 Replies 15

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Dear RachelW
We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can get overwhelming. We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we're worried about you. 
We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
 

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello RachelW, and a warm welcome to you.

It is so sad to read comments like the one you've provided, but this does happen with so many other posts, that doesn't make it any easier for you and really sorry.

When someone you love becomes depressed in any way, it's so difficult for them to say 'I love you', I'm not a doctor, but know they lose focus on what's actually happening and depression takes over, and what may seem to be a simple option, seems to them to be enormous and are unable to talk about the situation.

Can I ask whether or not this $30k can be trimmed down and move into the house with some reductions at the moment, that may help your situation, because moving into a new house, there always seems as though something else needs to be done, such as a second bathroom can wait until you have the money or a decking can also be put on hold, ideas like these.

As well as your husband getting help, can I suggest you also see your doctor.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

RachelW
Community Member

Hi Geoff

thank you for the response .
I am hopefully that he will love us all again , I know that it will take some time and I will stand by him all the way .
As for the $30k I am unsure if there is anything that can be trimmed off but worth looking into .

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello RachelW, great to hear back from you.

If I can say and others might already know this, but it's important for you if you've missed it.

In my situation, my wife, my first real love, divorced me, and I know this doesn't apply to you, truly devastated me, but we talk on the phone pretty well every week and act as if nothing happened, except to say that she believes I have changed, and yes, I probably have, but we could talk for hours if time permitted, laugh and joke and all the small idiosyncrasies we both loved have come back.

So after any type of depression, it is possible to regain, in certain circumstances, for people to readjust their thinking and get on with life, so I really hope this does happen to you.

To trim $30k, other people wanting to change their carpet may throw away perfectly good carpet because they don't like the colour, so you can put up a sign in the hardware store asking for carpet, or go to the carpet store and ask them if someone has changed their mind and want other carpets, you may pick up some cheaply, ways like this may save you money.

Let me know about the house if you want to.

Geoff.

RachelW
Community Member

Hi geoff

sorry to hear that happened to you.
I know deep down that my husband loves us but all I can do is wait and support him in finding himself again and pray that I get him back. But in the mean time I have to live without him until he is ready to come back to his family .
As for the house, it’s a package , carpets blinds , tiling ect is all included in the price . I don’t think we will be able to do anything like that . I think it would be too late to change anything now as building work has started .
Rachel

jaz28
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Rachel,

I am sorry this is happening. I can say that you seem a very supportive partner and know what is best for him.

I cannot say he has depression, he needs to be diagnosed by a professional, but I will say that often depressed people have negative thoughts about 3 things - the self, the world, and the future. This seems very consistent with your case. Hence the best course of action is medication and therapy which I see you are trying to get. He will probably need a psychologist if you go ahead with treatment. I hope that will help him.

I am sorry but all you can do is let him experience this and be there for him 100% for support. It is his mental health journey, and things will get better for him slowly. Just try and be there for him during this time even though it may be really hard for you after what he has expressed. I hope you are okay.

Jaz.

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Rachel, can I ask you if you are entitled to any government grants or perhaps extend your loan with the bank due to family problems.

Geoff.

RachelW
Community Member

Hi Geoff

no I don’t think we are . Luckily for us we still have maybe a year to come up with the money but that doesn’t seem to be any help to him atm as he can’t seem to see any positive points .
I jist hope that I can get a job in the next few weeks to start to help .
I will keep you updated on his progress .

thank you for your messages

Rachel

RachelW
Community Member

Hi jaz

thank you for your message . I am trying as hard as I can to be supportive , it’s not easy when he just isn’t interested in talking to me or anyone else atm.
I am struggling with his lack of communication with me , after 11 years of love to nothing is very hard to deal with atm.
I am hoping to get him in to talk to someone when he is home from work .

Rachel